Drained And Full of Tears

?ingItAll · 05-24-2010, 02:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Susan2010

You don't have to fuss at me or get offended. I wasn't saying your situation is black or white. I was saying if you decide to control things by withholding from him, you will easily find yourself out on the street. No manner of disrespect is beyond him, as I expect you can see. He likely feels you have no right to withhold from him since he is taking care of you, you have no other means of support, and you have no ground to stand on. He can see this just like you can. Therefore, either leave or stay there and play nice.....for your own sake and that of your children.

I dont like to fuss in real life, so I definitely wouldnt not
do it over the internet. Sorry you perceived it in that manner.

Im am sticking to being cellibate. STDS are real and dangerous, I choose not to risk it.

?ingItAll · 05-24-2010, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

As for your relationship, what this boils down to is boundaries. You have to have them, and he has to know them. A boundary will look like "I cannot remain with a man who hides secrets from me, including access to his phone and computer if I ask for it." And if he THEN knowingly refuses to allow you access (on the spot, not when he's had time to remove the evidence), then you tell him to move out. Because you will not remain with a man...

See how it works?

If only I had made boundary statements in the beginning.

I know there are women who have there husbands passwords and vice versa but does this generally occur or only in cases of known infedility?

Can you establish boundaries in a relationship thats already years along?

turnera · 05-24-2010, 03:18 PM

Sure! You just go up to him and say "I'm not happy with the way ABC is going in our marriage. It's causing me a lot of pain and I have to do something to make the pain stop, because I don't like being this miserable. So if you want to continue to do ABC, I'm going to have to do XYZ each time you do it, to protect myself. Of course, if you don't want me doing XYZ, you and I can sit down and work out a way we can both get what we want out of this marriage."

Agent J. · 05-24-2010, 03:28 PM

I do the same thing... I never know who is calling texting or emailing, most of the time I just ignore it until its "safe" to view... He is hiding something.

?ingItAll · 05-24-2010, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by turnera

Sure! You just go up to him and say "I'm not happy with the way ABC is going in our marriage. It's causing me a lot of pain and I have to do something to make the pain stop, because I don't like being this miserable. So if you want to continue to do ABC, I'm going to have to do XYZ each time you do it, to protect myself. Of course, if you don't want me doing XYZ, you and I can sit down and work out a way we can both get what we want out of this marriage."

Thank you. I needed some type of idea of a way to go about this conversation.

?ingItAll · 05-24-2010, 08:39 PM

Okay, I just read: iPhone, Laptop and Trust Issues (Affaircare - you out there?) and wife denies...i dont buy. There was so much useful information posted there. While it saddens me that so many others are going through similar situations, its helpful to know that there are suggestions and ideas that may work and questions that I ultimately have to ask myself.

Two of the biggest issues I have been wrestling with is: a)not feeling like Ive been told everything about past issues i.e. thinking he may have only admitted to "this much" to avoid an arguement. b)Will I feel "better" knowing everything, will it make a difference?

He vehemently denies ever cheating (which for him cheating is the actual act of sex) and says that no matter how much he tells me the truth I believe its a lie.

Which makes me think he may create a "Yes, I cheated story" just to "shut me up." Will I know for sure if he is telling the truth in my heart?

We are supposed to have a full disclosure conversation tonight, however if it doesnt transpire tonight I will have to do it tommorow so that he cannot use being tired as an excuse to rush or end the conversation.

Blanca · 05-25-2010, 04:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ?ingItAll

Will I know for sure if he is telling the truth in my heart?

We are supposed to have a full disclosure conversation tonight, however if it doesnt transpire tonight I will have to do it tommorow so that he cannot use being tired as an excuse to rush or end the conversation.

I had so many conversations with my h to try and get the truth out of him. i dont have those conversations anymore. If he keeps making excuses to get out of them, why force him? if you have to force him just to show up there's no way he's being honest with you.

My H is a liar. I didnt notice in the beginning but he's the worst manipulator/liar ive ever met. I dont ask him serious questions anymore because he's not capable of answering. only took me a million conversations to figure that out.

What i trust now is how i feel. it is the only thing i can completely trust. If i dont feel good about the relationship, i back off. its that simple. I can understand your situation is different since you dont know if he's sleeping around and you have kids. but the bottom line is he's not trustworthy and you know it. as hard as it is you have to wait for him to come to you. that is the only way you will know he's telling the truth. and i dont mean wait for him to tell you all the little secrets he's been hiding. he may never tell you that. but if he's trustworthy he will talk to you about what he needs in the relationship. this weekend was the first weekend in the five years i have known my husband that he came to me with a problem he had with the relationship. that's the only way you know they are starting to be worthy of your trust.

and as far as boundaries, there's a great book called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. my H and i did it together. my H really opened up emotionally and it was a constructive way for us to get out our resentments.