Wife's male friend
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Old 05-29-2008, 11:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife's male friend

My wife and I have been married for more than 10 years. The last year of our marriage has not been its highlight, and both my wife and I have acknowledged this. Recently, I took issue with one of my wife's male friends. They were office friends when they worked together, and they have continued to contact each other after this. My wife phones or emails him regularly, and she recently came home to tell me that they had lunch together. I took issue with the matter and expressed my concerns. My wife stated that she "isn't doing anything wrong -- that it is just a friendship." She said that she has no attraction to him. I don't know this man well, but I have met him. He is significantly overweight and unattractive (my wife is physically fit and attractive) My wife and I have continued to disagree about the issue. I don't think she should be seeing him one-on-one, but she continues to state that I have nothing to worry about -- that she has no interest in him beyond friendship. Am I being silly to make an issue of this? My wife and I are about to start marriage counseling to work on the overall health of marriage. Am I being silly to raise this as an issue. She's being forthright with me in telling me about the relationship, but I still have my concerns about the value my wife is placing on her friendship because it seems to be a big deal to her.
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:02 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

Ask her the question in reverse. Is it okay for me to have one-on-one relationships with women? Let her soak it in because often people don't see an issue when they are the ones in control of the situation.

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Old 05-29-2008, 12:12 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

If it is bothering you, I don't think it's silly to bring it up in counseling. Talking through it with a third party may get you to realize it's no big deal or get your wife to realize it's not a healthy relationship to have within your marriage, whichever may be the case, but it's better to work through it than to let it fester within.

I think it's easy to get defensive in situations where your spouse wants you to do or stop doing something and you don't see anything wrong with it. It's just natural to want to protect your freedom. In these cases, I think it's better to talk about why it bothers you and how it makes you feel vs. trying to argue the point whether it's right or wrong because your goal is to feel better about it not to win an argument. If through talking, she decides to end the friendship because she believes it will help your marriage be sure to let her know how much it means to you and how it makes you feel...also important to talk about positive things/feelings
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Old 05-29-2008, 12:39 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

Hi Soda. I understand what you're talking about, and Draconis's suggestion is a good one. I think it would take a big step on my part to accept it if my husband were such good friends with a female and regularly meeting her.

Having said that, one of my best friends is a man (also an ex co-worker). We make an effort to get together at least once or twice a month for dinner, ****tails and a movie. I've always gotten along better with men than women. My husband has never had a problem with this and knows that when I'm out with David I'm safe and in good hands.

I am so *not* attracted to David - he's not my type at all. But he is a real genuine friend, and they are hard to come by. I also have two best girlfriends, but they live 5000 miles away (not joking), so I am really grateful to have such a great friend here. Every once in a while my husband will come along for a drink or the movie, and David and I are both fine about it. What about joining your wife and her friend for lunch a few times - then you could also get a sense of the vibes that are going on there.

I don't know your wife, but I can imagine that she is telling the truth and you have no worries. The fact that you two will be beginning therapy together also shows me that she cares and wants to make an effort!
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Old 05-29-2008, 10:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

I don't care how fat and ugly someone may seem to you if she feels like she can communicate with him on a one on one basis I would be alittle concerned. I'm just saying as a woman, if he makes her feel good about herself---???

I agree with having the shoe on the other foot, and I am glad that you are both starting marriage counceling because a married woman should not be hanging out with a guy or going to lunch with a guy who is not her husband (or a male relative).
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Old 05-30-2008, 12:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

I would try and get to know the guy.

I have several friends that are females.

On a closer note, I became friendly with one of my female neighbors, who is the same age as me and is very attractive. Her kids and my kids became very good friends so we spent allot of time together.

So much so, people thought she was my wife, but we were friends. I could tell that her husband who was balding and overweight was visable concerned "something" was going on, my wife knew nothing was, my wife is extremely attractive as well. But I am a decent looking fellow, Fit, in shape, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes.

Anyway I could tell her husband felt threatened by me, So I made it a point to spend more time with Both of them, and Also just him, to create that Bond between men. He soon realized I had zero interest in his wife, that she was more like a "sister" to me then anything else.

So now we are all comfortable in our own skin and can joke around. To teh point of During the super bowl they were Patriot fans and we were Giant fans, before the game, HE said, "Hey how about if the Patriots win I get to have sex with your wife, and if the Giants win you get to have sex with my wife!" and before I could get a word out...The DEATH look and his wife said, "Oh I will F him alright" He quickly cancelled the bet and we switched it to my suggestion of the other couple has to wear the other teams jersey to our annual luau......But since the Giants WON the game I can not resist to "dig" him a little, but he knows, My wife knows, and His wife knows....Nothing will ever happen between any of us except a good game of cards and a laugh over a few drinks.

Guys and Girls can be friends, but it takes Maturity and understanding of where the line is.
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Old 05-30-2008, 10:34 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

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Originally Posted by GAsoccerman View Post
I would try and get to know the guy.

I have several friends that are females.

On a closer note, I became friendly with one of my female neighbors, who is the same age as me and is very attractive. Her kids and my kids became very good friends so we spent allot of time together.

So much so, people thought she was my wife, but we were friends. I could tell that her husband who was balding and overweight was visable concerned "something" was going on, my wife knew nothing was, my wife is extremely attractive as well. But I am a decent looking fellow, Fit, in shape, dirty blonde hair, blue eyes.

Anyway I could tell her husband felt threatened by me, So I made it a point to spend more time with Both of them, and Also just him, to create that Bond between men. He soon realized I had zero interest in his wife, that she was more like a "sister" to me then anything else.

So now we are all comfortable in our own skin and can joke around. To teh point of During the super bowl they were Patriot fans and we were Giant fans, before the game, HE said, "Hey how about if the Patriots win I get to have sex with your wife, and if the Giants win you get to have sex with my wife!" and before I could get a word out...The DEATH look and his wife said, "Oh I will F him alright" He quickly cancelled the bet and we switched it to my suggestion of the other couple has to wear the other teams jersey to our annual luau......But since the Giants WON the game I can not resist to "dig" him a little, but he knows, My wife knows, and His wife knows....Nothing will ever happen between any of us except a good game of cards and a laugh over a few drinks.

Guys and Girls can be friends, but it takes Maturity and understanding of where the line is.
Well said---
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Old 05-30-2008, 11:18 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

I agree with happilymarried67 on this one... a man or woman has no business being friends with a person of the opposite sex in the manner described in this post. Both husband and wife can be friends (TOGETHER) with another couple, always getting together and relating as a couple to a couple, but the one-on-one friendships are inappropriate and are a potential powderkeg.

I would also submit that if the husband feels uncomfortable about the wife's friendship and if she really loves her husband, then she should put the husband's feelings and views over the friends and even her own. This is true also if it were the other way around.

I have been married for almost 16 years and I have never had (nor my wife) a friend of the opposite sex, except in the context of my wife and I relating to another couple (always in that context, 2 relating to 2).

You can call me old fashioned, but going out to dinner with another person of the opposite sex, going to a movie, dancing, etc. are all "dates" and are forms of intimacy. I'm not talking about sex, but there are various levels of intimacy. A married person has no business going out on dates with anyone other than their spouse.

It seems as if some people want the security and stability that a marriage brings on the one hand, but on the other hand they want to act like they're still single. You can't have it both ways without someone getting hurt.

It's also selfish to say "I see nothing wrong with it" and expect the upset spouse to just accept it. True love puts your spouse's feelings before your own.

You will hear people say that they have had an opposite-sex friendship for years and nothing bad ever happened. People have done lots of inappropriate or dangerous things and got by without disaster, but that doesn't make their acts any less inappropriate or unwise.

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Old 05-30-2008, 12:10 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by GAsoccerman View Post
I would try and get to know the guy.
...
Guys and Girls can be friends, but it takes Maturity and understanding of where the line is..


Why does it have to come down to a sex issue? I talk to my male friend about a lot of the same things that I talk to my girlfriends about (and my husband too). Does this mean that one of my girlfriends might make a move on me? And am I forced to only speak to my husband if I want a male point of view?

As soon as you start talking about who your spouse is allowed to spend time with, it's getting silly. We're partners, not parents.
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Old 05-30-2008, 05:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

Well... in your wifes defense, I've been in this situation and it also was 'appearing' that my wife's brother's wife (my sister in law by marriage) and I had something going on. So now I make it a point to have my wife around when I am near my sister in law. Or I make it a point to have her brother around. At least the kids anyways. I mean, its not like there is something going on, however once I took a step back, it did look that way, even to me.

So concern is warranted... however take it at face value until you can prove otherwise. On the same token, you must also be confident enough in yourself to be able to tell your wife your concerns in a manner that is something very tactful. Now, I had a First Seargeant of mine define tact as telling someone to go to hades, and having them want to go. So when you bring this up in counceling (a good idea someone else brought up) make sure you present your concerns in a mannner that express yourself clearly, and at the same time, let your wife know how much you love her and are concerned with her love for you. I think thats how I would approach this. By the way, when was the last time you bought your wife a rose... for no reason at all? Just a suggestion.
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Old 05-30-2008, 06:35 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

i have male friends. but i dont go out to lunch with my male colleagues or one on one. i dont think its fair to do that to someone whilst in a relationship.
i think there can be innocence and nothin happening in any given situation, but i think you have a repect for your partner and of their feelings. would i like my partner doing it and the answer is NO.
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Old 05-31-2008, 12:32 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

Well I can only speak for myself and the relationship I have with my wife.

We trust each other and communicate often.

I have several female friends and my wife has several male friends.

Been married 12 years, together for 19 years.


Sometimes trust has to do with ones own insecurities. But only you can gauge your relationship and find what is acceptable and where to draw the line. But I would not jump to conclusions.
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Old 05-31-2008, 02:16 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

If you think that this friendship is inappropriate then you are completely justified in this point of view. Your feelings are quite valid and it is right for you to confront your wife (gently) about this situation.

Your wife may very well be telling the truth about the fact that it is just a friendship and there is no attraction. But there are boundries that must be respected with married persons. If you feel that a boundary has been crossed then I will have to agree with you.

Your wife may have a void in her life that she is trying to fill with this man. Talk to her and try to discover what this void is. A harmless friendship can easily develop into something more if the situation is right.

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Old 06-02-2008, 10:23 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend--considering divorce

My wife and I started counseling, and we also spent a weekend getaway with each other. I also discussed my concerns with her again, and she started crying. She said that I am just jealous. Now, she did invite her male friend and his signicant other over to our house so I could get to know him better (at my request.) I could have predicted that "male friend" would find an excuse to turn down the invite. (I extended the same invite previously.) On Sunday night, she looked at me and said. "Okay, you know that I'm not being unfaithful, right? I am not being unfaithful. It is just a friendship." I'm not sure anymore. I should mention that when my wife and I were first married that we had a similar issue. Same conditions...someone much older than her, overweight, unattractive, who didn't have his crap together. I had a close friend point out all the parellels, and it shocked me. In both cases, the "friend" seems to be the exact opposite of me. I keep myself fit, I am successful professionally, and while I might not be the best looking dude in the world, I am not paunchy, balding, and hit with the ugly stick.
I am at a point now where I am considering letting her throw her marriage away over her friend. I am contacting a divorce attorney for advice.
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Old 06-02-2008, 10:54 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife's male friend

WOW, divorce?

Maybe she has a savior complex, always wanting to "save" people. Maybe not.

Either way only you can decide how you feel in the relationship and have to be responcible to make yourself happy.

I wish you the best of luck.

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