I am new to this forum. I have been lurking around reading. Quick Explanation..I am married now for going on 4 years been together going on 8. We met the senior year of my high school and have been together through my college and starting my business.
In the last year My wife and I have felt disconnected and distant emotionally and Physically. The last three weeks have been the hardest three weeks I have ever been through. My wife stopped looking at me, kissing me, embracing me, and started to ask for space. She then began filling her every moment w/college work, her Dive Master, and regular work. Leaving no time for me and spending all her extra time with friends/ this new guy, she also removed her wedding rings about a month and a half ago. We have started to talk a little until this weekend when her friend told her about a one night stand I had with her. So she no longer wants to talk to me((understandable) and I am hurting and trying to figure out how to heal the situation. I have already apologized and admitted to the indiscretion. Now I am waiting on her decision. In the Mean Time I wrote this letter(sorry it is long but I had to share it with someone.
I've been sitting here these past few days reflecting on everything that has happened and thinking about the future. I needed to write you this letter not because I think you want to hear this but because I needed to say this.
First off, I can't apologize to you enough for what I have done. My actions were Deceitful, shameful, ignorant, hurtful and most of all Selfish. I hurt you in a way that I never imagined would be possible to hurt you. Because of that I can't begin to grasp what you are feeling. Inside myself I feel ashamed disappointed and confused as to how I can take something that I cherish so much, someone who I wake every day to knowing that they love me and would do anything for me, someone who is so strong and so solid, someone who has the heart of an angel and do this to them.
My actions are inexcusable and I can't fathom that forgiving me is going to be an easy task. It is going to be a long bumpy road to get our marriage and our friendship back on stable ground.
I know that things will never be the same. There will always be that doubt and lack of trust that we will have to work through. But I truely believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that our love and passion for each other is strong enough to persevere.
I am willing to do what ever it takes to heal this. I can promise to you now that this will NEVER happen again. That my heart and soul belong to you.
My actions reflect that of someone who doesn't care about anyone or anything but them selves. I know that and for that reason I am deeply remorseful and sorry. That is not who I am or at least not who I want to be.
You said to me that I have to be happy and content in myself before I can do so in a relationship. I know and realize that. I am working on that internally. Happiness to me comes from knowing I am doing something I love and giving it my all. Happiness also means being able to come home and despite anything that is happening that day being able to be with you and talk or hangout or even just being able to open up to you and know that you are listening. Happiness to me was also going out with our mutual friends and doing something that we enjoy like, fishing, camping, playing pool, or even just hanging around and BSing. Thats what makes me happy Baby is being excepted for who I am and not for who people want me to be.
I lost track of that. I got into Drinking and Drinking Heavily. To a point where I couldn't really control it. I can't count the number of times where I have gone out for a few drinks and ended up not knowing what happened that night or how I got home. I guess I did this because it made me feel excepted amongst my peers. It made me ignore the fact that I had to grow up. While I was busy partying you were busy struggling to hold us together. By doing so I took away from you, us, and our happiness as a couple and individually. The more I realized that the more I buried my self in that world. Eventually I became so surrounded by what I created that I couldn't stop it.
I am tired baby emotionally and physically. I will not and can not with what I created and expect you to stand there silently through it all. Thats not fair to you. I'm drained baby and I don't know who I am becoming. This once confident, strong, outspoken person that I was is slipping away from me.
I need to reestablish myself. I need to bring back what "I" want to be. I need to shed these things or these Vices that are preventing me, preventing us to grow together. I made a step toward that already. I contacted someone in regards to AA meetings to help my drinking (which I believe to be the root of the problems) I need to get this undercontrol so I can have a solid base to stand on.
You put aside the things that you wanted to do in life these past few years to try to give me what I wanted, and when you finally Started to reach toward your goals and started to become who you wanted and needed to be you were met with resistance from me. Mainly because I was afraid of change and caught up in this wonderland that I created to ignore the stresses and responsibilities that I have.
For me to do that was wrong and unfair to you. I am sorry that I have been so caught up and oblivious that I was not able to see the signs of where our marriage and companionship was going.
I am not trying to play down what I did it was despicable and vile for me to take advantage of your trust like that. I am hurting beyond what words can describe for what I have done to you. I know that this pain will not go away easily and the effects of what I have done will last forever.
What I can hope for is some sort of Reconciliation or forgiveness so that we can rebuild our marriage. I can only see that possible if we both work at it. Your end will undoubtedly be harder and take longer. I can assure you that I will not slip-up again and that I will be more understanding . All that I can ask for is you to see beyond my shortcomings and help me work toward making this relationship work.
As tired and confused as I am i'm not willing to give up on you. Your my wife and from the moment I feel in love with you I knew that you were my soulmate and that we were meant to be together. The times that we have shared and the memories that we have made will be with me for all eternity, but that is not enough I want to build more.
I feel so guilty for what I have done, and I will use that guilt as a seatbelt for my soul to remember never to hurt you like this again. I know that these words that I am telling you, although sincere and pulled from my heart, will not prove anything other then I am sorry and remorseful and hurting for what I did to you. The only way to prove this my actions, my actions toward you, my actions around you, and my actions in your absence.
My heart bleeds for you baby and I love you with everything I have and everything I can give. Please take me back, Please forgive me, please allow me into your life as not only your friend but your husband again.
I love you always and forever and I long for the day that I can hold you in my arms again, as far away as that may be....
I love you.
This is what I have written not only to win her back but as an attempt to let her understand what I am feeling. I plan to read this to her Face to Face when she is able to speak with me.
You say many sorry(s) but do not explain how they will be fixed in the future other then you are working on yourself (which is important). With all your self loathing you are also missing the fact she is having an emotional affair with this other guy thanks to the disconnect she has with you.
Winning her back isn't the best way to say it because anyone caught will say they are sorry and will change. Few do. Your actions will be important. Drop drinking. Go to AA, seek counciling, and live a transparent life.
In the last year My wife and I have felt disconnected and distant emotionally and Physically.
This is most likely why her EA started. He is probably filling these emotional voids that you should be filling for one another.
Regarding your own indiscretion, was this a one time thing or have you had others? How long ago did this happen? Since she did not hear it from you, she will have major trust issues going forward. Why do you think her friend told her about it now?
When you start talking, be prepared to be very open and honest with her and be prepared to give consistent (honest) answers because if she's willing to work on your marriage at some point, she will probably need to know your stories match.
I agree with the above post. You say alot of words but your actions will speak louder. I say it all the time, only you can change you if it takes AA, councelors, therapist, and spiritual advisors to get you off on the right track do it. She is the only one that can stop her EA if she wants to, and she can decide to come back to you in all ways if she wants to. But I would work on you first. If this marriage doesn't last you will be able to go into another relationship someday with a better plan.
This thing with that girl was a one night thing..I didn't sleep with her but everything short of that happened....I have not slept with any other women since I have been married to my wife. This happened about a Year and Half ago...
As for why it happened was at another time she was not physical with me and I strayed...I can't offer any excuses for it.
Why the girl told her, one it was one of her friends, other then that she said the guilt was overwhelming to her.....and that I was a piece of **** for letting it happen. I think it was due to Me and turning her brother in for grand theft, armed robbery, and Counterfeit money charges.(different story)(involved drinking though).
My wife I don't think has spoken with the girl since(its only been three days.) I am working on my issues before I can step forward and try to solve the issues with our Marriage..I know thats first.
As for her EA that Stems from her changing and my resisting, but it also was caused by her not opening up to me in this last year. She became locked in her own world despite my actions to be with her.
It sucks that these two situations as different as they are, ended up be inner twined together....
They may be totally separate issues, but the common thread is that you are seeking a void to be filled that isn't being filled within the marriage, whether physical or emotional.
If your resistance and drinking have driven her to seek support elsewhere I would think your top priority should be to deal with the drinking and when you are able to speak to her about everything focus on her void (you not being there for her emotionally if that is the case) and what you will do going forward if given the chance. This will take a lot of time. She was already distant and finding out about your indiscretion may be the nail in the coffin. I think you need to take it slow and be very understanding of where she is emotionally & forget the goal of 'winning her back' but instead focus on mending her heart.