General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I have been married for 6 months. My husband has been away overseas for 2 of those months (he's military).
Sometimes I'm not sure what behavior is okay in a relationship and what's not to most people. I grew up in a bad home and admit I have a blind spot with these things.
Would it ever be okay if your spouse called you a b*tch? (Or, whatever the guy equivalent is!)
Whenever we fight, he threatens divorce, to stop paying the rent, etc. Today he accused me of CHEATING on him (I'm not), called me a b*tch and hung up the phone. I was very angry. He called back EIGHTY TIMES after I told him I was livid and didn't want to talk to him until I cooled off.
I started to feel guilty and answered the phone and somehow he smoothed things over, but I am still upset inside, incredibly hurt, and more confused than ever. We have so many problems and I know I should leave...I don't know why I don't.
I'm prior military too, so I understand that part of it.
Aside from being controlling (checking my emails and phone activity, activating GPS tracking on my phone, bombarding my Facebook page and extreme jealously over my male friends, all of whom are happily married and across the country) he is also an alcoholic. 1 month into it, he kicked me out of our condo and I slept in a motel for 2 nights.
I don't understand why I keep forgiving him. I feel so tough and put my foot down, he gets angrier, and in the end I am so exhausted from fighting I just give in. I hate this marriage, he will never trust me, and I am deeply unhappy.
I mean, this stuff isn't normal, is it?? I know that sounds dumb, but I really need someone to drive home to me how outrageous this is...I feel so confused.
sounds like a typical a$$hole military type who can't disconnect the way he behaves with his fellow soldiers from the way he behaves towards his family and wife. Do NOT take that kind of crap, its one thing to call each other names during a heated fight, that happens all the time and as long as you apologize for it, its not in anyway abnormal or unusual. But if he's treating you this way consistently then you deserve MUCH MUCH better, lose the zero and get yourself a real hero
Did you ever watch, "The Great Santini", by any chance?
The most recent post reminded me of it.
I'll see if I can find it on Amazon, looks interesting.
I called the Chaplain's office to make an appointment. I know they have pretty firm confidentiality rules. I can't leave until I find a job (I moved cross country to be with him when he got orders) so I definitely don't want to tip off his command. I just have to talk to someone about this, it is crazy.
It is very far from normal--the constant suspicion, the 80 phone calls. Really far from normal. Get counseling to find out why you give in, esp. when you know you hate the situation. Change can happen, but you need to be prepared to insist on it rather than saying you insist on it but not holding to whatever consequences you tell him will arise (separation, whatever). After you feel prepared, or even during individual counseling, you can try marriage counseling. If he won't go, keep going on your own to help you figure out what you want to do. (PS: even if it was normal, that wouldn't make make it right!)
A chaplain? I can't imagine a chaplain can help you. I see your situation and the type of support you need as being totally opposite of his training. I expect him to tell you in so many words to remain loving and supportive of your husband and to make light of the way he treats you. I think that's the last person you want to talk to. You have to make a plan and start by getting a job. I think I would actually begin by asking my parents or family to pay my flight/bus/train back home. If you have a car, as them for the gas money so you can drive back. Get a job after you arrive. I really see no point in staying where you are any longer than absolutely necessary, but if there is no one to help, then get a job now and save up until you can pay your way. It doesn't take much for a bus ticket. Do you not receive any military stipend from being his wife?
Do you not receive any military stipend from being his wife?
I'm not sure what you mean. He makes a little extra for having a dependent. I actually pay him $500 towards rent. (My only income is my GI Bill, which expires in August.) We've only been married a matter of months, so I'm not due any benefits post-marriage if that's what you meant.
I'm afraid going "home" isn't an option for reasons beyond the scope of my current troubles.
I have been looking for work since September, gotten assistance with my resume at the career center. I've been applying for jobs NATIONALLY and have considered going back in the military, though this is not as easy as it used to be!
I am going to the Chaplain because of their confidentiality. I can speak freely about what's going on at home without an automatic FAP (Family Advocacy) case being opened up. If that happens, there will be an investigation and while he probably won't lose his job, he sure won't be patted on the back for it. And right now, the LAST thing I need is more of his anger. The last time I left him, he threatened me with "war" and that he would leave me destitute. I'm not ready for war with him yet.
No. I need to focus my energies on getting a job and THEN I can go through Family Advocacy if I want to. I resent him, but I do not feel vengeful like I want to ruin his career or anything. I know that may sound silly, but I just want to quietly slip away without enraging him further.
In the meantime, I really need a human being to talk to face to face (I haven't made any friends here yet) and the Chaplain is my best bet. He won't necessarily approach this from a religious bent.
It is very far from normal--the constant suspicion, the 80 phone calls. Really far from normal. Get counseling to find out why you give in, esp. when you know you hate the situation. Change can happen, but you need to be prepared to insist on it rather than saying you insist on it but not holding to whatever consequences you tell him will arise (separation, whatever). After you feel prepared, or even during individual counseling, you can try marriage counseling. If he won't go, keep going on your own to help you figure out what you want to do. (PS: even if it was normal, that wouldn't make make it right!)
Thank you. I don't think this will change. Just 2 weeks ago he was telling me how sorry he was and how he won't do it again.
I am speaking up for myself more now that he's overseas. I can't back up any consequence right now, he has me by the proverbial you-know-whats financially. (Why did I allow this??!!) The second I get a job offer, I'm out of here. I have to be. The longer I stay, the less respect I have...for myself.
What she is describing is OVER THE TOP harrassment. No one normal makes 80 calls just because you hang up on them. Kicking her out, putting GPS on her phone, threatening divorce, taking over her FB page...
Can he fix himself? Yes. But to do so, YOU have to set up VERY high standards - boundaries - for what you will accept. Read the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend to learn how to do so.
A good start is to tell him - while you are on good terms - that you will no longer accept inflammatory words from him. And each time he GIVES you one of these over the phone, you will hang up, and you will NOT answer the phone again (and DON'T!). The more you cave in, the more it teaches him it works.
My H called me a b*tch 
