hitrockbottom

I just wrote the Longest Letter...about 5000 words. All from my heart I have spent not lying 6-7 hours typing this. Now I have to read it to my wife... If you are interested I can send a link..but it is to long to post up. here is the end though:

Here is a brief break down of what I think has happened:
1. Our communication broke down
2. I formed a Vice with alcohol
3. We became so worried about hurting each other that we bottled our emotions, which in the end hurt us both.
4. We stopped being open
5. We formed separate groups of friends, and forgot about mutual friends
6. Some of our friends became unhealthy for us…A lot of mine. Especially in my mind state.
7. You turned your emotions over to someone else other then Me your husband
8. I let eyes wonder and I faltered in our marriage.
9. Lies and Deception started to become and everyday thing.
10. We got caught up so much in ourselves that we forgot to take the time for us.
These are just a few of the things there may be some more, there may be a lot more but WE as a couple need to work on this.

Here some of what I am willing to do.(for myself and us)
1. Talk to you like I used to, let you in on things
2. Quit using the shop and my false want to be accepted as a reason to slip into uncontrollable drinking. I’m already accepted by the people that matter to me most. You and my family.
3. Focus more on the things that make me happy and stop trying to please other people
4. Get my old Personality back. Not this person I am becoming
5. Focus on our marriage as it was and as it should be.
6. Be an open book to you I.E. Tell you where I am going, where I am, emails, Phone calls, text Messages what ever you ask about. You are my wife and you deserve to know.
7. Accept you for who you are and not for what I want you to be.
8. Accept and support your beliefs and not persecute you for them
9. Encourage you to be open with me. I want you to tell me anything regardless if it is going to hurt me or not.
10. Be HONEST WITH YOU.
11. Invite you to places I am going, and plan to do things when I know you can come rather then when I know you can’t. Work with you on our schedules.
12. Make Time for US. At least one or two nights a month Dedicated to You and only you. Dedicated to pampering you, going out with only you, focusing 100% of my attention to you. Like I used to. Like we both used to.
13. Make time Nightly to speak with you and really listen, conversate, discuss, trade Ideas, or if need be Argue.
14. Not bottle up my emotions.
15. Make apologies to the people they are needed to. To help you mend your friendships that I have helped damage.
16. Not be an Ass when I am around your friends so that you will actually start inviting me around them again.
17. Go to the little places with you again. I enjoyed. I didn’t realize until it was gone that it was fun. IE walmart, target, the mall(when you girlfriends aren’t available), or even the recyclebend
18. Accept your family. Period.
19. Get involved in Diving so I can share that with you like you shared my passion for skateboarding with me. FYI Diving does actually interest me.

There are probably more things I could say but I want start with these and work forward.
Now I know this is going to be a long road. I mean every thing that I have stated in this letter. I am already starting on me. I have attended AA, actually enjoyed it, will be going back again. I contacted a counselor to help me sift through things so I can relay them to you better. And I Already love you, that’s the important thing

What I ask for in return is for you to find a way to look past my shortcomings and forgive me one. Most importantly return your heart and emotions to me. For you stop this what I am going to call, and emotional affair. I know that doing this will be hesitant on your part because of the hurt and damage that I have done and you are afraid of me doing it again but I can promise this is the only time I am or will have to ask you this. If we are to fix this friendship and then marriage it is going to take two. And it is going to have to be done under one roof. I can’t repair things apart from you. I’m not asking to be allowed back in the bedroom but under the same roof. I love you and thank you for listening to me this whole time.