General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
There's no point in exposing now, not unless you're still trying to get him to leave her or admit the affair, and come back. At this point, it's only about getting people on your side. If you need support from these people, tell the truth. But know your real purpose.
1. I do want him to end the affair. If nothing else I don't want that woman in my sons life.
2.Admission, remorse, guilt are all things that have to happen if any reconcilliation is to occur. Deeds will be more important than words.
3. Right now I do need support of everyone: family, friends and yes I need them to be on my side.
I know that sometimes I may project the notion that I actually give up and want to move on but deep down I still hold on to a glimpse of hope. Maybe some will think I am crazy but 9 years together is not short time. Posted via Mobile Device
The only warning I would give is that, if you are divorcing, telling people at this point could be used by his attorney as you being a beeotch. In other words, bad for the settlement.
That said, I STRONGLY believe in telling everyone in such cases (as long as you're not harming yourself). If my DH cheated, he does not deserve to have people think he's an ok guy. JMHO
I know that sometimes I may project the notion that I actually give up and want to move on but deep down I still hold on to a glimpse of hope. Posted via Mobile Device
nrtq, how are you able to see inside my head? I have this exact thought. After 15 years how am I expected to just throw this away like a piece of paper and grab a clean sheet?
My wife went to see a lawyer this morning. I know one thing, none of this is going as planned for her and her people that have had months to plan this thing. She had hoped that after our tiff in january (although she been with the guy since Nov '09) when she said she hadn't been happy for years and that she no longer loved me that I would just throw up my arms and walk out. It didn't happen. I have been fighting for 3 and half months.
Now she expects me to work a compromise with her regarding the divorce. She wants custodial guardian and for me to pay child support. I keep telling her that I want joint custody and she wont have anything to do with that. She then tells me that if I contest this "you are going to hurt our kids by putting them through a long divorce!!!!'''' WTF...I get the blame no matter what.
She is wanting this to be quick so she can be done. She thinks I am going to sign just any ole thing she brings out. She can not stand that I am fighting and refuse to except anything less than 50%. I am wrecking her plan daily. She has had months to plan this, and has, I have had 4 days.
My husband wants a quickie divorce too. In Feb when we went through MC he had already seen a lawyer(before I had proof of the affair.)I guess the OW gave him some pointers because she was already in the process by few months.
As for the proceedings are concerned we only had one meeting with the lawyers. We still have not signed the collaborative divorce agreement(because of him) and I specifically made it clear that divorce was never in my books and that made it in the minutes of the meeting.
I also said I would never be the plantiff. Posted via Mobile Device
Toxic is exactly the right word. It is killing me, literally. I mean I am going to have to make a dr appt so I can get tested for STD. I mean seriously? So much evil in this it isn't funny.
And everyday I see more and more indicators. In January she got the deprovero (sp?) shot. Her explanation was for to help with excessive bleeding! Such a fool I was. I never had reason to doubt her Posted via Mobile Device
My husband did not even want to try separation. He wants to go straight to divorce. When I read your story I thought maybe you were the husband of my husbands mistress but then I remembered her husband was already resigned about his destiny.
Twistedheart I am in your corner but from reading your posts it does seem obvious to me that you were not paying close enough attention to your wife before the affair, otherwise you have picked up on some of the subtle signs. And now you have paid attention, so that just proves my point to you. I learned a long time ago to always sleep with one eye open! Look at the cold reality. A wife and/or husband is an investment of sorts. Time, emotion, feelings, lust etc, etc. Just like a bank account, you always keep tabs on them. Most men will notice within an hour or so if their car gets nicked or has a suspicious dent, but our spouses, oh they are just doing their thing because we males are basically lazy and serf-serving. Not saying it's over if you don't want it to be over but IMHO it's time to go NC and make her double life just a little more difficult to carry on.
i'm sorry to read of yer recent developments. i think others
here have given good advice up till now.
i dont know how yer verbal exchanges go w/ yer adulterous
mates, but i'd advice u both get to a mental place where they
can detect both in words, demeanor, and ACTIONS, that
u r in control of yerselves, no whinning begging/pleading
threatening, etc. That u r FINE w/out their selfcentered
arses, and u r ready to move forward too in your life.
if they see/hear control, and no anger. if they see love
in its most beautiful state, "is that what u really want dear?"
"ok, no problem." "if u dont try to take further advantage
of me, I'm sure we can work this out" type of material.
at the very least, u will begin & feed their self doubts
about the life they r going to, and initiate the lack of
trusts, jealousies, and eventual demise of their new faullt
ridden relationships.
Twistedheart I am in your corner but from reading your posts it does seem obvious to me that you were not paying close enough attention to your wife before the affair, otherwise you have picked up on some of the subtle signs. And now you have paid attention, so that just proves my point to you. I learned a long time ago to always sleep with one eye open! Look at the cold reality. A wife and/or husband is an investment of sorts. Time, emotion, feelings, lust etc, etc. Just like a bank account, you always keep tabs on them. Most men will notice within an hour or so if their car gets nicked or has a suspicious dent, but our spouses, oh they are just doing their thing because we males are basically lazy and serf-serving. Not saying it's over if you don't want it to be over but IMHO it's time to go NC and make her double life just a little more difficult to carry on.
Kenmoore, you couldn't be more right. The indicators were all around me. I knew but I chose to ignore because I thought that there was no way she would do that to me. Nieve I was and I learned a valuable lesson. Just because nothing is said does not mean there is nothing wrong. I will definitely sleep with one eye open from now on.
We got married when we were young, 19-20. Our communication skills with each other have been horrid, until now. We have talked to each other about everything for 2 days straight. We both have agreed that the divorce is something that needs to happen. I am ready for this and I need it. There is just too much damage to overcome to work on this right now. One thing is for certain that we both can agree on. We still love each other very much. We both need some time on our own. If things work out down the road with us then fine, if not, I am ready to move on and have accepted that she is not good for me right now.
Yesterday morning was the first time I woke up and the first thought of the affair and my wife with that guy did not bring a wave of anger and feelings over me. There was nothing. Just a thought oh well, it is time for me to move on. I slept for 7.5 hours. Ate breakfast this morning and am about to go eat lunch.
We are going for an uncontested divorce and have been nothing but civil the last few days. In fact we have talked more it seems than we ever have and are actually enjoying talking to each other. If I only had a time maching to go back. But hey, things happen for a reason.
I am 34 and have a LOT to learn that I may have missed while being married. We both need to discover things within ourselves. If anything we'll both be better people because of all this.
Well we are still together. It has been about 4 months since I found out. Honestly I can say that we are better friends, spouses and even parents. I refuse to except this, but it is like the affair hurt us but then helped us. As hard as that is to even think it seems true.
It has taught us both how to talk to each other. To share everything we feel no matter what. To appreciate the other more. And to not dismiss the other's feelings. That is a dangerous thing to do. Communication always was our problem. We have both learned a lot about life and about ourselves over these last 4 months.
We absolutely know this: We love each other so very strongly and we want to be married to each other. A lot of things went into saving my marriage but none were more important than the love.
I have my days when thinking about the hurt and pain she caused me. She realizes what she did to me/us and it does make it easier to deal with knowing that she knows and tries to understand. She knows when I am feeling down and I tell her everything I am feeling.
Sometimes I feel like none of this is worth it when I think about how I felt when I found out. I think about how I should have gotten out when I had the opportunity. But those are just the bad days, which are getting farther and farther apart. When it's good it's good. Which is most of the time. But when it's bad I tell her. She openly listens to me and reinforces the good times we have and how we are growing together for the better, which I agree.
Only time makes things better. Mistakes happen and forgiveness is very possible, though I never thought so. I believe we will survive this, as we are doing so right now. As long we both believe in each other and never stop working to make this thing work, we're going to be ok.
I found this post within one of notreadytoquit posts (thanks for the invite, btw). this is a tough problem to over come for me. This is the exactly the crap she is pulling with me. She tells me she has not been happy for years, I drove her to this, it's my fault the kids are hurt, blah blah blah. I am telling you she actually has me convinced of all this sh*t. That maybe I should have been better for these years. So Fing crazy!!!!
They do make you feel like you are crazy, my spouse for years has been telling me that I deserve someone better than him, yada yada yada, I have been hearing this for years, I tell you they are so far into their own world you truly wonder where have I been, have I been in the same relationship as you?
Re: Should I move out? 
