How important is attraction?
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Old 11-15-2013, 03:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How important is attraction?

In a reconciliation attempt? A friend of mine (yes, really) divorced her alcoholic husband a few years ago. They have children together so they see each other frequently. In the last year, he's made some good strides at recovery and getting back into their lives. It's been very difficult for her over the last few years basically being a single parent because he wasn't really involved in the actual "parenting". She says she still loves him but doesn't really feel much attraction for him.

He's been talking about possibly reconciling and she's not opposed to the idea because it would be the best overall for the kids. Is it possible for a reconciliation to work if one partner isn't really that attracted to the other? She's said their sex life was never all that great to begin with and she had a brief thing with another man where she said she finally found out what she'd been missing. So I assume that means the sex was good.

I'm concerned that she may be making a mistake. Is she just setting herself up for disappointment later?
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Old 11-15-2013, 03:07 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

Alcoholism is unfortunately fairly common, I've seen a fair amount of it and how it affects couples in my time.
It could be that W drove H to drink, or H's drinking drove W away, I've seen it go both ways.
I honestly don't know enough to offer an opinion, I've seen as many stay sober as I have seen fall off the wagon again.
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Old 11-15-2013, 03:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

As my therapist said, attraction is when the rocks in my head fit the holes in yours.
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Old 11-15-2013, 03:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

I know she didnt push him to drink I'm just wondering how important the attraction point is. If she loves him but isn't that attracted to him, does it stand a chance of working?
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Old 11-15-2013, 03:44 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

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If she loves him but isn't that attracted to him, does it stand a chance of working?
No
Unless she does not have sexual desire.
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Old 11-15-2013, 03:49 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

I'm guessing she loves him "like a brother"... My guess is it's a recipe for disaster. Someone's going to cheat, and the kids will get all torn up again.

Just my $0.02.

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Old 11-15-2013, 04:09 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

If she isn't attracted to him reconciliation isn't fair to him or her. Just read the posts of the broken men that realize they've spent a decade or more with a women who was never really attracted to them. I think this type of "arrangement" ultimately damages both individuals.
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Old 11-15-2013, 09:32 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

Those have been my thoughts as well.
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Old 11-16-2013, 12:41 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

Her loss of attraction may be directly related to his alcoholism - if he truly has turned that around, he may be more engaged with both parenting and in the bedroom. The key here, IMHO, would be to tread carefully, slowly and make sure he has really changed before letting the kids know there is a shot of reconciliation.
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Old 11-16-2013, 01:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

She said he was a good parent before the alcohol but the bedroom has always been lacking due to an issue he has (PE). Personally, I don't think it's possible once it's that far gone.
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Old 11-21-2013, 11:05 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

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Originally Posted by ne9907 View Post
No
Unless she does not have sexual desire.
No
Unless neither has sexual desire

Getting back together just for the kids is almost certainly a mistake. She may think it will work for the wrong reasons, he may have sexual/affection expectations she doesn't want to accomodate.
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Old 11-21-2013, 05:24 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

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Originally Posted by whattodoskidoo View Post
In a reconciliation attempt? A friend of mine (yes, really) divorced her alcoholic husband a few years ago. They have children together so they see each other frequently. In the last year, he's made some good strides at recovery and getting back into their lives. It's been very difficult for her over the last few years basically being a single parent because he wasn't really involved in the actual "parenting". She says she still loves him but doesn't really feel much attraction for him.

He's been talking about possibly reconciling and she's not opposed to the idea because it would be the best overall for the kids. Is it possible for a reconciliation to work if one partner isn't really that attracted to the other? She's said their sex life was never all that great to begin with and she had a brief thing with another man where she said she finally found out what she'd been missing. So I assume that means the sex was good.

I'm concerned that she may be making a mistake. Is she just setting herself up for disappointment later?
the brief thing with the other guy was after she divroced?
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Old 11-21-2013, 06:28 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

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Originally Posted by whattodoskidoo View Post
I know she didnt push him to drink I'm just wondering how important the attraction point is. If she loves him but isn't that attracted to him, does it stand a chance of working?
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No. Please tell her no. The kids have already been through one divorce. They don't need their lives confused further. Even setting that issue aside, I can tell you that it's simply unfair to both herself and to him. She won't be happy and he will eventually see that and it will fall apart. Being attracted to him, wanting to be with him, loving him like a lover,... those things are very important and should not be overlooked or sacrificed. I'm speaking from the voice of experience. This is a definite no.
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Old 11-22-2013, 12:36 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

It doesn't matter how perfect your body is.... how perfect you look or act...if you're a drunk....you're ugly and painful to live with.

She'd be a fool to get back with him while he's still drinking.

I really hope she stays strong!
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Old 11-25-2013, 02:03 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How important is attraction?

Sometime love is not enough..... sadly
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