How do I cope with my husband leaving?

trying2cope · 05-26-2008, 02:04 PM

I have been married almost 10 years. Two months ago I come home to find a note from my husband saying he was "separating from me" and he didn't love me anymore. I was devastated to say the least. We had been going to counseling together for almost a year, and I thought things were improving. Unfortunately, the majority of those sessions I was trying to get my husband "talked into" having another child. At that time, I thought that was the right thing to do.

We have a 3 year old who is the light of our lives. Unfortunately, I found out about a 1 1/2 ago I am in early menopause (I am 34). I freaked out! I pressured my husband into any and all infertility treatments no matter how many times he told me he didn't think he wanted more kids. He is upset that I was so controlling (and always have been). I realize that this is not a healthy way to communicate and unfortunately my husband is very passive-aggressive. You can see why we ended up here.

I love my husband with every ounce of my being. I recognize my part in what got us here and I have taken the necessary steps to change. I hate that I have hurt. If I could find a way to take his pain away I would do it in a heartbeat.

He moved in with his parents and now I am taking care of our house 100% by myself. I have our son about 80% of the time too. I just get so overwhelmed sometimes that I just can't be patient and wait for him to come back. I can't stop crying and I am sick of having our son console me. He shouldn't have to do that.

We have gone to three counseling sessions since he left. The last one was to talk about a custody agreement for our son. He agreed to a date tonight, but sometimes I just feel like I have so much pressure on myself not to mess up that I explode into tears.

I want my husband back home so he can see that things can be different with us. I feel like when we live apart the minimal time that we spend together I put so much pressure on myself to show him how different things can be that it usually ends up being extremely uncomfortable.

I love my husband and I don't want our son to grow up in a broken home. Any advice?

draconis · 05-26-2008, 03:56 PM

I think what you need to do is concentrate on yourself for two reasons.

1) You will not be as dependent on your husband and he will see this as not being as needy/controling.

2) It gives you a personal strength that you can use in or out of the marriage.

draconis

bph · 06-25-2008, 02:32 AM

I think if you take steps to be your own person, handle the house stuff, the kids stuff, etc., with confidence, some of your attitudes might change (I'm not saying you have a bad attitude, just that your ways of thinking might change--either for the better or for the worse) and when one person changes, the people around them tend to change also.

Your husband might start to see you "getting on with your life" and decide that he doesn't want you doing that. You might "get on with your life" and feel better without him. Who knows? But lots of women have been a "single mom" and done just fine, and I don't think you're worse than any of them, are you?

Also, I think that you should communicate to your husband, tell him that you know what you've done wrong, tell him how you're going to work on doing better, ask him for help, if he's willing. Write him a letter, if you're afraid of getting teary-eyed. What have you got to lose?

Thewife · 06-25-2008, 08:41 AM

bph and drconis have given you sound advices....like bph suggested writing a letter is a good idea..........written words are very powerful and he can hear you more than once!

Please do not allow your son to see your tears and worries.....he is too young to understand and will affect him emotionally in the long run. I am from a broken family and I see the effects of my moms tears years ago now!

AZMOMOFTWO · 07-03-2008, 04:24 PM

Concentrate on yourself on things that make you feel good. You may have to force yourself at first but then it will get easier. As for the date, don't put so much pressure on yourself. Its not a time to work things out but maybe just enjoy each other. So how about if you don't talk about your problems and think of things you can talk about that are not related to the issues but maybe just try to enjoy the joy of the moment. Hopefully he will leave the date with a good feeling which will make him miss you. Its a good sign he agreed to go, at least part of him must want to make this work.