General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok, here's the deal. . . .my wife is a somewhat jealous person and in the beginning of our relationship (premarriage) I used to talk to my old girlfriends (who by then were just friends).
After we had a fight about it, four years ago, I stopped. I didn't say a word to any of my old friends I just changed my phone number and cut off contact.
Recently, my wife and I created a joint account on facebook and all was fine for 3 months until a couple of old girlfriends tried to look me up. I knew nothing about it, when I came home from work, but she probed me to see if I did.
We discussed the situation and after some quibbling over if friends from 10+ years ago are still a threat. . . it was decided that I would tell them to not bother to write, my only condition in this matter was that I could not be rude about it. So I blocked them and told them nicely that I would choose not to communicate further. (They were my friends for many years and I can't be rude to people that were important to me and whose memories I would like to remain untarnished as it were)
Now, my wife is livid, because I didn't tell them rudely to go away.
Still- That's just not me. That isn't who I want to be.
She can't accept that and exhibited more childish temper tantrums than I can post-- in the course of a single day--. ( i.e. throwing her wedding ring at me and stonewalling me at a restaurant when I was trying to cheer her up. )
The issue is resolved, all "undesirable" people have been dealt with, but this brought up a new issue. . . .I work too much. Well, if I don't complete the projects the company is working on- I am fired- point blank. This requires time. This is also one of the few companies in our area that employs people with my particular degree.
We talked about this- and I am going to leave this company to work a different shift at the next available opportunity so that our work schedules match up and so that maybe I can get something a little closer to home (I drive an hour to work and back).
Still, she is negative and condescending.
My questions are-
1) If you offer valid solutions to the problems that arise in a marriage and that person is still negative about your lives together in general - how do you handle that?
2) She is lonely- I do work too much, but we have to wait to rearrange things-
I feel insulted that she lacks faith in our marriage as evidenced by the throwing of the wedding ring etc----
Is that wrong in your opinion? I have never questioned our marriage until now.
Is your wife without question, clearly and absolutely the highest priority in your life? If so, do you believe your actions, behaviors and statements are consistent with that?
Is your wife insecure/jealous because she isn't certain of your love/passion for her, or is she simply insecure internally regardless of what you do?
Separate from that, how does she treat you? Are you clearly and without doubt the highest priority in HER life? Does she make an effort to ensure you are happy and feel loved?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biochemist
That is, if marriage is ever stable.
Ok, here's the deal. . . .my wife is a somewhat jealous person and in the beginning of our relationship (premarriage) I used to talk to my old girlfriends (who by then were just friends).
After we had a fight about it, four years ago, I stopped. I didn't say a word to any of my old friends I just changed my phone number and cut off contact.
Recently, my wife and I created a joint account on facebook and all was fine for 3 months until a couple of old girlfriends tried to look me up. I knew nothing about it, when I came home from work, but she probed me to see if I did.
We discussed the situation and after some quibbling over if friends from 10+ years ago are still a threat. . . it was decided that I would tell them to not bother to write, my only condition in this matter was that I could not be rude about it. So I blocked them and told them nicely that I would choose not to communicate further. (They were my friends for many years and I can't be rude to people that were important to me and whose memories I would like to remain untarnished as it were)
Now, my wife is livid, because I didn't tell them rudely to go away.
Still- That's just not me. That isn't who I want to be.
She can't accept that and exhibited more childish temper tantrums than I can post-- in the course of a single day--. ( i.e. throwing her wedding ring at me and stonewalling me at a restaurant when I was trying to cheer her up. )
The issue is resolved, all "undesirable" people have been dealt with, but this brought up a new issue. . . .I work too much. Well, if I don't complete the projects the company is working on- I am fired- point blank. This requires time. This is also one of the few companies in our area that employs people with my particular degree.
We talked about this- and I am going to leave this company to work a different shift at the next available opportunity so that our work schedules match up and so that maybe I can get something a little closer to home (I drive an hour to work and back).
Still, she is negative and condescending.
My questions are-
1) If you offer valid solutions to the problems that arise in a marriage and that person is still negative about your lives together in general - how do you handle that?
2) She is lonely- I do work too much, but we have to wait to rearrange things-
I feel insulted that she lacks faith in our marriage as evidenced by the throwing of the wedding ring etc----
Is that wrong in your opinion? I have never questioned our marriage until now.
Your wife appears to be insecure and emotionally reactive. If you're behavior has demonstrated no reason to mistrust you then she's likely carrying old wounds around trust.
You both are being impacted by this - and if she doesn't do something to work on some of it, she's hurting herself, you and the marriage. I have seen couples divorce over one lacking trust at the level of intensity at which you describe - an example of why this really needs to be addressed.
My concern for you is that no matter what you do to appease her it won't work for the long haul - until the underlying issues are explored. Perhaps you can suggest marriage counseling; not in a blaming way but in a manner that suggests you as a couple can benefit from a neutral third party to help you out so that your marriage is stronger.
You might have offered a valid solution, but you didn't honor your wife in the process. She wanted to be honored, but you chose to honor your memories of other women instead. You also chose thinking it more important to be polite over your wife's desire and right to be honored in this situation. Maybe her suggestion was to be rude, and no you didn't have to be rude. You only had to think of her, your wife, and not put your past and past relationships above her. You resisted showing your wife she is first and most important in your life. That is all she wanted you to do after the past hurt and pain you caused her concerning these women has found their way back into her life again. Hers was not the best solution, as I say you didn't have to be rude. But your solution was even worse. After all, look at what it caused, and by the way, you have nerve to say you "feel insulted that she lacks faith in our marriage as evidenced by the throwing of the wedding ring etc" after you caused that mess. When all you had to do was tell them you were happy they thought to contact you but that you are married now and won't be able to maintain contact with them. Not her solution. Not your solution either but honors your wife, and she would have been satisfied.
Why yes, just what you needed is someone to tell you your wife is a jealous psycho with trust issues. Oh cripes!
If you didn't get my message the first time, here it is again. You caused her a lot of pain in the past concerning these women. You were wrong then, and you are wrong now. No, I am not a jealous psycho with trust issues sitting here trying to commiserate with your wife. Nor do I call myself a counselor who can't counsel. I am simply saying you need to learn how to show your wife you love her. She needs you to do more than say the words. This incident arose and instead of honoring her and showing her what she means to you, you opted to show her your past relationships and the memories of them mean more to you than she does. You should have handled the situation better. When you are in divorce court, you will regret this and all the other times and opportunities you let slide by just for the sake of resisting and just for the sake of being right. You will want to apologize and become a better man and husband to her. But it will be too late. If you don't believe me, spend some time reading on these forums. You will surely be convinced. But then, I have no idea how much she means to you and if you would like to avoid that ever happening. Just like your wife has no idea what she means to you.
Bio,
Can you give us more context about your past relationships with other women - while dating your wife/pre-marriage.
Specifically: Were these women / ex girlfriends - truly pursuing a platonic relationship with you or were they attempting to rekindle a romantic relationship with you?
Same thing with the FB messages. It is one thing to write
- Hey I just got married, really in love with my H, got a new job etc. How are you doing?
- Entirely another to send a flirty or ambiguous message that ends with a request to meet up somewhere.
Reason I ask is I am trying to understand if your wife is responding to legitimate threats to the relationship/marriage, or if she is simply a very insecure person.
I know this stuff isn't always clearcut, but a fair person can typically make an honest assessment as to whether someone is flirting/borderline flirting or clearly not flirting and not pursuing romance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Biochemist
That is, if marriage is ever stable.
Ok, here's the deal. . . .my wife is a somewhat jealous person and in the beginning of our relationship (premarriage) I used to talk to my old girlfriends (who by then were just friends).
After we had a fight about it, four years ago, I stopped. I didn't say a word to any of my old friends I just changed my phone number and cut off contact.
Recently, my wife and I created a joint account on facebook and all was fine for 3 months until a couple of old girlfriends tried to look me up. I knew nothing about it, when I came home from work, but she probed me to see if I did.
We discussed the situation and after some quibbling over if friends from 10+ years ago are still a threat. . . it was decided that I would tell them to not bother to write, my only condition in this matter was that I could not be rude about it. So I blocked them and told them nicely that I would choose not to communicate further. (They were my friends for many years and I can't be rude to people that were important to me and whose memories I would like to remain untarnished as it were)
Now, my wife is livid, because I didn't tell them rudely to go away.
Still- That's just not me. That isn't who I want to be.
She can't accept that and exhibited more childish temper tantrums than I can post-- in the course of a single day--. ( i.e. throwing her wedding ring at me and stonewalling me at a restaurant when I was trying to cheer her up. )
The issue is resolved, all "undesirable" people have been dealt with, but this brought up a new issue. . . .I work too much. Well, if I don't complete the projects the company is working on- I am fired- point blank. This requires time. This is also one of the few companies in our area that employs people with my particular degree.
We talked about this- and I am going to leave this company to work a different shift at the next available opportunity so that our work schedules match up and so that maybe I can get something a little closer to home (I drive an hour to work and back).
Still, she is negative and condescending.
My questions are-
1) If you offer valid solutions to the problems that arise in a marriage and that person is still negative about your lives together in general - how do you handle that?
2) She is lonely- I do work too much, but we have to wait to rearrange things-
I feel insulted that she lacks faith in our marriage as evidenced by the throwing of the wedding ring etc----
Is that wrong in your opinion? I have never questioned our marriage until now.
"Reason I ask is I am trying to understand if your wife is responding to legitimate threats to the relationship/marriage, or if she is simply a very insecure person."
One was benign and the other was possibly malicious or at least too determined.....
I made no excuse for the latter ex-contact I just said I wasn't interested in her motives as she was already put to rest.
When all you had to do was tell them you were happy they thought to contact you but that you are married now and won't be able to maintain contact with them. Not her solution. Not your solution either but honors your wife, and she would have been satisfied.
Your reply was so intense I wanted to reply that well I did exactly that. My exact words were. "As I am married certain chapters of my life must remain closed. Please refrain from any further contact." Very direct, but not hostile.
And thanks for all the input folks- and such a wide array of opinions my goodness-.
I will try my solution first and then if not I will suggest the therapy thing but she'd go into auto-defense mode and I would hate to be that therapist. (But that could be entertaining I suppose)
Your reply was so intense I wanted to reply that well I did exactly that. My exact words were. "As I am married certain chapters of my life must remain closed. Please refrain from any further contact." Very direct, but not hostile.
Don't worry about her. Her thing is to attack the person posting the message. Pay her no mind.
Marriage is becoming unstable 
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT 
