shaggymister

Hi all. I have a question. I am 28 yr old male and have been in a relationship with my wife for around 8 years now. We got married in 2008. My issue is that she CONSTANTLY spends time with her family. Needless to say, due to early (abuse type on their behalf) circumstances I don't get along with her family at all. She used not to want to be around them much either but things have changed since the marriage. When I say she is constantly with them I mean as in, If she is not at work she is with them until she comes home when I get off from work and we go to bed. That doesn't bother me so bad except for the fact weekends are the same. I'm off work yet she spends the whole day with them. VERY rarely will she spend it with me. She seems to find some absurd reason to go see them (the latest being that she was mad at her mom so she wanted to go verbally tell her off, which made no sense to me... also she has used the excuse she has to bring her a coffee cup she left at the house or she needs to trim her mom's dog). I'm cool with her seeing family, but definately not at the expense of our marriage. I'm tired of sitting at home all the time alone or going out with friends WITHOUT my other half. Why does my wife get furious when I bring up the topic?? I've tried different approaches and she won't listen at all. She had all day off today and I was off til the evening. I saw her a total of about 5 minutes. I'm tired of it and feeling like this is not a normal marriage! What is your advice on this??

michzz

Are you sure that the is there 100% of the time she says she is?

And

Just start going with her sometimes, see what happens.

And

Make specific plans for something to do that she might enjoy and if she won't go with you, then take someone else. Not suggesting cheating, just go with someone else.

And

Insist on talking about it. Describe how you feel, 5 minutes of interaction is a problem.

cb45

gee whiz, seems i've read a couple of these same scenarios

here on TAM. i'd love to know r these posters all from

W.VA, AL or somewhere in dem der darn hills???

really, come on now. who does this, and who puts up w/

it even more still ???


& -------------------------cb45

shaggymister

Yes, for the most part I'm sure she is there. She will call me or I call her and there is no mistaking her mother and sisters voice. So I don't feel like she is lying to me. This morning I actually tried to talk about it to her and she got really smart about it. I asked her to just hear me out on how I felt about it. Her response "Oh I hear you all right, but it doesn't mean I have to listen" ??? It's as if she has some issue that keeps her from even wanting to be calm and reasonable with me.

sisters359

You just need to explain, calmly, that you want a marriage that includes companionship and affection, and ask if she is interested in remaining married under those conditions. She's not being sensitive to your needs, obviously, but she needs to know that this is not a discussion or debate--you have certain expectations of marriage and if she does not share them, you will find someone else. You need to be adult and calm, not accusing. This is about what you need, and if she cannot give it, you cannot "blame" her--you will just have to move on.

On your end, work on good communication and boundaries--you've let her get away with this, so ask yourself why? And, are you mad and perhaps accusatory? Then work on self-esteem, b/c a self-confident adult does not need to get angry and accusatory when another person disappoints his/her expectations. You state needs, wishes, boundaries, and if the other person does not meet them (in ANY part of life--work, wife, etc., but not with kids exactly), you either change your expectations to something more realistic for that relationship, or you move on. Anger doesn't help! It's a sign that you feel threatened, and that stems from your feelings of need and vulnerability, which more self-confidence, not controlling others, will help. (I'm not saying you are controlling, just making you aware that can happen).

shaggymister

Thank you sister359. I can tell that was a very thought out answer. I would love to have a calm talk with her. I've had problems with it before and maybe it's because usually we are huffy when I think it's the best time. I just hate ruining a good day by bringing it up, but maybe that would actually be the best time to do that as there may be less chance it would escalate. While you mention maybe having to "move on", I would have a hard time doing that for personal beliefs. I like to stand by my word and when I said "for better or worse" I meant it. I may be old school in the way I think, but I consider marriage a whole life commitment. So personally I just would love to find a way to work this out....somehow...

turnera

Get the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com and print it out and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what you are doing that she doesn't like. If you do things she doesn't like, she will find other things to do - like be with her family.

cb45

she's either hiding or....

not ready to communicate whats bugging her, resentment

wise.

i assume u didnt go to any premarital counseling eh?

for if u summed things up enough/well here, then u two

would seem to be poster-child types for it.

think i'll insist my kids do it b4 they get marr'd. cuz man

theres alot u 2 seemingly didnt discuss u shouldve.

--------------------------------------cb45