Mistrust
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Old 10-28-2013, 12:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Mistrust

I woke up earlier with lots of insecurities. My h is so secretive with his iPhone I get suspicious, last time I looked it ended in a big row leading to him walking out in July, we reconciled after a week and it's like nothing happened. But he won't talk about stuff that matters, us. We've both made mistakes in the past,and he is not one to go over things but draw a line under them and move on. Anyway I woke up and went through his phone, scared he would wake up but he didn't, I don't think. I didn't find anything bad like I did last time, texting girls them saying they were sending sexy pics.
I want to draw a line under it too and forget, move on, but my mind won't let me. I'm seeing a councillor and my doc put me on anti-depressants for a while as I'm in the menopause and he says the symptoms are both similar. Can anyone point me in the right direction, do I need to man up and move on, unsure if it's my age or insecurities.
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Old 10-28-2013, 05:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mistrust

You have every right to feel the way you do, he betrayed your marriage by asking girls to send sexy pics. If he is still being secretive of his phone then just because
you didn't find anything doesn't mean he isn't still doing things, possibly he is deleting things. Who knows for sure, but you need to talk with him. Tell him you are still
hurt from what he previously has done. If he won't listen and just wants to forget it, then you need to give him a choice, to talk about with you and seek out marriage
counseling or end the marriage. Most people who don't want to talk about what they have done usually have right much guilt. It's time to come clean so the marriage
can heal. Tell him it's a non negotiable issue, he either deals with what's happened or the marriage is done.
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Old 10-28-2013, 06:38 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Jamison View Post
You have every right to feel the way you do, he betrayed your marriage by asking girls to send sexy pics. If he is still being secretive of his phone then just because
you didn't find anything doesn't mean he isn't still doing things, possibly he is deleting things. Who knows for sure, but you need to talk with him. Tell him you are still
hurt from what he previously has done. If he won't listen and just wants to forget it, then you need to give him a choice, to talk about with you and seek out marriage
counseling or end the marriage. Most people who don't want to talk about what they have done usually have right much guilt. It's time to come clean so the marriage
can heal. Tell him it's a non negotiable issue, he either deals with what's happened or the marriage is done.
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Thanks Jamison I think we have both been guilty in the past but as I said he doesn't talk we have lived more like brother sisterly lodger than husband and wife. Although we get on well in most things we don't communicate in what really matters. Thankyou for your input.i have emailed him in the past but nothing has been said. He just doesn't talk things over.
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Old 10-28-2013, 07:27 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mistrust

Hi Roesy,
Reoccuring distressful thoughts mixed with what if's are some of the mostdifficult issues to deal with. been there, done it!

Your insecurities can be justified by what youve experienced. People who (Ill say cause it) cause these issue or have never suffered them have no concept about how bad they can become and how destructive they are.

Most "offenders" will want to draw a line in the sand and move as fast as possible because (a) The dont want to tell you more than they have to (b)Because they KNOW youve caught them out and dont want the embarressement of having to admit to everything you know and (c) both a and b.

Whist its not good to dwell on the past because it will destroy you, its also vital that the hurt party is allowed to say they are ready to move forward.

When the hurt party sees actions, body language, symtoms similar or the exact same as occured when the offense was being committed in the first case their flight of fight switch kicks in. This is exactly whats happeneing here. Else you woundlt bein TAm and you wouldnt be looking to check your H's phone which you feel is being guareded. Pople with nothing to hide will not need to hide any communication from any party of any device or in any medium.

Your H needs to know that you are not quite ready to move on fully, that you are still a little anxious when they act in a manner that forms a trigger.
But say nothing about checking on him because as much as I want to say "alls well", I believe that people dont just switch off the sexual excitement of sexting and picture swopping followed by some good old man-handling.

You can then keep a small but careful monitoring process going. If there is something going on it always causes a slip up.
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Old 10-28-2013, 07:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mistrust

Considering what you have found in the past and your gut was screaming at you to look through his phone, I say you gotta do what you gotta do. He lost his right of privacy when he was behaving badly in the past. And it doesn't matter what you may have done although, if you had a similar incident where you may have been emailing another gentleman, I'd say the same thing to your husband.

My motto is -- Trust, but verify.

And the reason why you still have issues is because your husband wants to rugsweep. Just because the dirt was moved under the rug and you can't see it, doesn't mean it's not there.

The past incident needs to be fully worked through before you can start feeling better. If you don't then you will find yourself always waking up, feeling insecure and snooping. Who wants to live that way? I know I don't.
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Old 10-28-2013, 08:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mistrust

Rosey, I know how you feel. I have times where I feel insecure and suspicious after being hurt by my husband last year. It is hard, but it is getting easier. I hate it!
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Old 10-28-2013, 10:52 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mistrust

It's really hard isn't it? My fiance had some communication with his ex via text a while back. He never said anything inappropriate, but she did. He showed me her texts, and did everything right after that incident (cut off all contact wit her), yet I still have to fight the urge to snoop. Especially when he's on his phone a lot, or when he goes to bed with his phone under his pillow.. like he has something to hide. I've actually looked at his phone once since then.. my heart was pounding so hard.. but I found nothing. I was relieved, but the relief only lasts so long. Ugh. Just offering you some support.. I know it hurts!
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Old 10-28-2013, 11:17 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I agree all of responsers.
Trust is very critical to carry on marriage with a good communication. Currently, my husband with many years has some feelings towards woman who lost her husband one year and a half years ago. I was very furious and confronted after hearing one hour's talk over the phone in the midst of dinner time. At first, he denied vehemently nothing going on. However, I mentioned my hurtful feelings and after two weeks' later, he started talking about conversation with the widow. That talk was good, but I still feel hurt that I told him point blank.

If I were you, I ask your husband the reason why he keep doing 'sexty things' with young girls. If there is no convinsful answer from him, then he has no effort whatever to stop it.

During my difficult time when my husband did not speak about the widow, I worked very hard tending flowers and around the house to keep myself busy not thinking about it, although of course my hurtful feelings was always there. Practically, my principle, 'good moral and 'conscious' in my family was not to alleviate my hurtful feelings but appears to me my husband started to realize 'family is #1,' .... rather making effort with that widow.

Try some good things for the family and also things your husband loves to see, since there is no good conversation to carry on when you upset about it.
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Old 10-28-2013, 03:04 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mistrust

Insecurity can be a bad thing but it can also be there for a good reason...something doesn't feel right. It shows a poor level of respect and commitment, when someone wont be open book with you and re-assure you things are ok. It was another red flag I ignored for far too long.
In my case I was feeling insecure because my gut knew something wasn't right, and it ended up being correct.
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Old 10-28-2013, 03:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Mistrust

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Insecurity can be a bad thing but it can also be there for a good reason...something doesn't feel right. It shows a poor level of respect and commitment, when someone wont be open book with you and re-assure you things are ok. It was another red flag I ignored for far too long.
In my case I was feeling insecure because my gut knew something wasn't right, and it ended up being correct.
Yes. If you are not intoxicated by drugs, alcohol or delusions you can pick up on a bad feeling. It will cause you to feel insecure if you depend on this person for "security". If you have other options and they are not a high priority for you, you may not care... But if it's your relationship partner, something will not feel right, you will feel stressed and insecure.

It's due to a low level of respect in the other persons mind and a low valuation.
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