General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hi,
I'm new to this site. I need some advice. I'm nearing the end of my tethers. Here's the issue:
My boyfriend of 5 years is Roman Catholic while I have been brought up a Hindu. I'm not very religious but I subscribe to the basic tenets of Hinduism. He is much more devout, as is his family. Very early on in our relationship he spoke to me about having to convert to Christianity if we were to marry because his parents would be opposed to a non-Christian. He personally did not care either ways. I never agreed but pressurized him to try to convince his parents because I knew my parents would be hurt if I converted. Anyways, since I'm not religious, I'd be a lousy Christian.
The religious talks had died down and I was led to believe that his folks had accepted the issue. Now that we are seriously discussing marriage, his parents have reignited the issue and it is putting a severe strain on things. He now wants to split because he doesn't want to go against his parents and he knows if I convert just for the sake of the marriage (I'm considering it but haven't decided on it), I might be bitter about it all my life. I do not want to end the relationship but I wonder if that's the only way out. My parents are ok with it if I am but they're upset that his folks had apparently agreed but are bringing it up at the last minute. There is a lot of mistrust all around. Please help.
If he doesn't care either way, it sounds like he's not serious about catholicism. The christian bible is quite clear that marrying someone who has different religious beliefs to christianity will cause problems in the marriage (or any marriage with partners committed to different faiths). So if he's not concerned about the biblical perspective on that, then he's probably not committed to the faith.
If he's not committed, then his parents should already know. Unless he's been playing the game for years, pretending he's a catholic in front of them. If so, it may be time to lay the cards on the table and tell them, rather than always trying to conform to what they want.
I think that would make it easier in the long run if you're both straight up with his parents, rather than pretending to convert just to please them. And especially if you have no conviction to join the catholic (or christian) faith.
Bluefire, thanks for your response. I'm not sure I'll agree that he's not serious about his faith. He has a philosophical outlook towards Christianity and not a literal, even Biblical reading of every aspect of life. He loves his religion but he loves me too and would not want to make me unhappy by imposing his own religious beliefs. His parents, however, do not mind imposing their beliefs. I personally feel that faith is a matter of choice and beliefs cannot be imposed. Which is why I'm having trouble with the whole thing. I'm sure you'll find countless Christians married to people of different faiths because they're not dogmatic about their religion.
When I married my wife, I was a hardcore atheist. She is a Christian. After years of religious debates and me being a typical cynical atheist, she started to question her religion.
It caused MAJOR issues with her mother that I was not Christian and it was hard for awhile. We almost split over it. Then recently I discovered Buddhism and realized I was never an atheist or agnostic, I was clearly Buddhist. Since soul searching heavily I realized it doesn't matter what anyone else believes, we should all love each other and live in harmony and at peace. It REALLY makes sense to me.
With this new found knowledge, I have not had an issue with religion in a long time.
With your situation since becoming Catholic means nothing, a "convert" will mean nothing. You won't LOVE the religion and beliefs like he does which will cause just as many issues down the road. Sure his clearly backwards family will be appeased for the moment, but if he relies on their approval on THIS issue, what else can they tell him to do or not to do regarding your marriage?
It may be a problem for HIM, but the reality is this is a bigger problem for you. I'd explain the situation to him and his family. If they can't love and accept you for who you are, they aren't good Catholics anyway, since they should accept you regardless.
Religion can kill relationships if the people involved are closed minded. If you are open to the world and accepting, it just doesn't matter.
Though one thing that always threw a wrench in the cog for my wife and I was that she was told that her "Heaven" was basically whatever she loved and wanted in life. It was a special place of absolute perfectness. HOWEVER because I am not Christian I would not be there. She said I am the single most important part of that world. I have often suggested that any true God would accept me regardless, as she is a good person and a good Christian. But the truth is according to the Bible and pastors and priests, that doesn't happen. So the fundamental core of the entire system is whacky and she's been shaky on it for years.
His parents should not be calling the shots in your marriage. They've made their wishes known, and you can do with that what you will.
That said, you might be interested in learning about the Catholic faith and that may be enough for them. There are classes, called RCIA for anyone interested and do not require conversion. The director of Faith Formation at the parish in question could be a great resource to you in dealing with issues, as our is.
In any case, best and don't let anyone push you around. A love for Jesus cannot be forced and you need to be allowed the dignity of your own experience with Him. Tell them that, it might shut them up.
I am Catholic by birth but I don't practice my religion. My husband is an agnostic of Indian descent, incidently. We didn't have a Catholic wedding ceremony, but I know it is possible to get married in the church even when you do not convert. Your fiancee would have to obtain a special dispensation from his bishop (from what I heard, no biggie) and you sign a document that you agree to have your children raised in the faith.
Question is: is this insistence really about the religion, as in are your fiancee and his family just that conservative, or is it a question of having a traditional church wedding and raising future children in the faith?
You have to do what you feel comfortable with. If it doesn't matter to him, then he should have the courage to stand up to his parents and tell them so. He shouldn't expect (and doesn't seem to) you to do something this important if you really don't want to. One way he could put it to his parents is to try to explain to them that what they are demanding is pointless, that you are happy with your own religion and converting would be nothing more than a meaningless act. It wouldn't change your thoughts or beliefs, and so why would they want you to do that? It may not make any difference to their insistence, but it's worth a shot.
As others have said, there are options to help you learn about his faith, and there are things that can be done that can allow church weddings, as well as show his parents that you have no issue with their religion. I would not convert unless it is what you, and you alone, want to do. If you do it for someone else, it holds no meaning, and eventually you will find yourself thinking maybe you shouldn't have done it and resenting those that you feel (and in this case, rightfully so) pushed you to do it.
He now wants to split because he doesn't want to go against his parents
Religion is not the problem in your relationship. This isnt about you being catholic. this is about whether your bf actually loves you. He wants to leave you because his parents dont like you. That is a huge problem. He doesnt love you. It will not go away just because you become catholic. His parents will find something else they dont like about you and your bf will want you to change again. What if you do get married and they want you to raise your kids a certain way? Will your bf leave you if you dont comply? This is a big problem.
If he is serious about his faith and his parents sound like they are pretty devout; he was wrong to tell you that it didn't really matter to him. His parents are giving him a lot of heat and he is finding himself unable to oppose them further.
If it were me, I would take the other pressure off of him, cut him completely loose and let him figure out where his priorities are. He may not want to lose you, but he won;t know that until he is actually faced with it.
Religion is not the problem in your relationship. This isnt about you being catholic. this is about whether your bf actually loves you. He wants to leave you because his parents dont like you. That is a huge problem. He doesnt love you. It will not go away just because you become catholic. His parents will find something else they dont like about you and your bf will want you to change again. What if you do get married and they want you to raise your kids a certain way? Will your bf leave you if you dont comply? This is a big problem.
This is the problem right here, just as Blanca says.
You are allowing him to snow you on this issue, just like you allowed him to string you along for five years. His parents never consented to him marrying a non-catholic. He just told you that so he could still be with you for as long as you didn't figure him out, for as long as you would allow. Now he gets all the way down to five years later, and it's time for him to cut loose, so he chose this way to do it.
Do yourself a favor and don't allow your significant other to dictate the relationship for now on. For future relationships, set some standards for yourself. Two years is long enough for a person to know if they want to be married to the one they are with. So at the end of two years in your future relationships, evaluate the relationship and your feelings to determine if you want to be married to that person. But if they have not proposed marriage or are not at least talking about it, then let them go and move on. Re-evaluate the relationship for what it is, rather than what you spent that two years hoping it would be. If he doesn't want to get married or you don't want to be married to him, then don't allow him to use you and string you along any longer. Five years is ridiculous.
Five years is ridiculous, I agree. Whenever my husband and I hear, "...couple has been dating 4 years" or something similar, we look at one another and say, "Someone doesn't want to get married and the other one is getting strung along."
I understand that we are probably unusual, but we knew within days that we were supposed to be together. We married almost 3 years later, but would have married sooner if other issues had not postponed it (health.)
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I'm still not sure what to do but I'm veering towards not converting for the sake of the marriage and for the sake of the in-laws. I know I'll be resentful about it in the long run and it'll affect our relationship. On the flip-side my decision will mean being alone but I don't think that if I do something under duress there will be any meaning in it. It's all very difficult. I'm debating it still but I think I know the answer.
Lyn ans Susan2010, I know five years is a very long time but we were still figuring each other out and things didn't get serious till much later and to be fair to him he did say early on this would be an issue but later he said his parents had come around and he always maintained that it wasn't an issue for him. But now he says that he said that on the assumption that if it ever became an issue, I wouldn't mind converting. Well, I do so I guess we just shouldn't be together.
Hi satjoe, sorry for your situation and hopefully things improve for you. Since you are still undecided, you should consider the situation with your experience in mind. I feel every situation is different and cannot be lumped in as a generalized problem. While many of the above replies have asked you to move ahead, I will ask you to listen to what the inner you has to say. What has been your experience in this relationship of 5 years and how much of it do you want to relive again. While it is easy for people to suggest solutions, one does not know if they are either academically qualified or earthly experienced or writing because they are just bored. Every situation is unique. People who have not been a part of your experience cannot and will understand where you stand.
Listen to you heart and follow where it takes you. Figure out how much your bf loves you and more importantly how much you love him. If both of you do, other peripherals will not and should not divert you. Again, listen to the inner you and things will work out just fine.
Religion getting in the way of marriage 
