Texting impacting marriage
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 05-20-2010, 03:57 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 111
Default Texting impacting marriage

I have noticed that my wife has been texting all the time. It has steadily increased over the past few months that it is affecting my well being.
She will text before work, during work, and after work until bedtime. We have been married for 15 years and have 2 children.
She is texting friends only, no men, but I can't help but start to develop a jealousy that I am getting cheated out of time with my wife as well as my children with her friends as well as the technology itself.
These texts are with her friends who are obviously in different stages of their life where it does not have an impact on there relationships. One is married and one is not.
She becomes distant and does not respond in the loving way in which I married her.
I feel alone, sad, hurt and am getting tired of the fight.
She wants to make fun or make light of the issue when I say "it is time to stop texting don't you think"
I have given my life to develop a loving relationship, a deep love that I never want to give up.

How does one counter her playing off that texting is no big deal and it is my problem?
She wants me to be who has the problem.

background information:
wife is 38, i am 40
i give back rubs 3 times a week
we eat out
normal intimacy
i complement her
i clean house
take kids playing
generally make her life stress free as possible
on surface all seems fine

Any help is appreciated!

lost, hurt, sad, feeling empty and unloved

Last edited by helpplease; 05-20-2010 at 04:12 AM. Reason: added more information
helpplease is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-20-2010, 04:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
lovelieswithin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: California
Posts: 149
Default

Aw I am sorry to hear that! Well to be honest I text most when I am bored. Hows the excitement levels in your marriage? are you outgoing? do you make romantic date plans etc? if youve ruled out this possibility then she could simply be getting carried away into techland. Sometimes I really get into facebook and have to set a kitchen timer so I dont end up neglecting my husband all night long. Perhaps suggest a fair limit to time u guys set aside for cyberland? she doesnt believe u r serious so sit and tell her shes hurting your feelings. She may not even realize how much she does it!!! Try having an official date night every week where both leave phones at home. Also suggest a phone free family game night! that way hopefully she will c what she is missing and try to scale back. Hope this gives u some stuff to ponder and hope it helps!
shes lucky u care most men wish their wives would go do their thing more...
Posted via Mobile Device
lovelieswithin is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-20-2010, 04:24 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 111
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

She has stated that she is worried about getting old.
Statements of being married "forever" is scary.
Are we going to be doing the same things for the next 20 years?

These are some statements she has made.

I know we have a routine, wakeup, get kids ready for school, work, come home, take kids to events, chill, and go to bed.
Next day is a rewind and play again.

We do go out and eat as a family, but not very often as a couple.
helpplease is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-20-2010, 08:47 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 384
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

Technology and boredom are real marriage killers...take it from people who know that have wives in the age group of (32-40)..are you positive she is not texting a male 'friend' under a different name?
2Daughters is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-20-2010, 09:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 111
Default

I am near 100% sure that no guy is being texted. It is just so hard when many people turn to technology and internet and compare their life with other peoples. On Facebook everyone seems to have the best life, not reality but online it sure makes people question what they have.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2Daughters View Post
Technology and boredom are real marriage killers...take it from people who know that have wives in the age group of (32-40)..are you positive she is not texting a male 'friend' under a different name?
Posted via Mobile Device
helpplease is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-20-2010, 10:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Bluegrass State
Posts: 169
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

It has killed my marriage of 13 years. Her lover's name was listed as a female. Youre going to need to dig and analyze those numbers. Do not wait.

Well that didn't kill it alone. It just made it easier and most convenient to have an affair.
Twistedheart is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-20-2010, 11:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 7,317
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

What kind of phone does she have? Keep in mind that on a lot of new phones you can be logged into Yahoo Messenger or chatting on Facebook - all that typing doesn't have to be texting.

I've had a lot of problems with this over the last year too. My experience has been that most of my wife's female friends have better things to do than text all day - they have jobs, families, kids, etc.

But if she's texting a man, they are much more likely to respond quickly and repeatedly.
nice777guy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-20-2010, 12:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: U.S.
Posts: 210
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

Both my H and I text a lot and on my end, itís almost always to female friends. I rarely talk on the phone anymore. Think about how much women (in general, I know there are exceptions) talk though. Then think about condensing that to text. Itís going to turn into whole a lot of text messages For me, on rare occasions it will be male friends of the marriage Iím texting but itís all on the up and up. Of course this mode of communication has been used to maintain affairs but itís also totally possible that these are indeed just female friends. Listen to your gut on this.

It does sound like your wife is a little bored which is why sheís turned to communicating with friends. And obviously this is a problem because itís taking time away from your marriage and your family. I agree that you need to put it to her in those terms, she might not realize that is what she is doing or how much time it actually eats up. Set some limits that you can both agree on and start spicing things up a bit.
WantsHappiness is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-21-2010, 01:34 AM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 384
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

My wifes male 'friend' was Amy on her phone.
2Daughters is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-23-2010, 05:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 111
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

Well all indications from her bf is that the issue is with her feeling that she thinks that she settled for me. Would have been nice to know years ago. What can a guy do. You give your life to make someone happy and now this is what you get. I still am sure all texting is with friends only. I clearly have a bigger problem to workout.
helpplease is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-24-2010, 10:28 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: U.S.
Posts: 210
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

That has to have been a painful discussion. Itís good though, now you know what the problem is you can start addressing it. Have you discussed it with your wife? While Iím sure the friend is being honest with you, you and your wife should really talk about this because as you pointed out you have a bigger problem to deal with.

What do you do to perpetuate her idea that she settled for you? Do you agree? Do you act like she is better than you?
WantsHappiness is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-24-2010, 05:28 PM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 111
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

I don't feel like there was anything. I definitely don't feel she settled. I love her with all my heart. I don't feel like I act like she is better than me at all. The only thing was that I treat her like gold. Her friends tell her she is the luckiest wife out there and only wish that their husbands treated them like I do my wife.
Some days I feel like it is that I have not aged as well because of some balding. Seems superficial I know but that is how I feel. The rest of me is in great shape, no belly gut, fit and trim. I take care of what I can do something about.

We go out and do things together, with kids and without.
I complement her
I give her back rubs all the time (3 to 4 times a week)
I am not an A$$ to her

All in all she says that when we broke 20 years ago (we were apart for 7 months) that she pursued me so hard that she felt she should have been looking for someone else. Now she regrets being "weak" but now she is much "stronger" and would never let that happen again.
On the outside every person who knows us would and does say we are like the golden couple that marriages should be based on. Clearly not now since my heart is now destroyed!
We make good money have no money stresses, except that I cannot give her more of what she wants. Like a huge home on a beach.
I am so lost I don't know what to do. How does one go about mending the problem?
She says that she will still be here in 6 months and not to worry, that I am making this a way bigger deal than it is. It seems pretty much a big deal to me.
The most difficult time of my life, when the one you love and want to spend the rest of your life with has now got different feelings.
helpplease is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-25-2010, 11:59 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: U.S.
Posts: 210
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

If sheís not bringing up your physical appearance I wouldnít worry about it. It doesnít sound like youíve let yourself go at all, balding is not something you can control!

As far as her saying this isnít a problem. Well, it is very much a problem for you for the reasons you have stated. If she doesnít think itís an issue that she feels she settled then thatís fine. She would be the one to take issue with that particular problem itself. The issue is what sheís doing as a result. Her reactions to this feeling are a detriment to your marriage. She is engaging in activity that takes away from your marriage and family life. That is very much a problem for you and it should be dealt with whether she thinks it has merit or not. If it has merit for you then itís important. And itís especially important because you feel sheís neglecting you.

At the same time if she ďregretsĒ ever getting together in the first place that is a very big problem whether she wants to recognize it or not. Of course she will have friends and a social life, the important thing is balance. How often does she go out with these friends? Or is it mainly texting and phone conversations?

It does sound like you put her on a pedestal a little bit. Thatís fine, every woman would love that. For a few years. After awhile it can get, well, boring. Does she do these things for you as well? Give you back rubs and complement you? Is there an even share of household chores between you? Has she vocalized to you that these actions are important to her?

From the sounds of it you are so busy making everything perfect for her, catering to her, that you are not getting your own needs met (spending time together without the phone). It needs to be a two-way street with both of you giving to the marriage so that you are both meeting each otherís needs and getting your needs met by each other.
WantsHappiness is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-25-2010, 02:57 PM   #14 (permalink)
Resident Therapist
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Novato, CA.
Posts: 109
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

I'm seeing more and more relationship disruption in my therapy practice - and in life lately. As helpful as it can be to have so much ability to "communicate," it becomes a problem when it gets in the way of relationships - where one feels like they're not being prioritized. Try telling her how it makes you feel when she's not focused on you during times that are supposed to be for the two of you. It's not that you don't want her to text her friends - but you don't feel cared for when she's preoccupied by it in your presence.
__________________
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
<br> Author The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples<br>
Creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com<br>
Tools for Marriage, Relationship and Emotional Health
lisakifttherapy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 05-25-2010, 06:09 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 111
Default Re: Texting impacting marriage

I don't really think I put her on a pedestal but I do treat her very well. I at times do not feel that things are reciprocated as much but I really have noticed that after all of the issues started to rise to the surface.
From a physical/intimate point of view that has always been very gratifying and that I guess would be her way of reciprocating.

I guess it leaves me with such a huge question for women then. If we treat you great and meet your needs, how does that get boring? I am very confused about the statement. I do not walk around asking what can I do for you to make you happier? I do things on my own out of love, because I knew that it made her happy.

As per the texting, I explained how myself and the kids felt when she was on her phone all the time. It really did not sink in for her. She thinks that I am trying to be a controller of things she like to do, "keeping her in a box" was the term. She gets to go where and when without any problems. Going out with friends, girls night out or whatever.

Today the last thing I finally got out of her (she is reluctant to open up) was that she wished that we would have dated longer after we got back together. We were together for 2 years, broke up for 9 months, and got back together and got married in 1 year 3 months. I stated that if we dated long we would have still got married. We got/get along great up until now. She also states that it scares her to think that we have been together longer than when she lived at home with her parents.

I am just confused and she will not give any information about why she feels this way other than what is stated above. Then wants to walk away and say that she doesn't want to talk anymore. I stated that I really don't know what she is going through but that if there is anything she needs I am here for her.

Still so confused about all of this and still have no idea what to do.
helpplease is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
texting

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Texting Annie76 Coping with Infidelity 34 09-07-2011 05:01 PM
Texting - How Much is Appropriate? swd General Relationship Discussion 12 09-28-2010 06:15 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:09 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.