heavyj

First time poster, hope some can bare with me as this may be a long read:

My wife and I met under unusual circumstances. I was in a destructive relationship, still young (21) and not sure how to escape (Living with the girl). My wife (30...9 years older than me) was in an abusive marriage getting beaten up. I should mention that I live in Japan and she is Japanese. Domestic violence is rampant in Japan but goes unreported too often. We met at work and for some reason we fell in love. That's the short version of it, but in the end, I got the balls to break out of my relationship and get a new apartment, she got her divorce not a month later and we were living together happily. I told her quite early on that I wanted to marry her. We waited 3 years and got married　before we actually did.

Now, almost 10 years later, we've hit a major bump. We've had our shares of little bumps, but this time was the first time I thought I may have lost her.

We both work full-time, our schedules are never match up. I work 7 days a week with the occasional day-off here and there. She works 5 days a week. My work hours can range from early morning starts to late evening. I teach English to the local kids and on the weekend I officiate marriages at churches all over. I do my best to find events or things to do together, but they don't always work out. If she has an early shift, then seeing a late movie is out of the question. If there's a wine party on Saturday, I'm probably not going to be drinking since I have marriages early Sunday. Occasionally they do work out and they are nice.

During the first 2 weeks of May, there were a string of national holidays and the peak for weddings in Japan. I was busy for 2 weeks straight. I would wake up, go to work, come home exhausted and go to bed. At the end of the 2 weeks I felt as though I hadn't seen my wife in ages. I sent her a small email and she could easily read through the lines that I was feeling lonely and she called to tell me that I should enjoy the rest of my day off and not to worry. That made me feel better.

A part of my worry is, no sex life and sleeping separately. The no sex life started a while back when her mother moved in. There was a lot of stress and I gave her the space she needed to deal with her mother. Sex is not completely off the table. But, it's something I have to initiate, and even then there are measures I have to take to ensure that it will happen: Her mother must be sleeping, all the house work done, no early shifts the next day etc. If one of those things is not checked off the list, then sex becomes 'not fun' and she's preoccupied with that particular thing. Then the separate beds. This is partially my fault. A few years back I started sleeping later and not wanting to disturb her I would often crash on the sofa. This became the normal thing to do...and now I'm feeling more distant because of it.

But, back to the main issue

For a couple of nights in a row, she was out late. First it was at a friends house until 12am, then a work party till 12am, then another party in which she hinted at taking a cab home from the party because she wasn't going to stay out all night. She didn't come home still 7am. I was furious because I couldn't get in touch with her. I had emailed her asking if she was still coming home, not wanting to bother her with a phone call. Then I tried calling, but her phone was off or the battery dead. She tried to sneak in quietly, but I was still awake with worry. With her home, I went to sleep. I was angry because she left me worried, not because she was out all night. Before I woke up, she was out of the apartment and had left an email saying she was going to get her nails done and then stop by the bookstore. I sent a furious message back on my way out to work. She tried calling me once but I was too upset to pick up. I came home late that night from work. She was sitting at the table, probably waiting to talk. I went right to taking a shower. I took a long one to try and get as much of the anger out of me before we would sit down to talk, but when I got out of the shower she was in bed and left another message 'We can talk tomorrow if you want.' I was festering in my own misery at the whole situation. The next morning I confronted her...and in all the back and forth I asked her "Do you still want to be with me." and she said "I don't know."

Those words crushed me. I could barely keep my composure. I insinuate in the softest way that she might be seeing someone, having an affair. She didn't quite know if that's what I was asking but did say she wasn't seeing anyone. I kept asking her how she could "Not be sure"....

Anyways, I told her that this was serious. She should take the day off of work, I had the day off. Work was not as important as our relationship. She got angry and looked at me with angry eyes and said "Don't tell me what to do, I'm not a little girl." For the rest of the day, my first Saturday off in 2 years, I was devastated and sitting at home thinking of a million random things that could be going on...every scenario.

Yesterday we were suppose to attend a friends birthday party but I wasn't about to ruin it with my crap mood. My wife came home and we started to talk. She admitted that she was wrong in not calling. She said that in the morning she was confused because she was getting ready for work as she was answering my questions. She said that I didn't have to worry about our relationship, that our marriage was safe. She said that there are so many things going on in our life that she needs time to think about things. She needs time alone. She's not asking to separate, just to have time where she doesn't have to worry about our home.

This of course caught me completely off guard as well. For the past 4 months I've been seeing a specialist for fertility treatment and I've just now been given the OK...that everything is now in working order. She's 40 which is not the best age to start having kids, but she's wanted kids and talked about kids for as long as I can remember. I asked her "What do I do about this treatment. It's costing us money and now you want time to think?" She says she still wants a family but that she needs time to think. This is all so confusing...we've had all this time apart because of work, she's had plenty of nights out with the girls from work, we've talked about a family and the time to start...and now, after this, she needs time to think.

I tried to press for more, but she says that the more I push the more confused she feels, like she needs to answer a question when she doesn't have all the parts figured out yet. I asked her to sleep next to me. I asked her if she missed it. Her answer was "Some parts of it I do." Not exactly what I wanted to hear.

Today, she went to work and I had some free time in the morning. I decided to do something I've never done before, look through her email. One email sticks out and I could be completely foolish for thinking anything bad. A friend of a friend, someone we met a few weeks back at a wedding, she had sent an email to. He had sent one back, nothing special. Then she asked him for his mobile email address and gave hers in return. He lives in the same building as we do. She's friendly with everyone and this could be a case of wanting more friends...but with everything that just happened, I am of course imagining worst case scenarios. Remember, we met under some pretty harsh circumstances...what's to say it couldn't happen again. These are my insecurities. They get in the way of me being able to do things normally. Every now and then she forgets her mobile phone at home and I am thinking what an a**hole I must be for wanting to go into her phone to check to see if there's been any correspondence. If I see none, I feel like crap...if there's something, I feel even worse. I'm trapped in this cycle of "I don't know what to do next..." and I'm 'waiting' as my wife thinks about her life...

So, any advice?

someguy888

Working 7 days a week may have been too much for your wife. Has that never been an issue in the past? Sounds like you have not been there for her emotionally or physically and you have drifted apart. Also, your schedules don't match up. Add that to your busy schedule and I am surprised that you have a marriage at all. A marriage is a time investment; not an opportunity to schedule sex whenever you need it.

You also seem to be playing the victim with yourself. Like "I was busy for 2 weeks straight" as if you did not have a choice in it. Fact remains, you do have a choice in your work schedule that you planned for yourself. Could you not have taken a day off here or there?

It also sounds like to me that the mother moving in might have been just an excuse for her. But, again, a lot of your post is focused on your sex life and not on meeting the emotional needs of your wife. But the no sex should have been your clue that you needed to get your act together, which you obviously have not done.

Once you chose separate beds, I must say that is another thing that you've done to further escalate the situation. The fact that both of you feel distant by this now (after 2 years? why now?) shows that this wasn't a wise decision... yet one that YOU chose.

I must say as well that you've left out a lot of detail about what you have done to damage the marriage. The fact that your wife is feeling the way that she is now means there are years and years of problems that have built up. Yet, you do not reveal any of these in your post and show to me that you have become emotionally distant and numb to the situation.

So, now you are surprised that your wife is not wanting to come home? By showing your reaction to her not coming home, that is revealing that you are controlling, have an anger issue and overly jealous. You were furious with her without even knowing the reason. If you were awake when she came home, why didn't you ask her then why she had come home so late?

Of course she's probably seeing someone else. You've known that is probably the case which is why you are so worked up by that. Yet you've been too angry to talk with her or even hear those words.

I think that you have been too controlling with your wife and have emotionally abandoned her. She feels pressured by you and not nurtured or loved. Marriage takes time and work and it doesn't seem like you have put in either. Why are you surprised that your wife now that your wife wants to take some time to think?

Also, I hear a lot of me talk. Like things your wife is not doing for you. What have you done for your wife? How have you been there for her? Marriage is not a one-way relationship and your wife isn't around just to satisfy your needs.

Uptown

Heavy, please listen to Someguy. What he says makes sense. Indeed, all of the advice he has given in posts since recently joining makes sense -- or, rather, perhaps I should say makes uncommon sense. You are fortunate to have attracted his attention.

heavyj

7 days a week is not a choice for everyone. I live in the most expensive country in the world in the second most expensive city. Me working 7 days a week and her working 5 to 6 days a week puts us at no savings and making enough to live. I wish the choice to work less and being paid the same were an option. I wish I could have her leave her job and do something she would rather be doing. Yes, 7 days is a lot...schedules meeting up is not a great thing...but making enough to get by, that's another story.

Playing the victim...maybe, can't help how I feel. 2 weeks straight was not an option work wise. I do what I have to to keep a roof over our head, food on the table, medical bills paid. I take a day off, when I could be making the money to pay for my mother-in-law's daycare needs, medicine etc. Phone bills, electric bills...you name and there's my name on it. If I could've planned a day off where I could've gone out with her, I most certainly would have. Could I do that now, yup...but then I get "I'll work over-time to make up for what you couldn't work today.". So I give up a little work and she takes it on. I switched shifts today, thinking she had the day off. She went to work because I went from working 5 hours to 1 and she wanted to make that up by working a day.

Our sex life is part of it...not all of it. I don't think I focus on it in my first post. In the beginning I was concerned. I tried to talk about it. Her reason was "I'm stressed, it will pass." This went on and on. My attempts to make any type of advance or romance with her ended up in sprints of sex. I don't have a manual to follow. I figured that things were stressful and that she was dealing with things at her own speed.

Yes, a mistake. I wish I could undo it and will work on. She said that last night my snoring was what kept her up and that she needed to get to her bed to get a proper sleep. I can only say that perhaps I need to look into ways to control my snoring.


I don't know what to share, as far as details go. I'm an open book if you want to ask. I have many days where I come home exhausted and go from the shower to bed with little conversation. I am trying to think of ways that I may have damaged our relationship. I haven't cheated, I haven't been dishonest about my feelings. There are times I wish I could've said something but didn't have the balls to because I thought it would push her farther away. There were times when I've dealt with issues relating to her mother harshly. Her mother controls the way she feels in many situations. My wife and I used to enjoy the gym together. Her mother would complain that on days when my wife was suppose to finish early she was at the gym instead of being at home...my wife quit the gym because of this. I could go on with these types of stories...but I can't think of a reason she didn't do something or she quit something because I pushed her.

I've always made it clear that I have no issue with her going out with friends. We all need to get away from things and talk with people. That's why I came here. The issue I had was being left in the dark as to where she was. Not being able to reach your spouse and not knowing where she is or if she's in trouble is not something I think is normal. I've never done this to my wife. She always knows where I am and what time I'm going to be home. If I'm late, she calls to make sure all is well. A matter of mutual respect I thought. I'm not jealous of her friends...I'm not trying to control her relationship (As far as I see it). All I wanted to know was that she was safe. All I needed was a phone call or email. Talking with her today she admitted that this was a mistake she made. I made the same mistake years ago when I went to a student's birthday party and left my phone in my bag. Remember, my student is 12, the guests are the same age. Then there's mom and dad. My wife was furious with me because she expected me home at a certain time and I wasn't there. From that point on I always made sure she wouldn't worry. I only expected the same.

I have suspected only recently. I guess we never think our wives or husbands are the type to cheat. We think our relationships are different than those we hear about. Is she seeing someone else? You say 'of course'....and that makes me feel ill to my stomach. Not because you are suggesting this but because it may be true. I just spent the last couple hours at the table with her discussing our situation. Asking her how she feels and why. Trying to listen. She is asking me the same. Asking me why I feel the way I feel, which is pretty ****ty. Every time I start to utter words about being faithful, I'm too scared to follow through. Would she lie? Would she be honest? I don't know what scares me more. Would she be insulted and say that I made her feel like a tramp for suggesting it and dig my grave even further...I don't know....I wish there were a magic way of finding out.

You are right in that emotionally I haven't been as there as much as I should have been. I wish I could go back and undo it. I felt 'safe', like nothing would hurt us. I felt 'comfortable' in that they way things were going would continue to go. I made that clear to my wife today and her response was "I don't want you to be different. This is who you are and if you change then we change." insinuating that I was doing fine in that regards and that faking it was not something she was keen on. She deals with people on an everyday basis as part of her work and says that the silence we have is sometimes comforting. However, there are times when I could add more to the conversation. Something I intend on working at.

Yup...it's something I brought up today. What have I not been doing or have been doing too much of. How am I different from the person she fell in love with. Apart from that part about conversation, she says that I am the same person and that she is the one that has changed.

This sounds like an awful lot of "It's all her and not me" talk to some. Today was the first time we sat down and tried to understand where we stand. I showed her my disappointment in myself for not being a better husband. This only made her grimace and say "It's not you, it's me." She tried to tell me to be 'the same as usual' saying 'you can just think that I am a selfish person' as though I could just snap my mind into thinking that way. I told her it was bigger than that and our issues a lot deeper. We sat at the table until she fell asleep. She's now in bed and I'm writing this.

I asked her if she had the day off tomorrow. I asked her if she wanted to take some time to go out. She said "You have to work. I have to work. We can do something after work." I don't know how to get more time out of her, what to say to make her understand that I have some fault in what's happening without making her feel guilty.

By all means, ask any question you desire. I'm not afraid to ask or get advice. I'm not worried that someone will stumble upon this. This is the place I have chosen to be to express what I feel and get a good idea of what she might be thinking.

hanot08

eversince i got married my husband didn't want me to work anymore as he said i might not have time for him anymore. though we live in a country where money is really a big thing he still don't want me to work and help him to earn money. he said that what he wanted for me to do is just to take care of him and our daughter and he will work for us. so we have lots of time to spend together, we have lots of hours for bonding cause for him relationship is what really is important. we can easily find way to earn or to have money but it's very difficult to find a way to fix a ruin relationship.

heavyj

You are right.

My wife hates her job, she's wanted to quit for a long time. I've always asked her to quit. She has always wanted to study something at home and take care of the house. Her leaving her job would mean there are areas we would save money in. Anytime she thinks about it, I encourage her to. Then she says "No, we need the money."

tokyoboy

Man I feel for you.
This is just bad, you work all the time to bring in the dough. And your partner is out having fun. It sounds to me that she is having doubts about whether she wants to be in this relationship any more the problem you also face are the cultural differences of being with a japanese woman.
Dont listern to anyone who says working 7 days a week is bad for a relationship because if you love each other unsuperficially then she would understand that you have to work and in the end you working for one goal for the 2 of you to be happy.
What I suspect here is that she is being dishonest with you, to go out and stay out til midnight with friends is ok but not to stay out until 7 am and not call you, the alarm bells ring her and she either slept with or had a close encounter with another man or was out in a drinking den full of the types of men a respectful women in her 30's should be. I have had first class experience of some of the problems inter japanese relationships can have. Lies, crafty, poker faced.
1st off you said that you have been receiving fertilty treatment of somesort is that both you or just you, you ve been given the all clear which is great, have you had any evidence from her that she has been trying to concieve ie what I am saying here is that she seems the type to possibly be lying to you check for the pill both morning after as well, this can be quite common.
ALso she stayed out until 7 am what possibly could have caused that to happen with no phone call, She has certainly done something here ie cheated on you. A women in her 30's who is respectable does not stay out until 7am with no phone call, she could have called you and said hey im drunk with the girls and im staying over at a friends. This tells me that she probally has been been unfaithful to you on this occassion. Have you much evidence of the violence of her past relationship, if she was beaten etc Im not saying this hasnt happened but something is a miss here.
If I were you sit down and wait for her to come in from work and ask her about the night that she stayed out, obvious signs of lies in japanese women is that they will start to cry and have a makeshift tantrum usually blaming you.
Then call her bluff say a guy called on your home number, say that a friend of yours was out one night and she was seen with another guy, if she is 100% inncocent then as she is japanese she will go to extreme measures to prove her self, most of them will just crumble and tell all. Im sorry that it appears horrid but its the best way to get the truth from her. If she respects you she would not stay out all night she would not say she is not sure about the relationship, Im afriad chap this women is not much different now to some of the *****s in Roppongi. So start treating her like one and start rebuilding your life before she extracts all your good points.

I would tell her that you know things about her that are coming to light and that you are not happy.
Can you go and stay with a friend for a few days I would do so and say to her that you need some time too away from all this mess.

That way if the other guy is on the scene then she will quickly default to him and no doubt go into a character assasination of you.
Stick to your gut feeling, emails, texts what ever from other men need to be cautious.

You are 100% right to be checking her email and even checking everything she has told you as it could all turn out to be a pile of lies in order to bank a new guy.

Its going to be hard for you with 10 years but stand your ground, if she really loves you, she would not treat you this way.

Love believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things....
Of course exept domestic abuse etc so staying out all night I would say she has done the dirty you need to let her know you aint stadning for it and move on, it will be hell, tears, emotional turmoil lots of Kirin Beer and of course recovery and you will look back thinking what a stupid idiot I was to believe this women.

One thing the japanese dont like is when they have been rumbled, now what Im not saying is that she 100% guilty but if you perceive it that way then she will crumble and confess, its called the japanese mind games.

Best of luck but be strong.