My husband's nagging
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Old 05-12-2010, 01:56 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My husband's nagging

It is driving my INSANE. I have tried over and over to have a calm conversation with him about his nitpicking and how it is wearing me down. He thinks I am being too sensitive. I think he is just being a big baby. I very often want to scream... GROW UP! He nags me at least once a day about something. I posted before about my husband's temper issues. He is on Paxil right now and has actually improved, a lot, in that area. The nagging has got to stop though. He is really good at making me feel guilty about small things. I am constantly hearing things like this:

H: "You were on the computer all damn night, you wouldn't even let me on, and now I can't use it because I'm going to bed. Thanks a lot."
Me: "I had no idea you wanted to use the computer. I wish you would have asked me, and I would have let you use it."
H: "You should have known!!! That's ridiculous. You were hogging the computer."
Me: "I don't even want to argue about this. Next time, let me know you need the computer. I'm not a mind reader. I would have let you use it."
H insists in a nasty voice that I just should have known and I was hogging the computer.

Another scenario: We have a teeny tiny bathroom, and a linen closet in the hallway next to the bathroom. When I need to scrub down the sinks, toilets, shower, etc, I move the toiletrees into the linen closet so I can really clean. He is borderline disgusting with his cleanliness, and would let the bathroom sit in grime and dirt for years if I didnt clean it. We also have a tiny sink and he constantly clutters it up with his stuff and never moves it. I NEED to move it to clean the grime, and he knows if I move it, it can easily be found in the closet.

H (muttering under his breath with sarcasm): "Amazing that your stuff is all still in the bathroom, and my shaving cream is constantly being moved into the hallway closet."
Me: "I took everything out of the bathroom yesterday to clean it, including my stuff. I needed some of my toiletrees this morning, which is why they are back in the bathroom."
H with more sarcasm: "Right."
I try to stay calm, but he WATCHED me running around cleaning the day before because his sister was coming to stay with us. It infuriates me. And all over some shaving scream he can easily retrieve from the closet.

So we are now in this cycle that is unhealthy.... I am very unattracted to him, and feel like I come home and am being nitpicked and cant enjoy my time with him. I of course do not have any desire to have sex with him. We have sex about once a week. I know he wants more. I think he is frustrated and resents this, which probably increases his nagging.

But can I flat out say to my husband.... your nagging is decreasing my sex drive? I just dont know what will even get through to him. He thinks his behavior is justified. I mentioned counseling back when he was working on his temper, and now I am considering bringing it up again.....
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Old 05-12-2010, 06:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

Hi RachelLaura

counseling sounds like a good idea to me, if only to give you a 'safe' neutral space to mention volatile issues like his nagging being a big turn-off.

I've no idea what Paxil is...the 'Pax' bit suggests a tranquilizer - does it known side-effects?
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Old 05-16-2010, 07:04 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

You definitely need counseling and that's great you are considering it. If your husband has anger issues, that can be a huge deal in marriage. He is taking things out on you which is not right. After awhile, things build up and it is understandable the way you feel.

He has to be willing to change and work on things for this to improve. He has to acknowledge his temper and nagging issues. I would, however, recommend that you talk to him about his nagging and how that makes you feel unattracted to him. Try to talk about your marriage with him; don't let things build up. Hopefully you can work through it.
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Old 05-16-2010, 10:44 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

There is a member here named Mark Twain who wrote this article. You and your husband should read it for insight. In addition, I think your husband should consider individual counseling, not just marriage counseling. He has a neurosis that marriage counseling cannot address or treat. Perhaps he needs something other than or in addition to Paxil.
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Old 05-17-2010, 03:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

Nagging is unusal for a man but thats my opinion. Sounds like he needs a hobby!

A spouse who nags definitely makes it tough to get in the mood.



Often men say to their wife I am not a mind reader, sounds like you two may have reversed roles a bit. He needs to man up a bit and you both need to communicate at all times to avoid this pointless fighting.

Lastly, if you are not in love with him you need to tell him so you can either regain the spark somehow or at least check out his reaction. Be honest.
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Old 05-17-2010, 03:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

If he moved your stuff around wouldn’t you want him to put it back where he found it? That’s just one of the polite things we do when we live with another person. The issue with the bathroom’s cleanliness is yours. You chose to clean it, you moved his stuff therefore you should put it back. Not to mention it sounds like he feels it's disrespectful to move his stuff. You want him to respect your feelings but you don't want to respect his?

Still, he shouldn’t be disregarding your feelings the way he is. If you are feeling hurt by him he has no place to tell you that you don’t have a right to feel that way. MT’s article will definitely help as far as explaining your lack of drive to your husband. But yes, you can very much tell him that the way he approaches issues with you is building resentment to a point where you don’t want to have sex with him. It’s open, it’s honest and it’s a direct approach.

I’m guessing that with the prescription for Paxil comes regular checkups with the prescribing doctor? That office or a marriage counselor’s seems like the appropriate place to address these concerns. If he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong he can’t very well convey the message to an individual counselor. Perhaps individual sessions with a joint marriage counselor that you both see would help.
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Old 05-17-2010, 03:59 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

RL,
This is really good. First of all - both examples are fair. He needs to make a decision to either make the effort to change, or eventually erode your feelings to nothing.

His lack of being assertive regarding the computer is ludicrous.

As for the bathroom - he needs to learn to say "thanks for cleaning the bathroom baby - you are a doll"

Part of the reason my wife and I have a very good sex life in year 21 of our relationship is that she DOES tell me stuff like this. Once a week is a drag for a guy, that would have made me insanely frustrated if it had happened to us. You NEED to tell him what you need his behavior to be for you to feel happy and have desire.

Just be careful how you do it. Neither my wife nor I ever used sex for the purpose of controlling punishing each other. But equally we understood that bad behavior can kill desire.




Quote:
Originally Posted by RachelLaura View Post
It is driving my INSANE. I have tried over and over to have a calm conversation with him about his nitpicking and how it is wearing me down. He thinks I am being too sensitive. I think he is just being a big baby. I very often want to scream... GROW UP! He nags me at least once a day about something. I posted before about my husband's temper issues. He is on Paxil right now and has actually improved, a lot, in that area. The nagging has got to stop though. He is really good at making me feel guilty about small things. I am constantly hearing things like this:

H: "You were on the computer all damn night, you wouldn't even let me on, and now I can't use it because I'm going to bed. Thanks a lot."
Me: "I had no idea you wanted to use the computer. I wish you would have asked me, and I would have let you use it."
H: "You should have known!!! That's ridiculous. You were hogging the computer."
Me: "I don't even want to argue about this. Next time, let me know you need the computer. I'm not a mind reader. I would have let you use it."
H insists in a nasty voice that I just should have known and I was hogging the computer.

Another scenario: We have a teeny tiny bathroom, and a linen closet in the hallway next to the bathroom. When I need to scrub down the sinks, toilets, shower, etc, I move the toiletrees into the linen closet so I can really clean. He is borderline disgusting with his cleanliness, and would let the bathroom sit in grime and dirt for years if I didnt clean it. We also have a tiny sink and he constantly clutters it up with his stuff and never moves it. I NEED to move it to clean the grime, and he knows if I move it, it can easily be found in the closet.

H (muttering under his breath with sarcasm): "Amazing that your stuff is all still in the bathroom, and my shaving cream is constantly being moved into the hallway closet."
Me: "I took everything out of the bathroom yesterday to clean it, including my stuff. I needed some of my toiletrees this morning, which is why they are back in the bathroom."
H with more sarcasm: "Right."
I try to stay calm, but he WATCHED me running around cleaning the day before because his sister was coming to stay with us. It infuriates me. And all over some shaving scream he can easily retrieve from the closet.

So we are now in this cycle that is unhealthy.... I am very unattracted to him, and feel like I come home and am being nitpicked and cant enjoy my time with him. I of course do not have any desire to have sex with him. We have sex about once a week. I know he wants more. I think he is frustrated and resents this, which probably increases his nagging.

But can I flat out say to my husband.... your nagging is decreasing my sex drive? I just dont know what will even get through to him. He thinks his behavior is justified. I mentioned counseling back when he was working on his temper, and now I am considering bringing it up again.....
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Old 05-17-2010, 04:04 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

Look up Love Busters at marriagebuilders.com. Both of you should fill out the questionnaire, so you'll know what you do to aggravate each other. Then you agree together to STOP doing those things. If he starts up again, you can calmly and politely pull out the questionnaire and say 'you said you would stop doing this.'

Of course, that requires that YOU do just as much to not aggravate HIM.
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Old 05-17-2010, 04:44 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

Quote:
Originally Posted by WantsHappiness View Post
I’m guessing that with the prescription for Paxil comes regular checkups with the prescribing doctor? That office or a marriage counselor’s seems like the appropriate place to address these concerns. If he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong he can’t very well convey the message to an individual counselor. Perhaps individual sessions with a joint marriage counselor that you both see would help.
I suggested individual counseling because his nagging is so nonsensical that it is clear to be a neurosis, which is the symptom of something greater, just as his anger is symptom to something that Paxil is able to control. However, he needs something different or in addition to Paxil. A marriage counselor (who is normally just a therapist, not a doctor) can neither diagnose nor treat that problem.
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Old 05-17-2010, 04:54 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Susan2010 View Post
I suggested individual counseling because his nagging is so nonsensical that it is clear to be a neurosis, which is the symptom of something greater, just as his anger is symptom to something that Paxil is able to control. However, he needs something different or in addition to Paxil. A marriage counselor (who is normally just a therapist, not a doctor) can neither diagnose nor treat that problem.
I do realize that and I do believe that the most proper place is the prescribing doctorís office. If thatís just a primary care physician though it wonít help anything, they canít act as a psychiatrist would either. At the same time, an individual psychiatrist isnít going to address problems in the marriage, he could lock her out from those sessions and they will address only the problems the patient brings. If the husband doesnít think he nags it wonít be addressed.

Itís easy to pick at our spouses when other things are bothering us. Itís just as possible that this particular problem has nothing to do with his state of mental health and has more to do with underlying problems in the marriage. A marriage counselor could root out where these problems stem from and differentiate whether this is a marriage issue or a mental health issue.
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Old 05-17-2010, 05:05 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

have you tried making him a sandwich anytime he nags? I know that sounds ridiculous, but it IS a funny way to communicate just how he is treating you...
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Old 05-17-2010, 07:26 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My husband's nagging

I hate being nagged. Intellectually I get that sometimes she feels she has to nag. But at the same time, I feel like if I give in to nagging, I just guarantee she'll nag more because the tactic was validated.

Usually there is a deeper symptom -- usually unhappiness due to a perceived lack of control. Maybe he feels like he has absolutely no say over anything else whatsoever, so he has to nag you.

I have to say, I sure wish that in my house, a lack of desire meant I still got weekly sex. I put up with nagging and I have to wait a lot longer just for one roll in the hay. Why does he still get sex once a week if you have no desire? Where can I find a woman who still puts out when she has "no desire"??!??!

Returning to topic: it is unlikely that any change on your part will change a naggers behavior. There is ALWAYS something to nag about, and he'll find it.

Have you tried dealing with it the same way you deal with a bully -- refusing to give him/her the reaction he/she wants? At first it will be a battle of wills because he is accustomed to you reacting a certain way. But if you deny him the validation he wants, the behavior will serve no purpose.
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