General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Don't know where to begin here, it's a very long story. Here goes..... when I met my fiance I was informed that his best friend was a lesbian that none of his other friends liked, because she was a b**ch and would always try to have him all to herself. Going into the relationship with nothing but good intentions I befriended this girl online while he was in Iraq. Things seemed fine she would text me and we would keep each other updated on his situation in Iraq since neither one of us could ever talk to him on the phone, everything was done online. Well from time to time she would email me and I told her I knew we were both going through a difficult time with him overseas so I let her know I was there for her. One day out of the clear blue, she decides she hates me. At the time of Myspace she posted aweful things about me on her page, that I was phony and I was using my fiance and I didnt really love him and all this stuff meanwhile the girl had never even met me face to face and didnt know anything about me. Well he stopped talking to her cause I was very upset. After he came home from Iraq and was back at home, he began to hang out with her again, I didn't say anything I let it go, well she started doing things to intentionally upset me, was going out to bars and giving random girls his phone number and having them text him i miss you and want to see you messages, meanwhile he told me about it, and I said what if I saw that on my own I would have assumed you were seeing someone else so once again they stop talking because I flipped out. So needless to say she was trying to break us up. Well the saga continues a few months later when they start talking again and again and she begins to text him continuously knowing that he is with me and calling all hours of the night and I couldn't take it anymore, then when he refused to hang out with her, she had the nerve to say to him, it's either my friendship or your fiance you have to chose. Well he chose me obviously and stopped talking to her again. This has caused many many fights between us and I got to the point where whenever her name was even mentioned I could feel a wave of rage come over me. Last night after a few months of not talking to her yet again, he mentioned her and being friends with her again, I have no idea what to do, how can I be silent about this? I hate the girl.. .and I never use such strong words towards people but she has left me no choice. I told him I don't want her anywhere near me and if I find out that she is ever inside of our apartment I will move out so fast his head will spin. I am over re-acting here? anyone have a similar situation as this.... Please advise me what to do... I know ulitmately I cannot stop their friendship forever but what the hell am I supposed to do.... I become enraged at the mention of her name how in the world am I supposed to deal with them hanging out again, my fear is that she will continue to hate me and attempt to do things to steer him away from me..... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..... please help!
I don't know how much help I can be here, but I feel for ya. Obviously, your fiance's and my opinion of what makes a person a friend differ.
A friend is someone who cares about you and your happiness and is there for you. If she is playing games and trying to split you to up, your fiance should really look at why she is doing that.
Thank you, I agree with you 100% and I have told him that plenty of times in the past. I mentioned that to him when she was at the bar that night and had some random girl text him, I was sitting right next to him when it happened so I knew what was going on... and I told him a true friend would not want to interfere with your relationship if she knows your happy... but however, he continues to feel bad for her and keeps accepting her as a friend because he claims she has no one else in her life... but to me... there is a reason for that... she is a miserable person and no one wants to be around her..... I do not feel bad for someone who choses that path for themselves... but there's only so much I can make him see... he has to realize it on his own.
That girl is toxic, but there is no reason to think he doesn't see it. He does see it unless, of course, he is retarded or borderline LOL. No one could possibly miss it. It's just that his friendship with her is more important to him, it means more to him than any of his other relationships. Where his relationship with you is concerned, as long as he has you, he will continue trying to keep both worlds. His friendship with her hasn't cost him anything, and your ire comes at no cost to him. He has shown you time and again what is important to him. Either that, or he has no sense of prioritizing. Stop the childish tantrums and teach him how to treat you instead of making idle threats. It makes no sense to me that he wants to start up with her again. He knows that is just asking for trouble. Therefore, I would tell him how I feel about how senseless it is. I would also tell him there is nothing that stupid about me to sit around and wait for her to affect/impact/sabotage/destroy our relationship or to have to endure her attempts to do so. With multiple attempts in the past, there is nothing else to expect from her. So what sense does it make for him to actually effort toward inviting more trouble, drama, and discontent into our lives? I would further tell him if he is so hell bent on doing that, then he will have to choose between her and me because I don't need or want the constant turmoil. He has never chosen before since he seems to think choosing is only temporary and he can go back any time.
Susan2010, you are so right. I think a majority of the reason why I have gotten so upset in the past and even now is because I have felt that her friendship is more important than me, he thinks that sticking up for me means shutting her out for a few months, which is obviously not working. He didn't actually say last night that he wants to hang out with her again, he mentioned her and made a face and stared off into space for a few seconds and I was the one who snapped, I said if you miss her so damn much go back to being friends with her, and then the conversation well argument I should say started and he said no because if he does I will be upset and give him an attitude everytime he is with her, ummmm yeah, gee I wonder why? I just feel like I can't win in this situation not matter what I say or do. You are correct it is time for him to chose and he will have to do is he brings her back into the picture, as a matter of fact if he does than is obviously his decision.
Life is full of enough drama and turmoil without opening the door and inviting it in.
Maybe your fiance is a good guy with a soft heart and she just knows how to work that, after knowing him for so long. The fact that she has no friends is not your fiance's fault or responsibility. In fact, if it's true, then it's long overdue that she take a long hard look at herself to see why she has no friends.
My guess about her is that she has very little self esteem. She has emotionally latched on to your fiance and sees any other woman in his life as a threat to her. In desparation, she tries to get rid of any woman who she sees is trying to take her only friend away from her.
Your fiance keeping his friendship with her is not going to change anything for the better for her. It will only take away from him. In my opinion, she needs a wake up call.
lets get 2 the heart of the matter. the guys ego is bigger
than his supposed love for u. he likes playing at playin if u
know wat i mean. random/flirty texts? c'mon. a lesbo 4 a
"friend"? can u say perversion? sin? mentally unstable in all
their (homos) ways? (sorry, cant be politically correct here).
he obviously doesnt value u enough if u've told him how it hurts
as well as laid down some kinda boundries (u did, didnt u?).
think i'd be shopping for a new fiance if i were u. make that,
KNOW IT. think u know THAT too.
I've been through a very similar situation to yours.
Except the female "friend" in my scenario wasn't a lesbian, she was a long-lost friend who re-iniated contact w/my SO when her relationship broke up.She either had her sights set on my SO as a replacement, or simply wanted to monopolize his attention--like the friend in your scenario.
So, I feel your pain, and I understand the wave of rage all too well.It's almost impossible to relax in a relationship, when you know full well that there's a third party looking to sabotage everything.The analogy that comes to mind is being in a room with your SO, ---and a venemous snake. Even if the snake is laying quietly in the corner, not moving, you can't help but be hyper-vigilant about it---worrying about when it's going to strike. It's going to affect your peace of mind.
And inevitably, you're going to question your SO, who has the power to remove the snake, why he insists on keeping the snake around, knowing full well how much it's upsetting to you.It will lead you to question whether he cares about your happiness----or if he's only concerned with his own needs.
Yep, relationship saboteurs are beneath contempt in my book.
Your fiance needs a really long ride on the Clue Train.Round trip, even.
Normally, I'm not a fan of ultimatums, but in your case, considering all that's transpired already---I think you'd be justified in drawing a line in the sand.It might be the wake-up call he needs.
wow, there's no icon for embarassed----you'll have to visualize me being red-faced----aw,shucks----Thanks for the compliment, but.............
Truthfully, I borrowed the snake analogy from my reading and research on dealing with NPD---(Narcissistic Personality Disorder) So I can't take full credit....
Someone used that analogy to describe how you can't relax around a malignant narcissist--especially if you're on their sh*t list.Once you know someone is intent on tearing you down,you're always going to be watching and waiting for them to strike again.Wondering if they're going to escalate conflict, etc.
In your case, the analogy definitely applies, as I know from my own personal experience.......(unfortunately)..The FF in my story attempted a covert type of sabotage---she pulled me to the side (1st day I ever met her) to tell me what all of my SO's complaints about me were.
When I wasn't buying it, then she insinuated that he wasn't trustworthy, and "gee, I just think there's someone better for you...." She also implied that he was intentionally toying with my emotions (B.S. !!!)-------anything she could think of to poison the well, sour the milk.Even if it meant trash-talking my guy (her supposed good "friend") (who was helping her out at the time (GRRRR!!!!!!).............
anything to try to drive a wedge between us.........
Leaving me with the dilemma of "do I tell him that she trash-talked him or not?" Eventually I did tell him, and of course, I was met with disbelief from him at first--(which really ticked me off) And of course, she didn't own up to it---she painted me as overreacting, "just jealous", etc.
nothing could've been further from the truth---I'm NOT against OS friendships, as I have a few OS friends---but there are rules---there are boundaries.Number one being that you DO NOT interfere with your OS friend's primary relationship. To do so smacks of disrespect, for your friend, and their partner. She was only out to serve her own agenda.
Much like the FF in your story---she isn't putting your fiance's happiness first----she's only concerned with her own needs, and she'll hit below the belt (defaming YOU) to get what she wants.
Why on earth would your fiance want to have someone like that in his life ?????????That's the question he needs to answer for himself.
Have you thought about showing him this thread? Maybe if he sees it all written out, in black and white......he'll start to really see how this affecting you.Either that, or tell him the snake story.........
a troubling friend ruining our relationship 
Re: a troubling friend ruining our relationship 
Re: a troubling friend ruining our relationship 
, etc.
