Cru J

Hello,

I'm new to this forum. Like most people probably, I've come here b/c my marriage seems to be over, and I feel like my life is falling apart, and I guess I just needed to reach out, b/c family and friends would be shocked to know what's going on....I don't even believe it....

About two weeks ago, my wife of six years, whom I've been with for eleven years, and with whom I have two wonderul and adorable kids around 5 and 2 years old, told me that while I'm a wonderful father and that she loves me "deeply", she was not in love with me anymore. She has no feelings for me.....She says we can go to counseling if I want to, and that we "have to try", but she kind of says it robotically.....

I knew there were some issues, but NOTHING this bad.....It really has thrown me completely off. The way it just came out so suddenly (to me) and how resigned she seems. I find it difficult to work, I cry around my kids some times. And my wife refuses to talk about it.....She says she is tired and, after trying for so long, she is just so tired. She tells me how work is so busy these days, that she just wants to relax.

Will couples therapy actually have a chance to work? Can her feelings change? Can I make myself better for her and for me? Can this relationship recover from what she said???

She says that she wants to try, but that she's not sure, and then she spends a long, long time talking about how she hopes will remain cordial for the kids.

I am so confused.

Thanks for reading.

turnera

She is cheating, either emotionally or physically.

Women her age don't just break up marriages unless someone else is giving her hope that he will replace you.

Install a keylogger on her computer and check her phone records to see who she is contacting nonstop. You'll find one name or number.

Cru J

Geesh........I don't know you and what your views usually are (I haven't spent enough time on the forum), but I see you have a lot of posts, so, I suppose you have valued views on this forum.

She's 32, I'm 35. I asked her fairly early on if she's met someone, and she says definitely no. I asked her again the other day, and she said no. I believe her.

I've asked her what she wants, and she says that while we raise the kids well and they are doing great, she knows some day they will be older and then we'll be left the two of us. And that we'll have nothing in common then, and that life is long and that she needs to be happy.

turnera

Of course she says no. Do you think she's going to tell you the truth? She is now addicted to the thrill she's getting from another man, and telling you the truth would mean she'd have to give up that 'high' she gets from sneaking around with him, either virtually or physically.

Look up infidelity. Look up the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' phenomenon - also called the ILYBINILWY phenomenon. It happens SO OFTEN with people in affairs that it is practically science; it is, in fact, written in book after book after book. It translates to "I love you but I want to keep seeing OM so I'm going to not tell you the truth and let you think we've just fallen out of love; that way, I get to keep seeing OM and I don't have to admit any adultery to you."

fwiw, at this point, you have a fair chance of stopping the affair and fixing your marriage so she's more in love with you than ever.

But it will never happen while the OM is in the picture because she's getting her 'heroin fix' from him, and once she's in it, it trumps everything.

Like I said, snoop and look for one number, over and over. That will be who she's met.

Cru J

I don't know.....I find it hard to believe that a mother of two darling kids, the person I love, would be actively cheating....And, if she were passively/emotionally cheating, I don't see how someone could throw away 11 years, 2 kids, a future, "just like that". I could see her complaining about the marriage, but saying that our couple is "dead"? And not wanting our kids to have two parents? I think it goes deeper.....

She says we can do therapy if I want to, and she acknowledges this will take some time.....If she's running to another man, I don't see why she'd be doing this.

She's not a monster.

Therealbrighteyes

Cru,
Turnera might have been a bit blunt. Her posts are always to the point so don't take offense to her. She does however usually nail it. The I love you but not in love with you is textbook emotional or physical affair from both women and men. The idea behind it is "this other person makes me feel so great about myself" the "high" if you will that they assume that is love. Kind of that rush when you first start to date someone you care about. They assume that since that "high" no longer exists in their marriage that they are not "in love" anymore. Nothing could be further from the truth though. Love has so many stages and it is only the beginning stage that is the high. A person engaged in an affair doesn't realize this though so they come home one day and make their proclamation. It is entirely possible that no affair is going on and something else is happening. Depression, hormones. Lot's of possibilities but I will be real honest here, Turnera is more than likely right.
You ask how could a mother of 2 adorable children cheat? I ask my sister in law that question often. She is the mother of a 6 and 4 year old and is actively having an online affair that has spanned 2 years now. My brother in law is aware of it and has done just about everything to get her to end it. It is really heartbreaking and cruel. I have zero respect for her now.
Please listen to Turnera about keylogger or a VAR (voice activated recorder) for her car. I know this all sounds a bit far fetched and hopefully we are WAY off but please protect yourself and start sleuthing. I want to be wrong about this but being on this forum and others you see that declaration all the time. There is almost always somebody else in the picture.

cmf

I have to agree with turnera and brennan. I have been separated for 7 months and the same thing happened to me too. 11 years married, 2 kids, didn't see it coming. First thing I asked was about an affair. He denied over and over. He agreed to see a marriage therapist- we went 4 times, a complete waste. He argued that he just couldn't try to work it out and had lost all feelings for me. He then said awful things to me for months and re-wrote our entire history together. He also refused to see that him leaving had any effect on our young children. After 4 months I discovered the affair- from my 9 year old! He denies it to this day. I wish I had discovered it sooner. There is good advice here about what to do next.

questions

Hi Cru,
I might be a minority or exception here, but I came to this site a month ago for the exact same reason that your wife is claiming to you. I've never cheated on my H and never had any affairs, period. I have a 3-year old DD who means the world to me and whom I would never harm with my own actions. I came here because I was disillusioned about my marriage. My H never cheated to my understanding, and I didn't harbor any resentment toward him. I had so wanted to be in love with my H but I didn't succeed, and after 8 years of marriage, I had given up hopes that I would ever be. Like your W, I honestly wanted to find someone with whom I would be more compatible and be in love.

I'm not sure what your wife's thinking or feeling. Other people here could be right, and she could be having an affair. On the other hand, she could be like myself, just seeking to be happy but not necessarily having an affair. Either case simply indicates to me that she's not happy in her current relationship.

In my own case, I found the inspiration that I needed to turn my own relationship around, and I am happy to report that I'm in love with my H for the first time, finally. The good news is that it could happen, but as you know everyone is different... My husband didn't do anything. He stayed exactly the way he has always been, and I just changed the way I perceived him. It was very important to me to be able to have the open communications with my H throughout this period. It's when I stopped communicating my feelings, needs, etc, that I lost all my feelings toward him. Even though I sometimes refuse to accept, I also know that there are no perfect men out there, and all relationships are what we put into.

The only thing you can do now is giving her safety, room and space to honestly and openly discuss her feelings and thoughts. It's much easier said than done. It will be very hard not to get defensive, take things personally, or become angry when you listen. However, that might be the only way to help her and yourself find out what's really going on and how you can help. She must have taken many years to get where she is now and be totally disillusioned by now, but anything is possible at a given moment. I really hope that you can stay strong and calm. You can choose to focus on building your inner strength rather than things you can't control, such as what she might be feeling or doing now.

I sincerely wish you the best and will send you my prayers!

Therealbrighteyes

Questions,
You bring up a great point. Certainly she could just be missing a piece of her marriage and a connection and that is making her unhappy. I really hope that is the case (sorry if that sounds odd). We are talking that or an affair. I believe that if two people get married who were never compatible it is plausible that she could come home one day and say what she did. Perhaps it is depression and she is not happy with herself and therefore projecting that on her husband. (i.e. I don't love you anymore because I don't love me anymore). That is fixable. Very fixable. Sadly though, I have heard it too many times on this board and others that usually the "I love but not in love with you" wording is because they have somebody else. Not all, most most of the time.
Not to t/j but can I ask you a question, Questions: why did you marry your husband if you weren't in love with him? Not judging it just struck me as being odd. Kuddos on getting your marriage back on track!

cody5

She's not having an affair, and Tunera's wrong more than she's right.

Google "walkaway wife syndrome". It's Oprah level pop psychology, but it'll be an eye opener.

She's not coming back. They never do. I know. I'm there right now.

Therealbrighteyes

T/J.....
Cody,
I have read so many of your posts and I feel your pain. I really do. You deserve so, so much better.
I do respectfully disagree with you on this though. Yes, walkaway wife syndrome is real but they have only been married for 6 years. That seems a tad too soon to be walking away. Isn't it normally at 15- 20 years? Not sure. The whole ILYBNILWY smacks of an affair. Again, as I posted it could be depression, hormones, you name it. I hope that is what it is and not an affair.
Lastly, why the anger towards Tunera? She speaks her mind and at least for me, puts things in to perspective. From what I have read she has also been married for 30 + years. Her advice rings true with me. Why do you think she is wrong?

turnera

The point is, this is like trying to pay your water bill when they're about to repossess your home. If you don't know the bill collector's coming, you're wasting your money paying the water bill.

All I am saying is to spend a couple weeks checking out if there's an affair. After two weeks, if you see nothing suspicious, stop snooping and then focus on what you can fix in your marriage.

If there IS an affair, any work you do to fix your marriage is a total waste of time. Read Surviving an Affair and you'll understand how your wife COULD do this.

I hope she's not. But I also don't want you spinning your wheels if she is, because time is of the essence.

questions

Brenan,
I am sure that I had been in love with my H at one time but lost that feeling a while back so I no longer remembered. It's the small things in life that get piled up over time, such as misunderstandings, feeling disconnected, small fights, feeling of hurt, etc, and hearts hardening in self-defense subconsciously . In my case, I think that the barrier went up fairly early on in my relationship, but since I didn't do it on conscious level, I just didn't know. Since I felt misunderstood and disconnected, I didn't share what was going inside me with my H, and I can really related to having NO feelings left (i.e. no anger, no resentment, no love, etc). After my conscious level willingness and commitment to love him (after being inspired by someone here), my feelings followed. People don't give themselves much credit, but I think that we all have far more power to manifest our own realities than we realize.

It's my little hope that some people also find a reason for hope, peace and resolve to remain positive. Wishing best for all!

Therealbrighteyes

T/J.....
Questions,
Your post is wonderful and it is fantastic to hear that you are working on your marriage. :-)

Cru J

Thank you all so much for your words of support and advice to a complete stranger like me. Thank you, "questions", in particular, for bringing another perspective on this, only because I'm not ready to get all FBI/CIA on my wife. I trust her. I love her. We are together every evening at home or at her parents or out at our increasingly rare "dates"....I just don't see how she could be cheating. And, well, even if she were, that wouldn't be so different from what she said, about us having a "dead couple" and that she doesn't have feelings for me at this time.....Would her cheating be that different? No, not to me, it's over either way. And emotional cheating isn't "cheating" to me, if she still wants to try and save our couple.

I am planning on seeing someone in conjunction with the marriage therapist, as there are clearly things I have to work on, too, to be a better person and husband (be it with my wife or someone else some day....).

I am still young at 35. Yes, I have been in the same relationship for 11 years (6 years of marriage), but, I don't think that makes me "tainted goods" to other wonderful women. It only takes one (or, I guess, sometimes two, LOL!). I deserve as much happiness as my wife. I just hope with every atom of my being that our happiness will be from being together. Not for the kids, for us.

Feeling that she has slipped away right under my nose without me noticing is just so hard to process, to understand, to come to grips with, but, I have to, both for me and for us.

It's very hard not to want to go too fast....To buy flowers, to make date plans, to be charming.....I just don't want to come off as fake. I should have been doing this all along.

Anyway, thank you for reading and commenting.....I don't have others to talk to. It just feels to "personal" and raw to talk to my parents, sister or friends.....Especially if we figure things out and stay together.........