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Should I stay or should I go...

1K views 4 replies 3 participants last post by  Susan2010 
#1 ·
Hi,

I'm at a terrible crossroads and I'm hoping for some objective advice.

I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years (living together for 4) I'm 27 and he's 24. It's a happy relationship that I'm starting to resent because of the lack of a proposal.

Stupid I know; what does it matter? We're both young and have a lot ahead of us and I would have been comfortable waiting for longer but our situation will be changing soon and it's prompted me to reevaluate our relationship.

Basically, my boyfriend has been accepted to do another degree at University. Yep, ANOTHER. When we first got together,I was working in finance and he was a student. At the time, I was happy helping out financially. He gave what he could (working part time to help pay his half of the bills etc) and we managed to cover our outgoings but luxuries, such as holidays, days out etc, were non existant. Being not long out of university myself, this wasn't an issue; I was used to living cheaply and those first years were some of the happiest of my life.

However, once he left University and we were both working, things changed. I now teach, he works in insurance. He loathes his job but, for the first time ever, we have a (modest) disposable income. We're saving for a house, can afford to go on small trips and I feel like this is the direction my life should be going in. Life is much easier when you've got some money behind you.

As my boyfriend was so unhappy, I suggested he go in another direction like I did. Going into teaching was the best decision of my life and, while it's hard going, it is incredibly rewarding. So he did. He applied and got into a University course that would eventually lead to a good career. The only downside is that it'll take 5 years out of our lives before he qualifies.

I'll be 32 (scary enough of a thought as it is), struggling to pay bills because I'll be the only one with an income (pressure), he'll be working part time to contribute so we'll never see each other (He'll be at uni during the week while I'm working then he'll work at weekends) I always imagined that by 30 I'd be married, have my own home and actually be able to afford nice things. Now, I'll be living like a student again. The thought terrifies me.

I also want children and, due to medical reasons, the likelyhood of me being able to have them is pretty slim, especially as I get older. Once he qualifies, we'll need at least two years to get back on our feet financially, meaning I'll be at least 34 before we can even discuss children and our long term future.

I could deal with all of this, I really could, if I knew that he was committing to me the same way I'd be committing to him. If he were to propose then I would know that it was forever. I'm petrified of giving up my life for a maybe.

We've talked about marriage and he says that he wants to marry me but not yet. We're young, there's no rush etc. Before the University bombshell I agreed. Now, I'm not so sure.

I feel so awfully selfish. How can I encourage someone to better their life then turn around and say STOP!!!!???

Oh dear...

Weekate
 
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#2 ·
Well I can see your concern and where you are coming from.. but the real question here is what do you really want? I would advise against telling him to STOP as you said, only because down the road that can only lead to resentment and ultimately destroy the relationship all together. You are young but at the same time we all say that and then wake up one day and years have gone by. The only thing I can say here is if you have a healthy relationship and love each other everything will be fine... I understand you are worried about marriage and children but life has a funny way of working itself out in terms of that.. when things are meant to be they happen and I can't stand when people say that to me but it is the truth. I spent years waiting for my boyfriend to get out of the army and believe me it was worth it, I love him more than anything in this world and can't imagine my life without him... If he were to stay at the job he hates yes you would have money and be set and be able to get married but where would the happiness be? In the end you cannot put a monetary value on happiness. It's never to late to better your life and I think you need to talk to him and get more of a feel on what his plans are for the future... if school and everything else comes first out of his mouth then maybe you need to reconsider.... but I think as long as he has the same goals as you and wants to marry you and have children with you...take a deep breath and relax... time wasted on worrying is exactly that...wasted time.... good luck!
 
#3 · (Edited)
Romantic notions of leaving your life to chance are fine, but think about where that has led you up to this point - exactly where you are because that is what you've been doing all the long. Take control of your life. Set some standards for yourself and stop allowing this guy to use you. It really comes at an inopportune time since you actually offered yourself as sacrifice again, but you see that you want more from him than he has ever been willing to give. So, it would be beyond stupid to wrap your life around him, taking care of him, and putting your life and dreams on hold for another five years. I cannot think of anything more insane.

When I was dating and your age, I had rules for dating. These were standards that I worked hard to live up to and hold those I dated to. One of my rules was to never date a guy more than two years if we were not going to get married. If by two years a guy had not proposed or if I had declined, the two years mark was the time for me re-evaluate our relationship. Two years is long enough for a person to know if they want to be married to the one they're with. I wasn't going to give him (whoever he was at the time) any freebie time of mine to waste. So I had to analyze it to determine the relationship for what it actually was, as opposed to what I had spent that two years hoping it would be. Your guy is full of crap, and you have allowed yourself to be strung along like a love-sick child. What the heck is "not yet" supposed to mean??????????????

You are not being selfish in your thoughts about this. You are finally being INCREDIBLY sensible to think about your future in this way. And, you would not be telling him to stop. You would simply be telling him to proceed without you. It is high time he grew up without you fully supporting him or you paying half his way through life anyway. Bet the thought of that will make his arse propose with a quickness.
 
#4 ·
One for, one against - what to do, what to do??

Susan: I can see where you are coming from but it seems like a pretty harsh approach. Relationships are about parity and fairness; 50/50 applies everywhere, including the finances, in my book. I have more money so I contribute more - that's the way I understand it works in ALL relationships. Just because I',m the girl doesn't mean I don't pay my way. That doesn't mean I'm a pushover for helping him out.
He's a thoroughy decent guy and has never, nor would he ever even consider, taking me for a ride. We do want the same things...but we don't follow the same schedule. Saying that...I did bite the bullet.

I explained my concerns (which is a big deal for me-not naturally one to rock the boat) and he agreed with me. He said he does want to get married and was planning to propose prior to him starting Uni. I don't know whether this is the truth but I've given him a mental cut off.

No proposal by November then No me, Harsh but I think you're right. I need to think about me.
 
#5 ·
Millions, of women could have written your last post, or could have written it at a point in their lives before they were rudely awakened to reality. Read these boards, please. You are no exception and neither is your guy. Like I said before, romantic notions are fine, but they get you nowhere. I hoped to make the point that you have to set standards for yourself, as opposed to leaving your life to chance or to him. What I fear you've done is forced him into a corner. As a result, you get what you want almost by coercion of logical thesis. Now he has to propose to keep his word, or he has to fight his way out of that corner.
 
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