BellyNoodle

Hi everyone I'm here looking for advise because I am just so confused right now. To start with I am married and have 4 kids. My family was suppose to move to OK in 2 weeks and about a week ago my husband decided that he wasnt happy and needed some time away from me.

Now I am taking the kids to OK with my mom and he is staying behind in NY. Originally it was just for three months and then he was def coming out to be with us. Then he said that he is taking that time to see if he can be happy without me. He doesnt want a divorce yet and we are technically still together.

He says he loves me and doesnt want to be without me but is so unhappy he needs to do this. He just keeps changing his mind about everything. He told me even if we get divorced he will move to OK to be with the kids cause he cant be without them. Then he said he didnt know if he would move to be with them. Plus if he stays here he would only be able to see them once every three month.

I love him so much but Im so confused with the way he can change his mind so flippantly. I'm considering a divorce myself at this point. I just dont know what to do. One min he loves me and is loving the next min he is moving his stuff out to his new apartment with his buddy like nothing is happening.

Just for a history he has left to figure himself out after each of out last 3 kids where born. Im terrified to raise these kids on my own and more so that he wont be there for his family. Im getting a mix of you should divorce him cause he is treating us so bad and dont worry you know he will miss you and come back. Just though I would try to get some advise from people not in the middle of it all, or from anyone who has ever dealt with this in their marraige. Thanks

GoDucks

Wow... So first, I'll encourage you that you must be doing a great job of being strong for your kids -- what you're dealing with sounds tough, and it seems you have the courage that your husband doesn't.

That said, maybe that's the issue... Does he have a high priority in your life? You said he took time away after all EXCEPT your first child, right? I know my H had a hard time after #2 was born (we only had 2)... And, it's because he felt he went "down" my priority list. So, maybe he's feeling an extended version of that -- only now, he's #5 on your list... And, you're so strong you don't really need him.

Do you go on dates? Do you vent to him about stuff he can help you solve as a team?

... I'm just brainstorming here... These ideas don't get him to get back in the house... I don't know what to say about that part. But, clearly there are issues with him not feeling a part of the family, or feeling disposable or something.

HoldinOnTight

Much hugs for you. I am dealing with my husband finding his happiness too. It is TOUGH! I moved from MD to CO to be closer to family. But still I find it VERY selfish that he would do this to the KIDS. Like once you have kids you lose that selfishness (maybe a woman thing?) At any rate I hope people offer some advice for you as I am in the same boat.

Susan2010

I think you should first ask him if he would be willing to attend marriage counseling with you. If he says yes, then tell him he has to come to OK with you and the kids right now. Obviously, you can't attend marriage counseling if you are 1200 some odd miles apart, so don't accept "I will join you later" for an answer. He should be afforded opportunity to work on the marriage and address his grievances and unhappiness, but no patience for abandoning his family like this.

If he says no, then file for divorce immediately upon arriving in OK. You and the children deserve financial support and not just to rely on his fickle promises.

BellyNoodle

If Im being honest I may not make him a priority enough. I never do it on purpose but having four kids is alot of work and a lot of stress. At the end of the day I'm tired. He has told me that he feels like I dont want to spend time with him. The funny thing is that I feel the same way about him. Instead of spending time with us as a family he will spend his time napping and hanging out with his friends.

We dont go on dates often but I do put the kids to bed at 7 so that we have time alone. Again if he is there he will lie on my lap and pass out.

He is a very insecure parent. He gets really stressed out and often doesnt know how to deal with them. Im in no way blaming the kids cause I feel he should try more and that obviously I should try harder to to make time for us to go out. Its hard to find a sitter for 4 children though.

He also has a hard time telling me when he is feeling like im not there for him til it reaches this point. Instead he bad mouths me to people he works with.

He says I want him to go to OK but if things dont work out then he has nothing. This hurts because he has his kids. Plus he has no family here except his mother who only talks to him every 8 months or so. This leaves me feeling like he would rather be here with his friends that hes had for 3-4 months then to give us a shot and be with his kids. Besides that my family has been his family for the past 10 years.

He has been very close to my brother so if he went with us he would have my family. Even if things didnt work out he would. On the other hand my brother has become very upset because of him deserting the kids.

The last time he did this he begged to come home because i was afraid of letting him come back. So didnt he already take the time to see if he was happy without us? I know that in the long run he will miss us but how long should I wait and should I even bother if he is trying to see if he can be happy without me