General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
So the big fight happened 2 weeks ago. I took my share of the blame and have been on top of things since and I know that it's going to take more than 2 weeks to prove otherwise.
My was sporadic during the first couple of days, saying "It's not your fault, I'm just being selfish" to "It's your fault!". I am emotionally drained. I spent 1 night in tears, first time that's happened, away from my wife because I thought it would 'push' her. I've lost about 10lbs from lack of appetite and my work is getting harder and harder because I think about is her and what I can do to get us past this situation. She hasn't had to lift a finger for 2 weeks. Laundry done, dishes done, mother-in-law taken care of, her food prepared...everything.
2 things are making it worse, and please tell me if I'm just obsessing. First, it seems that she take whatever I say such as the possibility that we may get a chance to work on a film set in November, and her comment was "Well, that's not for sure though is it." No, nothing written in stone about our roles in it, but something to talk about...shot down with some negativity. And it's not just that. Today, we were talking about the news and North Korea and what they've been up to. My wife said "You should move to Canada, you'd be safer there." The Japanese translation isn't literal 'get out now'. It's kind of hinting at a choice...not something I want to hear from my wife whom I think loves me as much as I love her.
Then there's her uncanny ability of being up-to-date on certain issues going on within a circle of friends that are 'men only' which has me thinking she's be going back and forth with 1 of them on a daily basis. I worry that she's getting her attention there and when it's time to enjoy home, she doesn't need any, which is why the conversation turns negative most of the time, not all.
Today was lasagna and a garden salad with wine...she loved it. When I could see she was nodding off, I told her I would bring her to bet and she jumped at me "NO! I can do it. I'm not tired, my eyes are just itchy."
She warned me the other day that PMS is on...and not being an expert, I don't know when it starts (Mood changes) and ends...and feel like I'm giving it my best but that she doesn't seem to care that my heart is being dragged through coarse sand, emotions on stand-by, not able to think ahead and constantly ponder about the past and MAY have happened. I see other people involved with me knowing it. I mentioned that I have never talked about any of our issues, big or small, to any friend. She was a little surprised...which has me guess she HAS talked...and when you get one side of the story, the person listening isn't going to be unbiased.
Sorry, but the big red flag for me was that she spends a lot of time with other men. Have you ever checked her phone records to see if there's one number she calls/texts all the time? Checked who she contacts online?
If she is cheating, even emotionally, nothing is going to work in your relationship. You need to rule that out first before we give any other advice.
Sorry, but the big red flag for me was that she spends a lot of time with other men. Have you ever checked her phone records to see if there's one number she calls/texts all the time? Checked who she contacts online?
If she is cheating, even emotionally, nothing is going to work in your relationship. You need to rule that out first before we give any other advice.
Spends a lot of time with men would mean being with them wouldn't it? What I mean by keeping in touch is by texting. When at home, the texting is to a minimum. I can't say for sure when she's at work on her break. She works in a facility that prohibits telephones in the offices due to security reasons/privacy laws and can only access her phone on her break when she leaves the building for lunch or when she goes to the locker room where they change.
Like I said, the reason I wonder if she's been in touch with another man is because she's more in the loop on things than I am and refers to this person, but always ends it with '...what he told me at the last function we (Her and I) attended.'
If it's a 'friend' thing, I'm OK with that. If she's hiding it because she's worried I'd get jealous, not being the jealous type, then I get suspicious. I've never taken issue with any texting in the past...but this recent fight has me on edge. This morning everything is going well, she's getting ready for work and I'm already ready but won't have to leave till noon so I finished up some extra chores. I would love to see her telephone text messages, but even then wouldn't know how to handle it from there. I feel like I should trust her. I feel like if I check her text messages I'm breaking whatever trust we might have...is' confusing...
Spends a lot of time with men would mean being with them wouldn't it? What I mean by keeping in touch is by texting. When at home, the texting is to a minimum.
You are aware, right, that most affairs now start ONLINE, with FaceBook?
Look, we don't know enough information to have a good assessment of what you need. It's just that, almost EVERY time a man comes here, and says his wife has a male 'friend,' she's cheating.
And if she is, you have to stop the affair before you can worry about the marriage. Because if she is, she does not care ONE BIT about you right now.
Do some snooping - check her phone records and put a keylogger on her computer, see who she is most in contact with. If you find nothing, great. We'll give you more, better advice.
Checking out her computer is easy. She leaves all her stuff like me, password already in.
Checking her phone is something else. The only time I can do that is if she forgets it at home while I'm at home. It's happened many times before, but not recently.
She is asking me to 'be myself' as I've been on edge the last 2 weeks, helping out much more than I have before. She's telling me that she doesn't want me to be someone I'm not and to "please act like the person I married.'....easier said than done when space and time is needed. She ensured me that it was all her and had nothing to do with me. Her hormones were playing dirty on her (That time of the month) and she apologized for making me feel the way I've felt. I still plan on being more helpful, but I'm completely drained, emotionally and physically.
Been living together 8 years, been married for 4 years. No kids (Although we've wanted kids, certain healthy conditions until recently have prevented us from having them. Those are no longer issues though, as in we can have kids) The change took place just a few weeks ago as far as I noticed. I don't know what EA or PA mean? If you mean affairs, none that I know of and I haven't felt as though she's ever cheated on me. The conditions of our current situation are perhaps making me more sensitive to what's going on around me.
She informed me that PMS was playing a role in her current lack of compassion. As long as I've known her, her cycle is always off...it's not a 28 day thing, it can be shorter or longer by several days. Which makes her emotions on those days crazy. This time around it felt a bit different.
Basically, we're at a point where she says "Please be yourself." and I say "I'm trying." but my brain and heart are taking a beating trying to be normal when that's not what I feel. I told her last night and the next chance I get I'll tell her again, no lies, no secrets. She promised there weren't any. A part of me feels like I should open a door for her to leave if that's what she really wants, regardless of how much it will break my heart. The faster it's broken, the faster I can move on...
As for hiring a PI, I'm not interested. The way I see it now (And my mind may change depending on the day) if she's with someone else, or if she's not but really thinking about a divorce, then I'll be sure to let loose my anger when that truth comes forward, and it will eventually. I guess until then I'm on my own...
Just want to add some more, if anything just to get it off my chest.
I want to sit my wife down and talk more. The whole situation is literally making me feel sick and keeping me from doing things 'normally'. Unfortunately, I don't have it in me to take that chance that she's going to look at it as me pushing her into something she's not ready for. She says she needs time to 'reconnect with herself' is the best way of putting it. I don't know how you do that when you work 5 days a week and the 2 days you have off you spend your time cleaning or taking care of your mother. I cleaned this apartment from top to bottom so that she wouldn't have anything to do as far as that goes, but she still manages to find papers that she has to sort out, clothes she has to give away or throw away. I ask her to try and get out of the house to spend sometime doing something she wants to do, she loves books and the book store (You can use the book store like a library here, you just can't take the books out). 2 weeks since all this has kind of erupted. Last night, she says she still needs more time. I'm not sure if she's talking days, weeks months...she's 40 and going to be 41. I'm 32...as far as I go, having kids is something I can, health wise, wait on. She's at an age where time isn't something you have a lot of when thinking about having kids. Age has never been an issue for me, but when it comes to health, I can't ignore the risks of pregnancy at this age. Is it that she really doesn't want kids. She's been so keen...
My work allows me to sit ponder these things, sometimes to an extent where I think 'too much' as some people have told me. I wish it were as simple as "Let's make it to this day and then let's get on with life as usual." but it's not that simple.
Check your phone records to see what one number she contacts all the time - like dozens or hundreds.
Install a keylogger on the computer and monitor it for 2 weeks.
If you find nothing in that time, we'll give you other advice.
Main thing to remember is that you have NO control over what she does or wants. All you can do is BE who she wants to be around. That means finding out what you do that she doesn't like, and stop doing it. It means finding out what makes her happy, and being the ONE person who does all those things. If you need help finding those things out, get the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders.com. I think affaircare also has some similar things on her website.
Im reading this and I just feel sorry for you chap.
Some women that you meet, fall in love with and sometimes end up marrying are just rotten people.
Alarm bells for me here are time with other men, whilst she might have make friends, there is something not right here, It appears that she is using you in a very superficial way. Dont stand for it, you have to accept that things are bad now and that working on things will take the two of you to commit to not just one.
Tell her you love her if you do and because you do I would suggest more time away from each other, its going to be hell but it will give you both time to think. I hate to say this but if you are away and these other men are on the scene anyway It would be better this way than finding out in 12 months.
Show yourself some respect and tell her your on a break and please dont think its all your fault, some women can be more posionous than a viper.
Wake up Call is needed here for both of you.
2 weeks in 
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