Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 05-21-2010, 01:09 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 39
Default Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

OK here is the deal. First post so bear with me.

A few weeks ago My wife and I went to a neighbor's sons birthday party. While we were there enjoying some adult beverages around a table outside our neighbor friend asked another female neighbor friend if she knew my wifes ex boyfriend while I was sitting across the table from them. I was a little irritated that not only does my wife (for some reason) want to talk about her ex with her friends but also she feels the need to see if people we know, know this guy. The female neighbor had gone to the same High School as this he did but I wasnt sure how she answered the question because I got up at that point and left the party.

Was I wrong for being angry that in my opinion my wife wants to check up on her ex boyfriend? I was called immature and rude but in my mind you shouldnt really talk about ex boy or girlfriends in a marriage or committed relationship for that matter. I consider it nothing but disrespectful to the other person. Ive never done it and feel neither should she. When I hear that she wants to know If people know him I feel she is talking about him and trying to keep tabs on him and I wonder what was said that I didnt hear.

Again am I really the one who is wrong here? Just looking for some honest opinions....
Mrinsensitive is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-21-2010, 01:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Blanca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,043
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrinsensitive View Post
our neighbor friend asked another female neighbor friend if she knew my wifes ex boyfriend while I was sitting across the table from them.
well, its not like your wife brought it up. maybe something was happening with the guy and they were just checking in. one of my old high school friends tells me about an exe of mine from back in high school. she just tells me what is going on in his life. i dont think its a big deal.

does your wife talk about this guy often? does this happen often? i think if its one event and they were just reminiscing about things then its not a big deal. what were they saying about him?
__________________
"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
Blanca is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-21-2010, 01:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 39
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

Thanks for the reply...Im not sure how she was keeping up on her Ex or in what way she was talking about him. When I asked her about how often she had those converations she was vague and wouldnt answer definitively.

Again I could be wrong but in my opinion she shouldnt check up on him at all...once she decided to marry me...It only makes me feel insecure.

Thanks Again
Mrinsensitive is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-21-2010, 04:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 804
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

The neighbor friend asked another friend if she knew the guy. Why do you keep saying your wife wanted to know, your wife want to check up on him, your wife wants to keep tabs on him, your wife this and your wife that. So far, you have not told us your wife did anything. Therefore, I have to agree with your wife that you were being immature and rude.

Other than that, your wife is friends with this neighbor. Somewhere in the course of their friendly exchanges, the neighbor and wife shared what high school/college they attended. This is normal conversation between people becoming friendly. They realized they have a mutual acquaintance, someone the friend attended high school with and someone who happens to be your wife's former love interest. This is also normal discovery that rises from normal exchange between friends. Otherwise, all you have succeeded at suggesting is your wife tells everyone she meets about this ex boyfriend, which isn't likely and doesn't make sense.
Susan2010 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2010, 02:48 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Blanca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 4,043
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrinsensitive View Post
...It only makes me feel insecure.
this is the root of the problem and not something you should ignore or just try to get over. Your feelings are important and it is important that you share how you are feeling.

but it could be two different kinds of insecure. you could be insecure in general and so it has nothing to do with what your wife does. the problem could emanate from you and so you interpret any action on your wife's behalf as threatening. Or, it could be that your wife is neglectful of you and so you have a reason to feel insecure. Maybe she doesnt show you enough love, or love in a way you understand. So her talking about an exe would rightfully make you feel insecure even more. Of course it could be both.

Dont ignore how you feel, but also keep in mind that you could be insecure and pushing her away. No one wants to feel locked in a cage by their spouse. that's not love. controlling your spouse's actions so you feel "safe" in the relationship is only going to produce the exact opposite. she's going to push you away as fast as possible.

I used to feel very threatened when my H would talk about his exe, and he has a couple of girls that he had a crush on on his facebook page. used to really bother me. most people would have told me i was just insecure- well ya i was because my H was neglectful. Now he is more attentive to me and i feel like he loves me so it doesnt bother me that he has those girls on his page.
__________________
"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
Blanca is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2010, 04:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
GoDucks's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 125
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

I agree with all these folks, but I gotta share... I'm a bit like your wife, and I have been married for more than 12 years.

We live near the town where I grew up. I have friends (still) that go back to grade school. When I hear about my HS Sweetheart (or any other ex), I want to know how & what he's doing. I don't want to be with him, but I spent time with him as the closest person to me. I did love a couple of ex's. My H knows all this, but hasn't ever been threatened at all. He knows I'm loyal... I'm just a curious person.

I hope this explains - from my perspective - these conversations don't mean she is pining for the past. She might be a little competitive, so wants to assure herself that she's chosen the better option!

Also, we women bind through our relationships with others. How we knew folks, what we all think of them, etc... It helps us relate to each other. I just don't think this thing is real cause for concern... Obviously.
GoDucks is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2010, 05:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 572
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

How long ago did he become her EX? I think you are going a bit overboard that he came up in conversation with a lot of people who know him. Have you never been involved in a conversation where one of your Ex's was mentioned?
TNgirl232 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-22-2010, 09:44 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 39
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

Thanks for all the replies!! Weve been together for 15 years married for 8.

I might be old school. I ll admit that. Ive never spoken or inquired about any of my exes and certainly never brought up any of them by name to our mutual friends. I am one who thinks you should never talk of others you dated when you are with someone else- wether that be on a first date or marriage of 8 years. I consider it to be nothing but disrespectful. I mean what guy wants to hear or picture his wife with some other guy???
One of my exes lived (or lives) only a mile from where we live now and I ve never spoken about or of her to this day. My wife has no clue and unless she asked I wouldnt tell her of this former relationship. There arent really any of my exes I care to ask about nor really care what they are up to.

I ve asked my wife why she was asking about her ex. She never gave a specific answer as to why. And true she wasnt the one who brought up the subject at the party, she was the one who initially talked about him in the first place. I wonder why she was asking about him at all and then wonder how many other times shes talked about him that I dont know about?

That arouses my suspicion. Also I cant understand why if she is with me she would even want to know what he is up to? Recently I saw she had a facebook account and asked if she were trying to reconnect with any one else in her past. She said no but I saw emails at our email address from again guys she was 'friends" with from her past. This too made me feel insecure and her and I argued about it until she eventually closed the account. I guess really I ll always hold some degree of suspicion because I also dont believe most guys want to be "friends" with women for purely innocent reasons.(unless the guys are gay) I think 90% of guys if given a chance would hook up with their lady "friends" if given the chance.

Anyway sorry for the rant and thanks again.
Mrinsensitive is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2010, 01:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

To clarify, I'm not "married4life" I have only been married a few years, I just have always had strong beliefs and faith in marriage hence the name. Anyways, I've experienced the same things. And I've learned men and women operate totally and completely differently on this issue and interestingly enough they respond very different as well. For instance, if the you (the guy) were talking casually about your ex at a party and your wife walked up?....good luck with that. Women expect us to understand the "emotional compenent" of caring for their ex....and we guys get that. We trust you. You are a woman, the wife I chose to marry, possibly the mother of my children and my soul mate so if you weren't caring and loving of people we probably would not ever have been. The thing is, guys operate on a different level as I've said. You may think it is friendly talking about, or talking to your ex. The ex doesn't see it that way I assure you. So even though we trust you 100% we don't trust him and thus any hint of your interest for him, is enough to make us insecure. BECAUSE WE DONT TRUST HIM, NOT YOU. And I can spot all the women's posts saying this guy is insecure but he's really not. He has a point. The girl is married now, she shouldn't engage in conversation about the ex. If someone brings it up in a small town, say "that's great for him" and move on. She really shouldn't care. My wife has friends of hers that I know readily discuss her ex to her. My wife is dedicated to me and I know on some level that may make her very uncomfortable, but she still talks about him for her girlfriends that ask. As a husband, do you think I should respect these girls and their "girl talk?" Again, it would never go over as easy for me if the guys talk about my ex and I appear interested at all. We all know women are WAY MORE insecure than men so don't bash this guy. She needs to respect his feelings as well. So now that she knows its wrong and its been discussed, she should not do it anymore out of respect for him.

Last edited by Married4Life; 08-11-2010 at 01:44 PM.
Married4Life is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2010, 11:20 PM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

Newb here, my wife (2nd) loves to talk about her exses all the frickin time it seems. Her mom brings up the topic sometimes, other times it's her son.. And then they start to talk about her sons father, it's not easy to sit here and listen to it.
Not insecurity,it makes me very irritated tho - I share your pain...
disrespect in my opinion
67MIke is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2010, 01:14 AM   #11 (permalink)
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: United States
Posts: 6,453
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

Just curious guys but how is this working out for you? It sure sounds like you are radiating a lot of fear and insecurity of ex-boyfriends.

I know my W loves me - and is really into me. Once in a while something about an ex comes up. No big deal. I guess if she became tiresome about someone in particular I might have some fun at her expense along the lines of:

"Rick - wait wasn't he the guy with the giant ummm - member who had "iron man" like stamina in bed? Do you think he ever considered a career as a porn star?"

But then we use banter to let each other know when a topic has become tiresome. Humor is a FAR better tool than anxiety and insecurity.

I do however draw the line at ongoing communication with a past ex. That is WAY different. But I wouldn't whine about it, or say it is disrespectful. I would simply tell her it is unacceptable. That is a magic phrase in this house. If either says that to the other it really means something bad is close to happening and the specific behavior in question comes to an abrupt end. But she has never contacted an ex to my knowledge and I don't think she would.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Married4Life View Post
To clarify, I'm not "married4life" I have only been married a few years, I just have always had strong beliefs and faith in marriage hence the name. Anyways, I've experienced the same things. And I've learned men and women operate totally and completely differently on this issue and interestingly enough they respond very different as well. For instance, if the you (the guy) were talking casually about your ex at a party and your wife walked up?....good luck with that. Women expect us to understand the "emotional compenent" of caring for their ex....and we guys get that. We trust you. You are a woman, the wife I chose to marry, possibly the mother of my children and my soul mate so if you weren't caring and loving of people we probably would not ever have been. The thing is, guys operate on a different level as I've said. You may think it is friendly talking about, or talking to your ex. The ex doesn't see it that way I assure you. So even though we trust you 100% we don't trust him and thus any hint of your interest for him, is enough to make us insecure. BECAUSE WE DONT TRUST HIM, NOT YOU. And I can spot all the women's posts saying this guy is insecure but he's really not. He has a point. The girl is married now, she shouldn't engage in conversation about the ex. If someone brings it up in a small town, say "that's great for him" and move on. She really shouldn't care. My wife has friends of hers that I know readily discuss her ex to her. My wife is dedicated to me and I know on some level that may make her very uncomfortable, but she still talks about him for her girlfriends that ask. As a husband, do you think I should respect these girls and their "girl talk?" Again, it would never go over as easy for me if the guys talk about my ex and I appear interested at all. We all know women are WAY MORE insecure than men so don't bash this guy. She needs to respect his feelings as well. So now that she knows its wrong and its been discussed, she should not do it anymore out of respect for him.
MEM11363 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2010, 07:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
greeneyeddolphin's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,486
Default Re: Wife still talks about her "Ex"- should I be annoyed?

your wife didn't bring it up, so why is she being blamed. You say that one neighbor brought it up to another neighbor. Unless your wife is living next door, this one isn't on her.

As for not talking about exes, well...sometimes you have to. I have 2 children with my ex. So, yes, sometimes I do have to talk about him. There are child support and visitation issues, plus the occasional explanation of how their father isn't around, but that their stepdad can deal with whatever for me, etc. Does the talk bother my guy? Probably, yes. Like you, I'm sure he doesn't want to think about me with someone else (I don't want to think about him with someone else, either....but it's a part of life, gotta deal with it.). But he also realizes that I don't do it to hurt him or offend him. He also is smart enough and secure enough to know that if I really wanted to be with my ex, or any of my other exes, I would be. Instead, I choose him.

She chose you. If she wanted her ex, given the mutual friends they seem to have, she could have him. And yet...she's with you. Think about that. And stop getting so upset over it before you drive her away to someone else with your insecurity.
greeneyeddolphin is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Remember when you were newlyweds and calling your new spouse "husband" or "wife"... Wildflower3 Going Through Divorce or Separation 11 06-11-2013 03:03 PM
It's hard when you have to try to make the "hate" for someone override the "love" you Darrien Going Through Divorce or Separation 12 03-15-2013 11:16 AM
Wife "talks" about restarting things Lionelhutz Sex in Marriage 106 03-12-2012 03:12 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:10 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage