General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Married for 13 yrs, together for 15. 2 Kids ages 7 and 12. Nothing extravagant in our lives but there are no hardships either. We are financially secure, both equally paying jobs. There has never been any abuse. No infidelity. We have had our moments but it has always been forgive and forget. No threats of divorce or leaving. I would like to say we both were pretty happy. Until about 3and a half months ago.
It was around my birthday. The wife had been involved with the YMCA (gym/working out) since last summer. She isn’t a big girl or anything and I have never even once spoken to her about her physique, other than how hot I think she is. Yet she was at the gym 4-5 nights a week for months straight. Then all of a sudden I began to notice a change in the way she was towards me. For my bday she got a cake with no presents and no candles. Not that I ever wanted anything but she always did do nice things for bdays.
So we get to talking about the situation and she told me that she felt numb towards me and that’s why she was treating me the way she was. That she wanted to feel loved? Wanted to feel wanted? Wanted to feel appreciated? WTF? Said she wasn’t sure she was in love with me anymore and that it would be best to separate. After listening to her say that to me I was devastated. The worst pain I ever felt in my life.
I have loved her and have been in love with her since day 1. I may not be Mr. Romance but I feel that I show it in other actions. Loyalty? Respect? Just being her friend? Always doing the right thing. I served 9 years in the US Army and never once did I do anything wrong. Everything I do/did is for her and my kids. In no way shape or form would I put that into jeopardy.
I always thought things were going well in our life and never once did I think I would be without her for one day in this life. And then all of a sudden..BOOM..I don’t love you anymore!!!!!!!!
So for the next 3 and a half months I tried to make the changes that she was wanting. I even did more of the cooking, more of the laundry, more of the dishes, more of the cleaning. I coach both of my girls softball teams. Take them to practice. Just so she wouldn’t have to worry. I tried making things a bit easier on her for a while. Whatever it took to keep the love of my life happy and want to be with me.
Then last week I asked her “are you doing this for your heart, or are you doing it for our children?” Her answer was “I don’t know.” I said how can you not know? She said she just didn’t love me anymore and she wants to be separated. I don’t want any of the above. I want to go back to being happy again!
What I truly believe in my heart and in my gut, is that she has found someone else and is feeling some kind of lust for some new man. When she began doing the YMCA she also began hanging out with new friends, which I did not mind. I have never been the jealous type and have always trusted her. I am sure some may say “why didn’t you join the Y with her?” My answer to that is that I don’t feel I am over weight and am perfectly satisfied with my current physique. I am not over weight. On top of that I was made to work out for 9 years of my life (army) and I just am not ready to start doing that again.
She used to keep her cell phone on the kitchen counter, and her facebook used to stay logged in on the laptop. Now she signs out of facebook after each session and takes her phone to the bedroom at night and even into the bathroom! She went to a concert this weekend and did not wear her ring. I am so devastated right now.
I asked her lastnight if there was someone else. Of course she says no. But I told her it was so obvious that there was. That there was no way anyone could throw out the last 15 years of their life and be ready to move on in such short time without a reasonable legitimate excuse. She told me I was just looking for an excuse so that I didn’t have to take the blame! I asked her about her ring, and she said that I should take mine off and that if I wanted to go on a date that that was fine! /gag
Then this morning I asked her what was she going to do if things didn’t work out. She says with us? I say no with your new man. I began to tell her that whatever this guy was saying is that it is all smoke and mirrors and that after he got what he wanted he would be out and then what? It was silence. I then asked her to please tell me when they have or if they had sex to let me know so that I can deal with this pain better. Silence. I then asked if I knew who he was. It took her about 5 seconds to say “there is no one else.”
I feel so deceived and cheated. And she wants me to move out? On one hand I don’t think I should do that. As soon as I do she is going to go after whoever it is that she wants. On the other hand I feel so betrayed that I want to leave. I just want everything to be normal again. But I don’t think that is an option anymore. She is hell bent on me moving out.
I just wanted to rave and get this out and get an outsiders view. So hurt right now. All I get from her is “I don’t know what I want. I can’t tell you what I want with you here all the time. I want to be separated.” That’s all I keep hearing over and over in my head along with visions of her with another man….It feels like someone has a screwdriver in my chest.
I hate to say it, but all the textbook signs of cheating are there.
(suggesting you could take off your ring if you wanted to go on a date?????WTH?!?!?!)
I see no reason why you should be the one to move out--you're not the one second-guessing your marital vows.If she wants out so badly, let her do the hard work of relocating and uprooting.
I highly recommend visiting the "Coping With Infidelity" section at this site, and read this thread:
Yes, it's very long, but the advice is incredibly sound---it's essentially a blow-by-blow of a man first suspecting cheating, sleuthing, finding evidence, and confronting his spouse.
He did some things right, and made some mistakes as well---I really believe it would be helpful for you to read it in it's entirety.
I'm very sorry for the anguish you're experiencing right now, I know it feels like a mortal wound.
If your goal is to salvage your marriage, however, you're going to need to operate with a calm, clear head..(it's not, easy, I know...)If you read the thread I linked, it's much like a "How-to"
manual for saving a marriage in crisis.
First and foremost you need to sleuth , and find evidence of her cheating. DO NOT confront her prematurely, it will just give her reason to be more guarded. Your going to need to summon up your very best acting skills.Cheaters will deny and gaslight until they're blue in the face----you need to obtain concrete evidence.
Thanks for the response jitterbug. I installed a key logger on the laptop this morning. It may take a few days to a week for her to log onto facebook there as she mostly uses her phone. I also feel that I need some proof before pushing the issue anymore. Hoping this will get it for me.
She is VERY guarded right now. I almost think I made it worse when I confronted her about cheating.
The more I think of moving out the more angry I get. I ask myself Why should I? I have done nothing wrong. I think I may go stay with a family member for a few days. Gawd this sucks. Why do people do things like this.
Okay, so you did confront prematurely. Don't beat yourself up about it, it's a very common mistake.
(probably because an honest person doesn't think to sneak around and sleuth, an honest person will be direct....)
( to catch a fox, you have to think like a fox.)
It's still possible to catch her, though you may have to lull her into a false sense of security.Is it possible to access her phone records online?
Also, I believe it's very important that you don't budge from the house----it could potentially be used against you if it does come down to divorce.----you could be charged with abandonment, even though it's the furthest thing from the truth.
I know your mind is spinning in dizzy circles, every which way at once right now. A normal reaction. Slow down, deep breaths,
think before you act. One step at a time.
Do you have access to the phone bill? That's where you'll find his phone number - a million times.
Gather the evidence from the bill and the keylogger. If you know anyone at the Y, ask them to help you find out who it is. Get his name. Find out if he's married, how old - hire a PI. Your marriage is WORTH the money for the PI. And if you save her from herself, she will thank you later.
In the meantime, you become an AMAZING husband - do everything she always asked you to do and you ignored. Show her what she'll be missing if she leaves you.
Once you have the evidence, you confront her again and tell her you know she's cheating and you want her to stop. She'll deny, you'll show evidence, she'll admit but refuse to stop.
That is when you sit down and call her parents, her siblings, her pastor, and her best friends. You tell them what happened and ask them to help save your marriage. You also call HIS wife, parents, siblings, and do the same thing.
Once the affair is exposed, it's no longer fun, exciting, thrilling...it's embarrassing. At that point, she will have two choices - stop the affair or continue. If she stops the affair, you will have her write this guy a No Contact letter that YOU read and YOU send him. She will give you her passwords. She will agree to not go anywhere without your knowledge until you can start feeling safe again. She will agree to not spend time with any other men. She will agree to marriage counseling with you to fix what was wrong in your marriage (most likely just boredom and rut).
If she refuses at this point, you tell her she's welcome to leave, but the children stay with YOU. PERIOD. And if she tries to fight it, you will take her to court and you will subpoena the other guy as a witness.
This requires you being STRONG. Ok? Strong. Every man I've seen in your shoes who tries to kiss up to his wife, beg her not to leave, say he'll do anything to keep her...loses his wife.
OMG. I know who it is. Thank you guys for the advice. And you were right turnera, I checked cell phone records and blam. the thing is it is in her name so I had to call and get the pw changed in order to get into the records. That number was called, like you said, a million times a day. And it is a guy from the Y. He taught boot camp and right away she into that class. My hands are shaking.
My aunt knows who this guy is. She is tracking down his wife's name and number. More to follow.....
While you're waiting, go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and read up their Surviving an Affair section. It gives you specific steps to take to end the affair and get your wife back. THEY WORK! I've seen people follow that plan dozens of times, and it almost always works to end the affair.
Now, does it get your wife back? Not guaranteed; that depends on what kind of marriage you had. But if she just got suckered into his 'ways,' there's a chance you can snap her out of it. But you have to act swiftly, decisively, STRONGLY, and give her NO option of continuing to contact him. You have to tell her: you either NEVER contact him again, EVER, or you leave this house. I will not tolerate cheating in my home. Your choice.
And make several copies of the phone records, DO NOT store them in the house, leave them with a trusted friend or family
member---you may end up needing concrete evidence.
Also, consider your finances. Stop putting money into joint account(s) NOW. She may be using marital funds to finance her
...activities.
Do this BEFORE you let her know that you've seen evidence.
You need to play possum for just a little bit longer, even though you want to scream from the tips of your toes.
Wise advice. NEVER move out. SHE cheated. If she doesn't want to be married to you, SHE can leave - WITHOUT her kids.
She NEEDS you to be strong right now. FIGHT for the marriage by tackling the affair head on.
You will have to gather the evidence and put it where she can't find it. She is NOT herself right now, so don't fool yourself that she won't do whatever it takes to keep getting her 'drug'.
And DO set your bank accounts so she can't pull money out. Once you confront her, she may try to empty the account and set up a new camp.
Once you have the evidence, sit her down and tell her you know she's cheating. You are going to give her ONE option: stop it, or leave. ALONE.
If she refuses, you call everyone she knows, and everyone he knows, who can make a difference. You expose the affair so that it is no longer fun. I'm going to bet, given his profession, that he just wanted some free, fun SF. Once he is outed, he'll drop your wife like a hot potato.
THEN, you set RULES for how you are willing to take her back - transparency, NO time with other men, etc.
Well in hopes of stopping the affair, it may have just picked up steam. When I got home I confronted her about the phone records. She said she didn't know who that number was. I showed her the records with the number highlighted, almost the entire page was highlighted there were so many, and there were multiple pages showing just a few days. But the number went back to january.
She told me 'ole that's soandso from kickboxing. I grabbed her phone and looked up the guy (cause I knew who it was) and he wasn't listed. So I looked for soandso from kickboxing and sure enough it was listed, with his number!
I called the number and put it on speaker. He answered and I said hello I am {blank}s husband, and he hung up. I called it back, got the answering machine and said Hello {scumbag's name} this is {cheating wife}s husband, have a nice day!
So after that she says 'were just friends.' I said no noone communicated that many times daily for months on end. How long have you been {expletive}ing him? She came clean. sorta. She says only since April but I know that's a lie. It all started back in january when I noticed that she wasn't the same person anymore.
I called her mom, dad, aunts, neighbors, anyone who we have a social interaction with. She kept telling me why was I doing that that it's embarrasing to her. I said ya no {expletive} and throw in humiliating while you're at it. I also made her call {scumbags name} and tell him it weas over. She did.
So we talk and she seems kinda remorseful, but I can tell it's just a show. I told her that I can forgive (shes the love of my life, what can I say) but we needed to go to counseling and she agreed. Atleast we were on talking grounds.
Later that night I get ready for bed, i get up pretty early. She stayed up to watch a bit of tv. About an hour later I get up and go out to the living room, she isn't there. I go downstairs and I hear 'i gotta go.' I grabbed the phone from her and check recent calls, sure enough it was him. She been talking to him 56 mins. I told her that was it and I grabbed a suitcase and packed a bag and went to my aunts. Not one time did she try and stop, say im sorry, nothing. She seemed like she was {expletive} off that I caught her again.
So not even one time does she check on me that night. I called in to work and told them I wouldnt be there. All through the night into the morning I was checking phone records and she was still talking to this guy.
I wake up the next morning and decided that I didnt feel like I needed to be away from my kids so I went back home (they were off for voting day). I walk into the house and she already has changed locks and told me I was no longer allowed in that house. Well I got a reference for a lawyer from a friend and called him up. He laughed and said there was no way she could have me leave unless i caused it. Of course i kept my cool and will continue. I will lose my job if i go to jail.
See it seemed as if she has had this whole thing planned for several months. In fact I know she did cause she started dropping legal terms all over the place. This guy was just recently divorced last summer over. His wife divorced him for cheating on her. I asked her if she knew why his wife left him and she didnt answer. I told her and then she lashed out that we werent going to be talking about that and that we needed to focus on separating.
She keeps blaming this whole thing on me. Its my fault! I asked her this morning how she could do this to the kids, and she told me that she didnt do it, that I did it! She is in total denial even after being caught red handed and putting all the blame on me. She is a total different person. Just full of poison and all directed at me. She wouldnt {expletive} on me if I was on fire right now and this is the mother of my kids!
I havent ate anything since sunday evening and it isnt looking good for today either. There is just no way for me to get this stuff out of my head right now. I am operating on about 40 mins sleep and dont even feel tired. Dont feel hungry either. Just feel nbutterflies in my stomach 24-7.
Plant you butt firmly down in the house.Pack a bag for her.
Tell her if she wants to be with him, she can be the one to uproot.
I hate to say it, but if she's already being venemous, it might be a good idea to either have a witness or a tape recorder for any communications for awhile, simply to protect yourself from any false accusations that could be made against you.
Hopefully she'll come out of the fog enough to realize that she's about to leave a steady loving man for a man who's already proven to be person who scoffs at marital vows.........
Don't forget to freeze your bank accounts before she empties them!!!
Should I move out? 
