Need Advice

keasor · 06-10-2010, 10:05 AM

After 15 yrs of marriage, i recently found out my wife sleep with a porter on a cruise ship before we were married. as the story was told she went back to her room to shower he was there cleaning and she asked him to DO her. this bothers me so much that i am ready to leave her......................

I need some advice, please.

Eraz2010 · 06-10-2010, 10:21 AM

Oh dear. Sometimes it really isn't good to share everything with your spouse! The key thing here I suggest you look at is is the "before we were married" bit... as, basically, before you were mariied, well, you weren't married.

I don't doubt it was a horrible shock for you. And I am guessing it bothered her muchly too if she's now told you.

MANY people get noweher near 15 years of marriage, so sounds like there's something (or actually lots) there worth saving.

Talk some more.

Arrange a romantic dinner at home. Good food, good wine. Turn the phone off and light some candles and play some favorite music. Each of you should bring 5 fave stories from your 15 yrs of marriage "to the table"... you can support your 5 things with photos, other memorabilia and again even tunes etc.

Once you've done that it might help place the porter transgression more into overall perspective.

swedish · 06-10-2010, 10:23 AM

If this happened before you were married (I assume before you were exclusively dating?) why are you prepared to leave her over this? Did you ask her about her sexual history prior to marriage since this seems to be a show-stopper for you? If not, how did you find this out recently? Did she just offer it up or did you ask?

keasor · 06-10-2010, 10:29 AM

This all came out because after a years of having a problem, i went to a doctor and found that i had a STD, so we sat and talked about our past relations, i travel a lot (worldwide) sometimes for up to 6 weeks at a time, i guess i now have a trust issue. i think and believe if it happened once, it could happen again.

swedish · 06-10-2010, 10:36 AM

Sorry to hear that. But why the trust issue? It happened once *before marriage* ... HUGE difference in that marriage is a vow to commit to you only ... has she done anything during your marriage that would cause you concern regarding her fidelity?

keasor · 06-10-2010, 11:06 AM

I guess my biggest problem is,if i had known this before marrying her, that i would not have married her. i know this is wrong but i have strong feelings about that sort of behavior.

swedish · 06-10-2010, 12:18 PM

That sounds as though this is more of a moral issue for you than a trust issue, if that is the case. I believe most people have things from their past they are not proud of or wish they had handled differently, but what should really matter is whether a life lesson was learned...it is very possible in your wife's case she did not feel great about the encounter in the days to follow and never had a one night stand since.

Has she shown high moral character since she's been with you?

Kobo · 06-10-2010, 01:20 PM

It hurts because every man wants to believe that their wife wasn't "that girl". The sad case is "that girl" eventually gets married.

cb45 · 06-10-2010, 02:47 PM

sometimes/often gets marr'd...yes.

i'd say u have alot to talk about 1st. u have to see what
else she may have to add, and y shes telling u now.

whats her motivation(s)? u may not like what u hear from
her then again u may both grow from experience.

i understand, as a man, how u feel. yet to heal yerself
forgiveness is key, no matter what u decide to do.

fill us in w/ more if theres something we're not "getting."

_____________________________cb45

thetruth · 06-10-2010, 02:52 PM

you cant drag things from the past into your current relationship, leave what happened 15 years ago where it belongs, in the past...

now as to contracting an STD, am I right to I assume that you've been faithful so it must have been on her end? I'd be far more concerned about that and who she might be sleeping with now vs. who she did in the long ago past