slick

I joined this forum so I can try to get a balanced perspective - but please be patient with me, it is going to probably seem obvious what I should do, but I'm not ready to give up yet. I'm here to fight for my marriage. I have been married for over 2 years, we have lived together for a total of 4 1/2 years.
My husband is from Mexico. He is from a highly connected family in the government. They are not what I would call wealthy, but they have a large family property and are educated. They might be considered upper class by Mexico standards. However, he did not speak any English when we met, and I spoke very little Spanish, so we used a web site translator to have our initial conversations. His English is good enough for basic communication now.
He has always been, and still is, a complete gentleman, and treats me like his very own superstar. He is affectionate, sensitive, patient, friendly to everyone, generous, thoughtful, and more... but if that was the end of the story, I wouldn't be here.
There were a couple of incidents over the years that were deeply troubling, and I cannot seem to let go. There was the trip to another town to see a boxing match. We rode in an SUV with another couple. The other couple was actually his friend, and his friend's date, who was MUCH more interested in my date, (we were not married yet at the time) in fact they talked to each other in Spanish the entire 3 hour drive there and back. I was never included in the conversation, and no one bothered to stop and translate for me. The only time the woman spoke to me was when both guys were out of the car at a gas station. All she said was that she was not interested in dating the guy she was with, she only wanted to be friends with him. Later, after the fight, there were about 10 - 12 people who met at a club. For some reason, one of the guys got chased out of the club by security, and the entire group jumped into cars and took off... leaving me alone, sitting outside the club on a bench after it was closed. I must have sat there for at least 2 hours. There was not a soul left, even the staff had gone home. Eventually my man came to get me, in a car driven by the other guy's date, the woman he spent the whole time talking to. I realize how stupid this must look, but I eventually gave up fighting about it, although I never got a satisfactory answer why I was left there alone. Then, a few months later, we went to a new year's party at that woman's house, and I was left alone with his mom and his brother's girlfriend, while the guys went into the main house for a mysterious reason, again, for at least an hour maybe two. The woman never even showed up for the party until the very end, and greeted everyone except me.
Now, these incidents were at least 3 years ago, and nothing like this has ever happened again. I was not strong enough then to let it be the death of the relationship, and since I have decided to marry him, I wish I could just let these things go. I can decide not to ever let myself be in those situations ever again.
I also discovered, a few years ago, that he had a hobby of using dating web sites, such as miamor.com, migente.com, similar to matchmaker.com type of thing. He still to this day, does this. When I confronted him initially, he got angry and accused me of snooping in his email, (I could never successfully explain to him the concept of browser history, that no email snooping is necessary) and moved out of the house. He called about a week later, and somehow we got through it, although I am not sure I remember a real apology, and like I said, he still does it.
Additionally, as if that was not enough... I have recently realized that I have been ignoring sexual abuse/sexual assault trauma from years ago. I am in weekly therapy for it, and in the meantime, I am not the least bit interested in sexual intimacy with him. Which I'm sure, if he wasn't cheating on me before, I couldn't really blame him now. But the weird thing is, the more time goes by, the more consistent he is with treating me more respectfully and things like the first 2 stories has never, ever happened again. He is always home with me. I am unemployed at the moment, so we are together pretty much 24/7, and once in a great while he will go somewhere without me, but I really enjoy the break and don't worry about where he is or who he is with.
I don't know what to think or what to do. I have this resentment, and every thing that goes wrong is added to it. I gave him a SUV when I bought my car in 2007, it was paid off, and I just handed him the keys and said "here, it's yours". I never imagined that I would never see it again. A few months later he came home without it, and said he loaned it to some friends, and later I signed over the title at his request, he said some traffic incident had happened and it would be better if my name wasn't on the title. If he sold it, I never saw any money.
I am not a stupid woman, I have a bachelor's degree in technology. But whatever my husband tells me, looks me in the eye and tells me it's true, he could be telling me the sky is orange and I will believe him. He says he loves me and I believe him. He says the only reason he is in this country is because of me, and I believe him. He has 2 kids in Mexico he never gets to see, but talks to them almost every day on the phone. He is really, a good man, but he is like a child in so many ways.
Sorry, I know this is a lot to take in, and it will be hard to understand why I don't just leave him. I ask myself all the time, why I didn't leave after that first incident being left at the club.

kimbo71118

Boy, I wouldn't know even where to start with this one. First, he leaves you stranded outside a club for 2 hours and gives no explanation? Then, he disappears into a house with "this girl" for a while and you don't ask why? Then, he is still using dating websites even though he's married? Then, his car disappears and you don't even question what happened (doesn't matter if you gave it to him or not). Could he be involved in something illegal? Could he be involved with this "other woman?" Is he using you to stay in the country or get his US citizenship (or is he a US citizen already - not clear in your post)? I am so lost on this one I couldn't even begin to give you sound advice of any kind. But, I think you need to ask yourself the following questions?

- What is his real relationship with this girl (either investigate and find out yourself or ask them both directly)?
- Could he be using you to stay in this country (if he's not already a citizen)?
- Confront again and then demand an answer on why he's using dating websites still.
- Find out what happened to that SUV (as there could be something illegal going on and you don't need to be associated with it).

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, then its a duck! Something smells fishy to me here and obviously to you too or you would not be distressed and posting on this site.

Good luck.

Susan2010

Slick, I think you should let the past go. Those events are probably bugging you because you can't believe you let them go at the time. I bet you are angrier with yourself than him. You shouldn't have let them slide, but you did so just don't worry about them now. You are allowing your resentment to fester, but that won't accomplish anything since you will never receive any better answers than he has already given. Besides that, what do you want us to say about them?

A pattern I notice with you is that you don't respond/react as events occur, and then you want to make them into problematic resentment. You have to do something about something so thoughts and problems don't take over your life. Where the SUV is concerned, I happen to feel if you give a person something, it is theirs. What they do with it is of no concern to you. So, I'm not exactly sure of the problem you're expressing that concerns the SUV.

You say he treats you well, and I think your resentment is of your own making not his. You didn't handle things when they occurred, so don't worry about them now. I'm not really sure what it is you're asking of the forum.

slick

kimbo,
Thanks for reading and responding. Now that I've laid the groundwork for my chosen title, "Resentment", I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to explain why I don't just do the logical thing and wash my hands & walk away. In fact, while he was gone the last couple of weeks, I secretly wished he would make the decision on his own to just stay gone & not come back. Sure, I would cry for a couple of weeks, maybe drink wine until I got sick, but I would get over it.
But there is a whole other side to this coin, which is why I feel stuck on a pendulum, and I just wanted to talk to some people about the topic of marriage, because I did marry him for love, and I don't want to give up.
The other factor is the support he has shown me in recent months. Our intimacy took a nose dive after we settled down together, and it caused me to do some digging to figure out why this always happens to me in my relationships. Turns out I have a history of sexual abuse/assault. I am in therapy for that every week, and I belong to another forum for that as well. But I wanted to talk to people about just regular marriage issues, separate from that.
When I told him that was why I had turned into an icicle, he immediately reacted with compassion and even went to therapy with me. He tries his best to understand, but, I think like anyone who has not been there, he just is not capable of really getting it, and I actually feel a little bit sad that a very important part of marriage just does not exist for us right now.
But I think it's important for me to talk about my feelings of frustration about things that actually pertain to our relationship right now, aside from the stuff from the past that I'm dealing with.
See, I told you all these terrible things he has done, and how I feel resentful, taken advantage of, etc. Interestingly, the two responses I see here take complete opposite opinions. That is fine, I know that exposing myself in a forum like this, I have to be prepared for any type of response, and be open to take honest opinions.
Let me address your initial reaction: He does not really want to be in this country, aside from me. His kids are down there, he has tons of friends, family, connections, he could easily get a good job or business going down there, but he chooses to be here with me. He is a happy, outgoing, loving husband. He tells me every single day how much he loves me. But even if he was perfect in every way, if none of that other bad stuff never happened, I still would not be able to really feel loved, by him or any other man, and that is my own damage.
That girl, from the trip and the party, I have asked him, and of course he vehemently denied any involvement. Stuff like that doesn't happen any more, and he is almost always with me, to the point that sometimes I wish he would go somewhere with his friends so I can have some alone time!
The dating web sites... yeah I don't get it. He will just get mad, he did before, and continue in secret. I don't know why. I think it's sort of like, fishing with no bait. He doesn't really expect to catch anything, and even if he got a bite, I don't know... I know how naive this must sound. I don't have a good answer. But I do know where he is 99% of the time - if he goes anywhere without me, he posts stuff on facebook. He does not behave secretive.
The SUV, I do ask, and every time I get some lame answer. I signed it over, so I can't report it stolen. On the other hand, my name isn't on it, so why should I care what it's being used for? Stupid, naive, me, I thought we would keep it as a 2nd car, so I could take the dog to the vet & not stink up my nice car. I didn't put that in writing, I guess I will know next time.
Well there it is. Now to answer the other post, on the other end of the pendulum swing. You both are totally in my head... depends what day it is, or how I'm feeling at the moment.
Thanks for reading!

slick

Susan,
You are absolutely right. These things happened years ago, and his behavior has changed. He can still be insensitive jerk occasionally, but most of the time he is loving, affectionate, and steady as a rock. I'm in therapy for sexual abuse/assault, and he has tried his best to understand and support me.
I hear you loud and clear, just let it go, but how??? I really do want to let it go but every time he does anything a little bit wrong, I remember all of it. What is this, is this the definition of passive aggressive? Where you store things up forever and one day, blow up like an offshore oil rig? That's how my mom was growing up, and I always swore I would never be like her. But how do I truly let this go and wipe the slate clean? I want to. It's hard to know what came first, the chicken or the egg. Am I unable to let stuff go because of the abuse, or am I unable to recover from the abuse in spite of therapy because I cannot let stuff go? Why can't I just have certain memories surgically removed from my brain so they don't bother me any more?
Additionally, going forward, I am taking steps to strengthen my self through therapy, and if something unacceptable happens, I will be able to deal with it directly. I am not going to be so passive. I really am disgusted that I let that happen, and yeah, I screamed at him, but it wasn't enough. I couldn't just get up and leave the place, because I didn't even know where I was, where the hotel was, I had no money, so even if I did call a cab I could not tell them where to pick me up or where to take me. I did think about taking action that night, but I really had no options. (If I had my iphone back then, different story!) But you are right, it's past, let it go, and don't let it happen again.
Thanks for your input, really. That's all I want from this forum. Honest opinions, how to let go of resentment.

Susan2010

Why did you stay with a guy who did that to you? How do you feel about yourself for not leaving him alone?

slick

Susan,

That is a loaded question. The obvious answer is I had/still have extremely low self esteem. The fact that I recognize that does not make it disappear. If he continued to do stuff like that, and I was still with him, that would be crazy, but that was years ago, and this has never happened again. Sometimes I think HE is the stupid one, because if he truly did not recognize the hurtfulness and ignorance of what he did, he has to be either extremely dense or extremely self centered and blind to consequences.

sisters359

If he needs attention from other women--as the dating site stuff suggests--he needs therapy to deal with HIS low self-esteem.

When both of you are feeling better about yourselves, re-evaluate the marriage. I don't think either of you is in a position to do so now. Explain to him that he needs help b/c he does not feel like a real man, and YOU know he is.

Be aware that as you both feel better about yourselves, you may see the marriage as a mistake. Or, just one of you. BUT you can try to re-establish the marriage on new ground, and it could be the best effort you ever made. Find a truly bilinqual therapist so there is no confusion and do some joint counseling before/after, and maybe during, your continued individual therapies. Your counselors will guide you.

Good luck!