I'm new to the forums because my fiance and I have had this problem coming up in our relationship that is pretty much ending it.
I'm a very picky guy who likes things to be perfect. Cant stand things not to be pretty close to the way I like them. Ill compromise on some things but other things are set in stone to me.
My fiance and I have been together almost 4 years now and we both agree they have been the best 4 years of our lives. She's 20 and I am 21. When we first started dating I made all attempts to make sure that I wouldnt drive her up a wall with the things i have set in stone that I would never want in a girl. I made sure she wasn't into drugs at all, that she wanted to be something and not just work for Mcdonalds or something along those lines. I could never date a smoker or a heavy drinker. lastly I hate body art. Piercings are ok as long as they are not crazy like eyebrow and lip and tongue piercings. Tattoos also fall into this category.
Well she had one tattoo when we started dating and I asked her if she wanted anymore. She answered no, if she had answered yes I would have not gone any further in the relationship becuase getting over the current one was hard enough as it was.
About 3 months ago she said Im getting another tattoo. It wasnt a question, would I feel ok if she got one, it was a statement. I know I have no say, but communication would be nice. Well, I got upset begged her not to get one and that that wasnt the simple girl I fell in love with. She agreed not too but now her entire family is calling me a controlling abusive a-hole.
Days later she came home with gauges in her ears. My stomach pretty much knots immediately. Once again that's just something I cant stand. I eventually compromised after days of fighting over it. I said that I would be able to live with it for a short amount of time as long as she didnt go big and she took her time so she didnt damage her ears. I dont really want to spend 700.00 to get her ear lobes fixed when I would rather spend it on us having a good time together or starting our family.
Well its now a month later and she went way too quickly with the gauges. She went from a 10 to a size 6 in roughly a month and a half. Im scared damage has been done and I also dont like the size 6. Its just too big for my liking. She said shed go back to an 8 which I was ok with. (she has tiny ears so 6 looked...bad)
All these problems caused us to break up 1 month ago. We are trying to work through things still and we are still wanting to be together but I dont want to be a controlling A-hole if thats what im being. I feel im not being one becuase its just not what I like and would have never gotten involved if I knew thats what she was/wanted.
The main problems I see with tattoos/gauges is:
#1 They are unattractive.
#2 Both can limit your job choices and I would really like us not to be worried about money becuase she is forced into lower income jobs.
#3 Its something that I said I never wanted in a girl.
She says she doenst want to loose me and that she will not do these things anymore becuase im more important but I still feel guilty. What do we do?
I feel like this is something that isnt your fault or hers. I dont feel as though you are being an A-Hole because you up front about wha tyou wanted and I also don't think she is being horrible for changing her mind and maybe experimenting some because she is still young and at your guys's age (im 19 so I know lol) Itd fun to experiment with dif things and get the craziness out of your system before really GROWING UP. You seem to be fine with not getting the crazies out of your system and so is my husband. I had a little bit of a harder time with it than he did... and I still feel the need to go do random, all be it irresponsible things. It's who we are when we are young I think maybe it is a stage she is going through. I think it was smart of you to compromise on the gauge size. You sound like a good man.
The thing is though.. that if this isn't a stage and this is really who she wants to be then maybe you two are just dif. people? I say give it time.. maybe another year of the relationship on a probation period... Try not to nag her about her ears... Sometimes its best just to suck it up since they can be fixed.. At least she agreed not to get the tattoo If By the end of this probation period she still seems to feel unhappy that you wont let her do her ears or get tattoos or any other crazy idea then maybe you two need to sit down, talk, and re-evaluate your relationship. Dont cement it with marriage just yet, see where it takes you. I dont really think it is as huge deal as your mind thinks it to be while you sit there and think about it lol. I have that same prob. The more I think about something small the more it turns into a large issue.
You guys will work it out im sure.
~Hope it helped
You are both REALLY YOUNG. I think you both have a lot of growing up to do. This is the time for experimenting and self exploration - which is what she is doing. It also seems like you are being a bit controlling and unwilling to compromise. Relationships are about accepting each other for WHO you are not who you want them to be. If she wants tatoos and piercings you either have to accept this or move on. Otherwise - while she may not do it because you'll get mad - resentment will build up and will eventually lead to destruction in your relationship.
Well thats what im afraid of. Im afraid she's not going to get a tattoo becuase I dont like them and then eventually get upset she didnt. I dont want to ever run into this problem again. I want to be with her and I do feel being up front and her changing is perfectly fine...but at the same time we are in love and its not as easy as cya babe!...And I understand the experiment phase but can't it be less permanant?! lol. Well she also wants to be a nurse/doctor and that will screw it up if she gauges her ears and gets another tattoo.
I think if I hadnt of told her I didnt like these things when we started dating then Id be an a hole, who seemed o be controlling...IDK im very mentally weak right now.
I think it will come down to whats important in life.
I think it will come down to whats important in life.
I'm not the most impartial person to answer this because I do have tattoos. But you are totally entitled to not like them, nor think they look good. But frankly you will have to make a choice. Will her gauging and tattooing herself be enough to make you not love her? I don't think if you decide that tattoos are enough to end the relationship you are a jerk or are wrong. But, consider everything carefully. Being controlling about it though will just cause problems now and in the long run. You will find that as you are in a relationship longer that you won't always agree on everything. It's up to bother of you to decide on each point if your able to compromise on the issue.
i only think its something i couldnt live with. Me and her have come to a solution for the gauges. She likes 8's and I dont mind them...so shes going to stay at 8's.
As for the tattoo, well its something that puts knots in my stomach...and she knows that. I make tons of compromises and so does she. And ya we dont always agree on things but she wins alot too. I Just dont think i could get past all the stress it would put me through. Its one of those pet peeve things and I think becuase its so permanant that it makes it worse.
She says she's not going to get a tattoo. She is following this thread too. We both are. We thought we shoudl go to a counselor about this but we are in different states atm and cant really afford that atm anyways.
Wow, its really mature that you are both following the thread I'm really happy to hear that you guys are open and that you have come to a compromise. I think its a very good compromise honestly. I think she gets her gauges and that wont ruin her life and as for the tattoo.. well she has one already and I think its good that she is taking the initiative by saying she wont get another one.
However... I don't see the problem if she wants to get a small tattoo in a place nobody will see it... the only problem with that though is that if nobody will see it besides you and her and you dont like tattoos then it is kind of pointless... I personally am pro tattoos but in this situation I believe the tattoo is not the best thing.
One way or another I think you could use some counseling just to learn to accept some things a bit easier. Not only will you not have such dislike for some things that are only physical appearance related, you will make yourself more relaxed and have an easier time enjoying all the wonderful things this world and its diversity has to offer. I guess I think learning to chill would make you and everyone around you a bit happier.
Now.. on the other hand I can certainly see if this was something you spoke about prior to getting married and she agreed and understood, that she is out of line here. Not for wanting tats or guages but rather for not valuing you feelings enough to at least discuss the matter first. However I'm going to guess that her asking you if it was "OK" would be subcoming to your "ownership" of her apperance. And she already knew of course that you would have said NO.
The two of you need to sort out together the balance between her right to be her own person verses your letting her know ahead of time things involving her physical appearance that are not acceptaqble to you. OH... and counselling is WAY cheaper than divorce and there are deeper proplems that tats and guages sitting in this relationship....that's my bet at least.
She needs to respect the fact that you dislike tattoos and piercings especially since you told her from the very beginning and she agreed not to get them. She should not have gone behind your back and got gauges.
It's not about the gauges or tattoos, it's about respecting each others opinions, wants and needs.
But on the other hand, if you love someone you don't break up with them over stuff like that. It's what she's like inside that counts, how she treats you, the way she loves you.
If she wants to experiment with tattoos she can get one of those temporary henna tattoos and see if she really wants a real tattoo or it's just a phase.
And OneMarriedGuy is right, you should definitely try counseling!
...It's not about the gauges or tattoos, it's about respecting each others opinions, wants and needs....It's what she's like inside that counts, how she treats you, the way she loves you. ...
Best summary I've seen. Unfortunatley it rather implies neither of you is 100% right or 100% wrong. Making it not so easy to know what to do. Relationshiips are that way alot of times. Both of you have very valid points and yet they do not allign with the same answer.
My wife and I were talking last night and both agreed how much better our marriage would have been if we had learn to properly communicate (both expressing and listening) with each other sooner.
dude, chicks with tattoos are so f'n hot, is that what you are really worried about? My personal opinion, of course. And people Do change their minds. Perhaps she did not want anymore at the time when you asked her. People, times change. maybe being a bit more open mindedness in the beginning would have prevented the gauged ears, this could if been somewhat rebellious act, since she knew how you felt about the tattoos. It was not a good idea for her to just show up with the new piercing, would have been nice for her to discuss it with you. And maybe she feels she would have been "shut down" if she asked you. Compromise, maybe a tattoo in a less peculiar place would make you both happy, if not,.....its her body, if a tattoo makes her happy, and you love her, end of story. Its only VISUAL, look past that that for real beauty.
Well, I do see why you are upset with her. You expected one thing and got something else. HOWEVER, there are some things that you should learn that may help adjust your attitude a bit.
I have 00 gauged ears. I went from a regular piercing to at 2 in one day, then from 2-0 that same week. Didn't think I wanted to go bigger but found super cute 00 gauges and that was the last pair so I upped it once more a day later. I've taken them out several times to see how they would be, and they are FINE. They went right back and I regauged them. No big deal.
About the tattoos and jobs. I went to a SUPER conservative baptist Christian university- probably the least accepting group of Americans I've been around- and I have a half sleeve. I did my senior research project on the perception of people with tattoos, strictly within the university students, faculty, and staff. What did I find? NO ONE CARED. People either liked them or not, but no one thought less of the person for having them. No one thought they appeared to be a criminal or had gang association. As a whole, people could take it or leave it and went on with their lives. I have a great job and my tattoos have had no effect whatsoever on it. Why? Because I know when it's appropriate for them to show or not. She could still be a nurse or a doctor, she just can't have her tattoos showing. I know this as I have two guy friends who are nurses and one has a half sleeve, the other two full sleeves and they just keep them covered.
I can see how it would bother you if you're not attracted to them, but I'll reiterate the points made above. Do you love her for her, or for what she looks like? She isn't a different person for wanting these things. They've actually become a huge fad these days. I think you do need to chill out a bit. It's absolutely fine that you dislike them, but she likes them. You are so young and you are incredibly naive to think that she won't change what she likes from four years ago until now. How old was she then, sixteen?? You sound more like an overprotective father than a boyfriend. I think you're asking too much of her if you expect her to be exactly the same for the rest of her life as she was at age sixteen. Most people, like to change who they are from that age.
You sound pretty rigid and superficial--and I don't mean that in a judgmental way, just reflecting back how you are coming across. Frankly, that's related to your age--most people outgrow these tendencies, or they remain fairly unhappy, because life requires flexibility and real love requires depth.
Why not give yourself some time to grow up before committing to anyone? You'll be changing a lot for the next few years, and while we never stop growing and learning (God willing), the pace of change does slow down after about 25 (when the brain stops developing, as they now know). You may or may not decide to stay with this gf, but try to realize you may change in ways you don't anticipate, and that's o.k.
I think it will come down to whats important in life.
This is a great point. I do think it's great that you were upfront with things like tattoos and piercings bothering you, but how do you think you will be if things come up that are not by choice, but are things you don't like?
My ex was pretty certain of what he liked and didn't but being conservative, it wasn't an issue. However, when I was 5 months pregnant with our first child, a test came out questionable. He didn't go to the Dr. with me and basically said 'I can't handle if the baby isn't 'normal'' ... Wow...never felt so worried and alone...fortunately all was well but if it were not, I'd likely be raising the child on my own.
Things don't always go along as smoothly as you like so it's important to remember what really is important in the grand scheme of things.