doing the right thing sometimes hurts

confusedinmo · 06-04-2008, 08:44 PM

hi, I shared on this forum some time ago about my infidelity to the man I've been married to for seven years, and how I felt like I wasn't in love with him anymore. I was, and still do, feel terribly guilty, because I cheated more than once over a two year period with another man (a work acquaintance). At times during my infidelity, I did at least think in my own mind that I loved this man that I was with. He took care of me when I was away on trips, and that made me feel good. Anyway, I shared this confession with the group along with the resolution that I was not going to continue the relationship, that I was ending it, because I do love my husband. He is my best friend, and I am committed to trying to make it work. However, that has not diluted my feelings for this other person. I've been trying to work up the guts to cut completely my relationship with this other guy and as of yesterday I did it. Now, I feel horrible. I know it was the right thing to do, because I'll never be able to focus on my husband to salvage my marriage if there are any ties to this man. Still, I can tell by his reaction that I've hurt him, and I feel even more guilty. Nothing good has come from this relationship...I've betrayed my husband, I've disrespected myself and I've hurt a person whom I have also grown to care for and who I believe cares for me (however wrong the relationship was) I've lost a friend, and I don't have many to lose. I thought doing this would some how make me feel better, and help provide some relief of guilt, but it has only made me feel worse. Are there any words of encouragement? Are there any measures of grace for someone like me?

happilymarried67 · 06-04-2008, 08:59 PM

I am very proud of your commitment to your husband. Breaking off the other relationship must be killing you inside but you have to think of the long term goal here of growing old with your husband and salvaging a beautiful relationship. When you feel lonely, focus that loneliness on loving your husband and feeling what is good with the two of you. I know it was a very hard decision for you and you need to feel good inside that you made the right one. I hope you realize what a big step you took in making your marriage work. I hope you are talking to your husband and being open with him and I hope he realizes what a big step you took today. Be proud of yourself, you deserve it. Keep focused on the end goal here and chat with us on-line when you need to.

draconis · 06-04-2008, 11:25 PM

I personally think of you as a better person. Often if you ask someone going to AA in their first year how they feel is nothing but worse but over time they see the positive change and how others look at their strength to really give it a try to move forward. In the end you will know you gave it your all instead of the what if's. How much more hurt could have happened if you didn't go this road?

draconis

Amplexor · 06-05-2008, 06:38 AM

You are doing the right thing by ending it. Yes you have lost a friend and hurt him but it was a relationship that should not have been entered into in the first place. It will be difficult, you are right, doing the right thing often is but you will be a better person for it in the end. You will be proud that you had the strength to do this and recommit to your marriage. It will take time but it will get better. Day one and counting. Good luck.

proflex97 · 06-15-2008, 05:33 AM

Let me tell you I was the male side of your relationship and yes it hurts when it stops. Like others here have said it just takes time for the pain to go away. It is like any breakup.

But you do have the opportunity to figure out what this other person gave you that your husband does not do. Then you can have the best of both worlds the passion with your spouse.

Oh and DON'T worry or think about the other person. It will only drive you crazy, trust me on this. Instead concentrate on who you have not who you let go.

Russell · 06-16-2008, 05:58 PM

You did the right thing. But if you truely feel this bad about it, the guilt is eatting you up.... and you have to tell your husband. It will consume you otherwise.

dbj1971 · 06-19-2008, 08:25 AM

Hi, confusedinmo.

Good for you on doing the right thing!! (Even though right now you probably feel torn up inside).

This is a classic reason why no one should ever enter affairs, because no matter how it ends, at least one, and likely three or more (if children are involved) people end up getting severely hurt.

Think about this, though. You know how terrible and hurt you feel right now? A betrayed spouse feels at least that bad and even worse.

I promise you that if you focus on your marriage, on your spouse, and work on your marriage (something had to go wrong in the first place for you to want to stray), trying to fix with your husband what was wrong and make your marriage better, the bad feelings will get less and less, and good feelings will start to replace them until, eventually, of all things, you'll be......HAPPY!!!

There is another good site that deals with many marriage issues, including what they call a "withdrawal," which is the confused or bad feelings you're still left with when you sever the tie with the other man or woman. It's "marriagebuilders.com." I encourage you to check it out.

You may have thoughts like, "Oh no, I burned that bridge now I hope works out with my husband." However, turn those negative thoughts into positive ones, like "As hard as it was, I broke ties with the other man, now I can fully focus on my husband and work on my marriage."

Don't give in to the temptation to contact the other man again. The best advice I can give is to never, never, contact him again for any reason. This is radical, but the only (ONLY) way you can be free for good and not be tempted to fall back. In fact, on the site I told you about, they go so far as to say, quit your job or move if that's what it takes to be away from that person (ie, if the other man works with you or is a neighbor).

Best wishes. Again, you definitely made the right choice.

Think about this, when people first meet, they put their "best foot forward," usually. They keep their bad habits and annoying tendencies under wraps for awhile. So, you don't see the "real them" necessarily and it's easy to make unfavorable comparisons between them and your spouse. Sooner or later, you realize that the other person has their own set of hangups and annoying things that get ever harder to overlook when the varnish of the novelty of it all wears off. It's all built on lies anyway. What you have with a spouse is real.

One more thing, and this goes for you and all of us... remember, if someone will do something WITH you, they'll do it TO you. The man or woman who is adulterous with another man's wife or husband can just as likely eventually cheat on the man or wife also. After all, they're not the cream of the relationship crop to begin with, to willfully help a straying wife or husband betray his or her spouse. This principle applies to other situations too. Such as, if I'm around someone who's trying to gossip to me, it just makes me wonder what they're saying about me when I'M not around.

David in MO

proflex97 · 07-20-2008, 08:22 PM

confusedinmo I would stay away from marriagebuilders for now. As what they consider a wayward you will get ZERO support for what you are going through. The concepts at marriagebuilders are solid ones but until you finish withdrawals stay away from that site, you will only receive a lot of grief for the decisions you have already committed and stopped.