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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-26-2010, 01:42 AM Thread Starter
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Husband checks out emotionally

I have been married for nearly 21 years and I am at my wits end. The second my husband comes home from work he goes to his man cave and I hardly see him the rest of the night. He basically watches tv all night or is on the computer. On his days off he stays in the cave and comes out once in a while. He says he is too tired to do anything else. I know he is depressed but he wont get any help, I have begged him but he thinks counseling is useless. I am tired of being married yet being alone ALL THE TIME. I have been dealing with this for the past 10 years and just don't know what to do anymore. Our kids are teens now and often comment on how dad is just watching tv in his room. He is also so negative and thinks the world is against him. He gets angry at the slightest things and my girls and I walk on egg shells in order not to tick him off. I just don't know what to do anymore.

damse in distress is offline  
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-26-2010, 03:35 AM
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Re: Husband checks out emotionally

Tell him to get counseling or leave. Mean it when you say it. If you can't mean it and can't follow through with it, then don't look for anyone to help you. No one can. You have to do it yourself.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-26-2010, 03:41 PM
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Re: Husband checks out emotionally

i am in the same boat just opposite. i am the one who is just like your husband, minus the depression. i have been doing similar things to my wife and she is so upset that she is feeling completely lost and confused about herself, our marriage, etc.

this came about 2 weeks ago. but she said its been going on in her mind for a few months. she says i havent showed physical emotion to her for a few months (unless i wanted sex) and now she feels like she doesnt want to be touched and kissed or whatever. she went to a psych yesterday for the first time.

i want things to change and am willing to do whatever it takes but i am afriad it may not help. we are young. i am 28 and she is 26 and we've been together since high school. im afraid she may be feeling she wants out and etc. i do not want that. i love her more now than i ever have. like, you i am completely clueless myself on what i should do.

i have only been going through this for 2 weeks, you have been going through this for 10 years. i agree with susan, you need to get him to counseling or get him out. you and your kids do not deserve that.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-26-2010, 04:31 PM
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Re: Husband checks out emotionally

My husband behaves the same way. It has a lot to do with his upbringing (abuse, etc.), and its his way of protecting himself. He was also depressed and suffers from PTSD from his war experiences and military service (20 years). In an attempt to try to pry him out of this funk, I went to his doctor years ago and explained the issues and what he was doing. His doctor's suggestion to me was to start treating him like "one of the children" and directing activities that included him to force him to interact with myself and the family...this worked for me, and he finally recognized that he was indeed probably depressed and went to counseling and was put on medication. Now this didn't totally solve the issue (too ingrained in his psych), but it has pulled him more out of his shell. And to fight fire with fire, I go to his man cave every day and sit and watch TV with him, doesn't matter what we watch, but we're together in the same room. In the past, I tended to let him be and go into another room, no more - I join him in his every day when I get home from work and weekends, this forces him to interact with me and it works (for us). So I agree with others, maybe he has a low testosterone problem, is depressed, or something else...but if he won't go to counseling, you should go to learn how to deal with it or what you should do. Hope this helps.
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