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Old 06-16-2010, 12:51 PM   #61 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to become more intimate?

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Originally Posted by MarkTwain View Post
... but you still speak with an accent...
Darn Brits REALLY aught to learn English
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Old 06-16-2010, 01:07 PM   #62 (permalink)
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Mark,

Ah, but I am motivated to do something. Certainly, either you have not had the time to read all mys posts (understandable) or you are being blinded by your dislike for the SSRIs if you do not see that this thread IS out of motivation.

Yes, I became rather callous to her (to be fair though we shared many, many good times through the years - unfortunately dampened by dark clouds), things have changed however for the past year. The things mentioned really no longer apply on a day to day basis. To say the memory or the fear of them returning no longer exists would be rather blind though.

"If you work on yourself, you can have a goal of being the best YOU you can be. Life might recognize that and reward you with a better wife. That could be her or a new model."

That's been goal one along with not letting her treatment, or lack of treatment of me, effect the way I want to be as a person and husband. In as sense to be an actor not a reactor. Part of me sees you jumping on this quickly as an easy way to "doormat"ness. or that it is weak. Weak? Seriously? This may be the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not saying she isn't being told when she treats me poorly, just that I don't in turn treat her poorly.
To be honest, many of times I do just suck it up. Got to learn to chose your battles as well. Not that it is really a battle but I can't overwelm her ...she stress out and shuts down really easy.
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Old 06-16-2010, 01:13 PM   #63 (permalink)
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Vino,
May be true...sometime down the road. Truth is she shows little interest in hearing much of my thoughts or activities or ...

I'd recently completed an internet video advertisement for a press release that was going out. Had spent many hours on it and had to stay late working on it to get done. Asked her if she wanted to see it. She said, maybe later. So later came and went. I brought up that it hurt that she was so disinterested. She apologized and said she had no idea it was a "big deal" to me and the I had put so much "Creativity" into it. And to this day has not seen the video...

Did give me some insight to match what I'd already had a clue at. She really doesn't value work and effort unless it is seen by her as 'creative' . Thus her constant lust and crushes for musicians, artists, actors etc...
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Old 06-16-2010, 01:45 PM   #64 (permalink)
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Sisters,

While you are off on the whole control issue it is to be expected. I really only gave you you one view of the marriage and it was in a sense from her point of view where I was the bad guy.

The control thing is not as much a difficulty with me giving up control as it is figuring out the balance. Essentially she desires to be responsible for very little, in all honesty I think if she could be responsible for nothing she'd go for it.

I'm not trying to get into my wife's past and present shortcomings here but do want to give a bit of understanding to the control balance thing. It's is tricky because as I said earlier she is a person that will avoid doing, yet expect it to get done. For many years she said we needed counseling yet never would make an appointment, to this days till has never made one. Complained for years we did not go out enough but...never set up a date in that time (she has set up a couple in the past year).

It's difficult and I don't want to mislead. My wife is very intelligent. She is one of the most tool capable women I've ever met. She is artistic, she is quite talented in a number of creative and crafty ways. If her boutique was in Boston or San Fran it would probably be the talk of the town! She is empathetic. She is beautiful! Most beautiful face my lips have ever touched. She is an awesome cook, we rarely eat mac and cheese, I prefer many of her meals to Olive Garden or the Macaroni Grill!

I think the balance is working out better as while i am still having to do most everything I've been running things by her prior to setting them in stone. Seems to be a workable solution. A couple times I've caught myself forgetting to run it by her and apologized ans she said no big deal. Two reason I think. One because I have checked enough that she now believes I value her thoughts/opinions/desires. Two because it probably wasn't a thing on her radar that would have set her off.
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Old 06-16-2010, 02:33 PM   #65 (permalink)
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WantsHappiness

No actually the first time I saw it as omg here I was a bit confused as I was reading it as "oh my gosh" and it just didn't make sense in the sentence!

Great for you, well if you can put the governor on! LOL

Yes, we've had times like that and felt a closeness - rather strange after a disagreement isn't it? To feel closer?

She knows she did things wrong. I think she is still pretty set that anything she did out of line was due to me causing it. I would find it extremely unlikely that she would accept EA as a term describing what she did.

We recently changed counselors due to the one we were going to leaving the direct practice world and concentrating on training counselors and his books and such. He knew, but also was a very astute counselor and knew the best chance of getting somewhere with us was to work on the one most likely to be pliable. Had the concentration been put on the EAs that would probably have been our last appointment.

At the risk of this thread really ripping off in the wrong direction. She has gone completely underground with her Twitter and her forum where she was having the EAs. She has made her Twitter private (she was upset that I was upset the she used to post when she had her masturbation orgasms on Twitter and other such things like her obsession with guys making her woozy and such) and it has remained so.

There was a forum that she had met several guys on (the operator she'd had a crush on) One she constantly had sex talk with- oral, anal, online dates with him. They were each others online bf/gf she became know as the forum gilf when our granddaughter was born and she was quite proud of it. I know she talked to them about her newfound orgasms ans used to tell them about it. This is just a bit of the stuff i found in the public area- most of her time was spent in the private area and on the chats. I don't really want to go much further. The other guy (local one) I saw very little public interaction with them on the forum, yet she told me he was her best friend - better than the one she had all the sex talk with. So you already know the story of her trying to meet with the local one. At the end of April the forum was to close. So I went on to see what was going on between her and her sextalk boy. She had told me months ago that she had put a stern, definitely no way any more of this message out on the forum. So I find very little but do find a couple recent references to her being his mistress and her flirting with it and saying that is what she will miss most. Also another reference about him wanking to her pics. So I go to the new forum where they are mostly all moving to and see her caption under her name. It said "Is madly love with OG, who unfortunately has a thing for farm animals" (reference to mistress comment from the previous forum)

I pressed these issues and of course she's pissed that I was snooping on her. Doesn't get why I'm upset. Can't/won't show me where she said for it to stop. I explained again how these things made me feel. I explained how her sacrificing my feelings in order to not offend OG made me feel. Next day she told me she took care of it. Didn't want to make a big deal so she just put"please do not put anything here) in her signature area. I've the funny feeling she didn't hear the part about how I feel she is more concerned about offending him than hurting me.

They are both forum admins so she said he originally wrote "Is madly love with OG", and that she added the end to be funny and turn it back on him. FWIW this sounds very likely. Surprisingly enough she is active nearly every day on the forum (after all she is a mod) yet has never posted another public post since the day of my bringing things up. They have a paid only area that cannot be seen by the public.... and chat. So maybe she did hear after all and figures i can't be hurt by what i can't see... strangely though I lean much toward the she can't be confronted by what i don't see or that I've got absolutely no business seeing what she posts anyway.

Last edited by OneMarriedGuy; 06-16-2010 at 03:00 PM. Reason: addes last two lines - fixed spelling
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Old 06-16-2010, 02:36 PM   #66 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to become more intimate?

MeM
Fair enough question..don't really know the answer. You're right..don't really know. Yup, didn't thrill me either and red flag yup - red flag for a bull, we both had our share of resentment through the years.

But time will tell...




There caught up! Thank you all for your time and thoughts, much appreciated!

Last edited by OneMarriedGuy; 06-16-2010 at 02:48 PM.
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Old 06-16-2010, 03:36 PM   #67 (permalink)
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Wow...
First, I'd like to comment that you're very lovable.
Just look at the number of people who so care about you to spend so much time reading and following your story .

It's a shame that when people go through some form of transformation internally, their close family and relatives often fail to see the changes. Because their perception and viewing lenses have been set by the shared history, it's hard to see them as they are "now" using the new lenses. They can't see the changes until they themselves are ready and willing to change their own perception.

How we see others is but a reflection of how we see ourselves. When I tell a story about others, it is really not about them but how I see myself deep down, maybe subconsciously. I know that a lot of people would disagree with this statement, but that's been my truth. That doesn't mean that I don't see other people in a negative light. I do. However, when I come to my senses, it becomes easier trying to see them in a different light, knowing that those negative traits are my own.

If you're ready to change and continue your journey toward become a better person, you can make loving decisions which don't involve sacrifice from anyone. You can still see your W as lovingly as possible, knowing that she'll see you when she is ready to see you. Meanwhile, you can still feel good about yourself and the progress you are making. Just because she can't see the changes you have made, it doesn't take anything away from your progress. It's important to recognize how far we have come and be kind to ourselves. I think that you're doing wonderful, and you have every reason to feel good about yourself.
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Old 06-16-2010, 03:49 PM   #68 (permalink)
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OMG,
The reason I bring this up is simple. In most sexless marriages the person who doesn't want sex creates a list of "flaws" in their starved partner that they claim are the "cause" of the desire problem.

I know nothing about you. I will however give you something to think about. If you have a good job and are successful dealing with co-workers and customers you are likely a fairly reasonable person. If she is unable to deal with even a moderate stress job - typically that means she has trouble interacting with other adults.

Given that - ask yourself a question. Do you treat her the way you treat the other folks in your life? If so, and everyone else mostly responds positively, then I doubt the behaviors she mentioned are causing her lack of desire.

Worse I think she has established a pattern with you where she makes up a very untrue reason for not having sex. And you accept it.

I LOVE my wife just as much as I trust her and she respects me. If she had told me after our wedding ceremony that we had to be celibate until the reception half a year later I would have firmly demanded an honest explanation for what was happening. And failing to get one I would have gotten an annulment. PS - like you we didn't wait until we were married. So she would have been stopping our sexual relationship cold after a year and half of being intimate. And to do that with some insultingly obvious untruth - would be the ultimate sign of disrespect to me.

Your wife is not OBLIGATED to feel lust for you, nor to have sex with you. But she IS obligated to be honest with you.

My guess - she is going to continue to string you along with a never ending list of "issues" that she changes as you go along such that you "never" earn the right to have sex with her.

Actually it is a nice deal for her, she gets a husband on a never ending quest for perfection while she gets to relax and tell you "she simply can't cope" with even a moderately difficult job.

If you don't see the link there - I will point it out. If she said

"Sorry I am not attracted to you, never really have been but I do like you and DO need your financial support for the rest of my life" Oh and by the way - I know that making "me" happy makes you happy which is why you are so nice to me. But the same isn't true in reverse so I am not going to have sex with you just to make you happy because I don't actually care enough about your happiness to make the effort."

As for how you were behaving up until the last year. Of COURSE you were difficult and hard to deal with. Your wife clearly doesn't care about your needs and hadn't for years. Why would you expect that not to impact your interaction with her. I am not justifying your behavior just pointing out that it seems like all the burden of fixing this marriage is on you. And there seems to be minimal focus on her pattern of deception and non-loving behavior.

One last observation so you understand this is all gender neutral. Men who starve their wives of sex also lie about why and in a fairly similar way.

I just hate to see people being deceived and chasing their tails for their whole lives. It really is a type of emotional abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneMarriedGuy View Post
MeM
Fair enough question..don't really know the answer. You're right..don't really know. Yup, didn't thrill me either and red flag yup - red flag for a bull, we both had our share of resentment through the years.

But time will tell...




There caught up! Thank you all for your time and thoughts, much appreciated!
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Old 06-16-2010, 04:34 PM   #69 (permalink)
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Questions
Thanks for the hug

Yes, it is hard for people to view others that are making an effort to change with only the new goggles instead of letting the old goggles in. The slightest trigger from the "old" habits can flip those new goggles to old and have you looking through the old again. I say this as I've seen it from my wife AND I've seen it from me towards my wife. Fact is she has made huge strides in this as well.

Our counselor had said this to us as well, perhaps both my wife and myself need a reminder of this, everything we 'know' doesn't become inset and a good habit until practiced quite a bit.

Part of me keeping "MY Path" in line here is trying to help others, and in doing so reminding myself of the path I feel I need to stay on. Thank you for sharing AND reading, I know it is starting to get like a novel.

MEM
I know it may seem absurd, but I worked with her at one point prior to us dating. What seemed to me to be the smallest of things would truly just hit her like it was all consuming and unbearable. It is real.

Yes I've been given pretty much every excuse known to man and the inhabitants of the Star Wars, Star Trek, DC and Marvel universes. In the end they simply mean "I don't want to be with you"

Yes, I've felt one or another of these edited versions many a time...

"Sorry I am not attracted to you, never really have been but I do like you and by the way - I don't want to hurt your feelings by coming right out with that so will give endless excuses."

"I am not going to have sex with you just to make you happy because I shouldn't have to if I don't feel like it and I don't actually care enough about your happiness to make the effort to work on the real reasons why I don't feel like it"

On the other hand even if these are her real thoughts, they do have possibility for change. My wife is not a player. She IS a survivor though. She would concur, I'm sure. (perhaps I should write everything from here on out in rhyme -could make a more entertaining read)
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Old 06-16-2010, 05:14 PM   #70 (permalink)
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So it seems the whole sex intimacy thing is fully in swing in this thread right alongside the emotional intimacy so let me throw out a couple things just to stir and confuse the pot. She is a sweet onion and has many layers that I fully believe even she is not fully aware of all of them.

I have three basic theories.

The first involves the abuse and is simply compounded by SSRIs and behavior issues within our marriage.

She strongly believes and so do I that she was sexually abused when she was young, things lead toward at least being forced to have a penis in her mouth. The following is my case for sex being a control/power thing for her as would make sense from an abused child that was powerless and control-less while sexually abused.

I would say in the 10 years of sex prior to me that my wife was pretty active sexually. She had partners somewhere in the 30 or so area, some longer term, some just a single time.

She became quite proficient orally - we all know this takes practice and desire (to have the power with being really good at something that is very desired and that few have a reputation at being really good at and the PW control that comes with it).

Once while I was still just her friend/coworker she said "I'm like a guy sexually". At the time I interpreted that as she gets horny and has to have it often. I now tend to believe that it was more to the "I like to have 'em once and then dump 'em" (this would leave them wanting her after she showed them just how GOOD she was)

The situation with the guy she was dating before me was this. They would go out dancing and drinking once a week and afterwards have sex that night, maybe the next day as well. He would then leave and she would not hear from him until he called to make plans for the next weekend. After they broke up and I started dating her she wanted me to contact this guy and tell how he had screwed up by not wanting to be with her more and how wonderful she was. (power...control?)

While being awesome at oral she also had a few rules that lean toward abuse reactions imo. I could never be over her in any way. Not standing, or sitting. Not even 69 with her on top. It had to be me on back and her down between legs. Only one time was it OK for me to be standing. (she needs to feel in control)

I mentioned that before last April May she had never had an orgasm before while awake. She told me they had come during particularly uncomfortable dreams where she was being raped.

I truly believe sex for my wife is most enjoyable when it is "wrong/dangerous" in some way. It is somewhat hard to describe, but almost in a sense when she feels she will/may regret it later-ish. I pretty much am convinced that the only times in recent years that she has initiated and "participated" in sex with me is due to her having another man on her mind, either waking up from a dream in the morning or after "chatting" etc.
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Old 06-16-2010, 05:18 PM   #71 (permalink)
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OMG,
What I am trying to tell you is that it is very likely the reasons are not fixable. If they were she very likely would have told you by now given how much emotional havoc a sexless marriage creates.

If it were me, I would sit her down and have the "talk". And the talk goes like this.

I understand there are things you want me to do to improve the emotional component of our marriage. I am all for that and as you can tell am committed to improving.

Separate from that we need to have an honest, unfiltered likely raw conversation about sexual attraction. Because the truth is - all that other stuff will make me a better friend, companion. But NONE of it is going to create desire. And that has been the real weakness in this marriage from day 1. So start telling me what creates desire, and what dampens desire.

For instance - I can guarantee you she has been in situations where a guy has behaved a certain way and it aroused her. And his behavior might have had nothing to do with her. Maybe it was a guy handling a difficult customer. Or giving a presentation in a really skilled/confident way.

This is NOT a critique of your wife. That type reaction is totally normal and has nothing to do with infidelity of any type. The thing is to get her to tell you what arouses her.

BTW - she is going to do everything she can to avoid this conversation. It is frightening and awkward. So you need to be firm or she will blow you off. And you have to decide what firm means. For me, and I have never had to have "that" particular talk, but when stonewalled on other topics I have just said "no further conversation about anything else happens until this conversation is concluded to my satisfaction". And that means other than kid schedules I simply go radio silent.

As for her emotional sensitivity let me tell you a story. My wife and I accidentally got pregnant before marriage - in fact before we were living together. For SURE before she was in love with me. I moved in and there was a lot of conflict. She was very embarrassed about the pregnancy - she comes from a religious catholic family. I was generally doing the best I could to be supportive. While we were fighting a lot we were also having sex daily - because - fortunately at least the attraction part of the puzzle has been good all along.

Overall I felt she was in general taking out her unhappiness with the situation on me. And to a degree I was tolerant - hey lets face it - she was going through a 9 month pregnancy - my physical participation was that I came really hard to start it all off. So I was not looking for parity - just an absence of "over the top" behavior. One afternoon one of us spilled a very small amount of water on the floor. We both walked into the bathroom together and I pulled 9 tiles of toilet paper off the roll. She erupted - full throttle fury. We only needed 2 tiles. I instantly responded in kind. About an hour later I calmly told her that if she was going to react that way to basically "nothing" I was moving out and would agree to the standard formula for child support after our child was born. I wasn't bluffing, I was simply defining a behavioral boundary. She reluctantly acknowledged she had over reacted. I told her that I wanted feedback - but was not going to stay with someone who was emotionally abusive. Guess what - that behavior pattern never repeated. See she is a survivor also. And she knew that the good guy she was with was really about to pack his bags and his paycheck and not look back.

I would be lying if I claimed smooth sailing post that one conversation. NOT. We had conflict. But the concept of proportionality applied. Full throttle fury was reserved for big stuff. Mild irritation was conveyed for little stuff.

And for many things I taught her the magic phrase "next time it would be better if you could do X when Y happens."

And yes - unfortunately I did have to warn her that I would leave every once in a while when I felt she was way out of her swim lane. But that was 21 years ago. And over time things steadily got better.

And ultimately we both converged on the golden rule. And we are both equally comfortable getting inside each others personal space, going eye to eye and asking "are you really sure you would be ok if I do to you, what you just did to me?"

I know this is difficult but often the more you buffer a "sensitive" from fair consequence, the more difficult they become.


Quote:
Originally Posted by OneMarriedGuy View Post
Questions
Thanks for the hug

Yes, it is hard for people to view others that are making an effort to change with only the new goggles instead of letting the old goggles in. The slightest trigger from the "old" habits can flip those new goggles to old and have you looking through the old again. I say this as I've seen it from my wife AND I've seen it from me towards my wife. Fact is she has made huge strides in this as well.

Our counselor had said this to us as well, perhaps both my wife and myself need a reminder of this, everything we 'know' doesn't become inset and a good habit until practiced quite a bit.

Part of me keeping "MY Path" in line here is trying to help others, and in doing so reminding myself of the path I feel I need to stay on. Thank you for sharing AND reading, I know it is starting to get like a novel.

MEM
I know it may seem absurd, but I worked with her at one point prior to us dating. What seemed to me to be the smallest of things would truly just hit her like it was all consuming and unbearable. It is real.

Yes I've been given pretty much every excuse known to man and the inhabitants of the Star Wars, Star Trek, DC and Marvel universes. In the end they simply mean "I don't want to be with you"

Yes, I've felt one or another of these edited versions many a time...

"Sorry I am not attracted to you, never really have been but I do like you and by the way - I don't want to hurt your feelings by coming right out with that so will give endless excuses."

"I am not going to have sex with you just to make you happy because I shouldn't have to if I don't feel like it and I don't actually care enough about your happiness to make the effort to work on the real reasons why I don't feel like it"

On the other hand even if these are her real thoughts, they do have possibility for change. My wife is not a player. She IS a survivor though. She would concur, I'm sure. (perhaps I should write everything from here on out in rhyme -could make a more entertaining read)
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Old 06-16-2010, 06:26 PM   #72 (permalink)
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The second involves a total self-centeredness in sex.

She became quite proficient orally - we all know this takes practice and desire (to be accredited with being really good at something that is very desired and that few have a reputation at being really good at, it is all about her).

Once while I was still just her friend/coworker she said "I'm like a guy sexually". At the time I interpreted that as she gets horny and has to have it often. I now tend to believe that it was more to the "I like to have 'em once and then dump 'em" (its all about her -use em and lose em, whatever rings her bell)

The situation with the guy she was dating before me was this. They would go out dancing and drinking once a week and afterwards have sex that night, maybe the next day as well. He would then leave and she would not hear from him until he called to make plans for the next weekend. After they broke up and I started dating her she wanted me to contact this guy and tell how he had screwed up by not wanting to be with her more and how wonderful she was. (Lets just say Alla bout YOU and RUDE MUCH? Oh well I was PW'd, while I didn't do it I just shut up and allowed myself to play second fiddle to the guy she obviously really wanted)

While being awesome at oral she also had a few rules that lean toward abuse reactions imo. I could never be over her in any way. Not standing, or sitting. Not even 69 with her on top. It had to be me on back and her down between legs. Only one time was it OK for me to be standing. (how she was most comfortable, she knew I loved the giving and receiving of 69 yet would never ever try it with me. Once married the bj to completion was never again attempted unless she thought all the sudden I would pop in 60 seconds - was no reason to, she'd shown how talented she was)

I mentioned that before last April May she had never had an orgasm before while awake. This was shortly before my discovering the EAs. While she did share her new found love for the showerhead she refused to tell me how things with it were now different than the had been when trying the shower head in the past. I imagine it is to protect my feelings and it either involves one or more for the OGs or her extreme lust/crush on Rupert Grint (Ron Weasley from the Harry Potter movies) I have the joy of her having spent hundred of hours doing charcoal portraits of him and the portraits still in the home (anybody want to buy a very good charcoal portrait of Rupert Grint some as him, some as Ron Weasley. Hell I hope the movie Cherrybomb NEVER makes it to the United states! end of rant....maybe...yes, I'm better now. Oh forget it..more rant.... How many charcoal portraits of me do you are? Yup, nada. When I once brought this up (maybe 8 months ago) she said "I wanted to do this one of you and our other son (she did one of her with another son) but you said you didn't like yourself in it." I said I must've been wired at the time I like it. She said "Great I'll do it" several others have been done in the mean time, the one with me has never been mentioned again. OK, now REALLY, back to subject at hand.

So while one of the excuses during our marriage was "we can't do anything while the kids are up/around/whatever" (this excuse is in effect again as of 2010 btw) now she is in the bathroom nearly every day for an hour or two (she can get there, but is still didn't come easily). You maybe thinking I'm exaggerating but I'd swear to a minimum of 7 to 10 hours a week. Even then she did not always have her orgasm. She would often ejaculate many times, but not get over the hump as she'd calls it. This would frustrate her greatly.

So she's got the hornies now, that had to be great for me right? Well, yes and... no. You see if she had an orgasm she'd call for me and want be to bang her silly. Well yeah, that was good.

A typical scenario might go like this though. I start kissing her neck, she get amorous and tells me she's going up to the bathroom, "she'll call". guess what? If she didn't orgasm, she is frustrated and wants zero to do with me.


Or we go to bed together and I give her oral until she squirts a bunch (that thrills me to no end btw) and she take off to the shower head, it was exciting to watch her but if I tried to kiss or anything she'd be irritated. She was eyes closed in her own world, I wasn't invited. No I would not be touched, not in any way shape or form... well not by her anyway.

Other times while orally taking the to many ejacs she would say she's done...poof. out of bed, off to clean up and me well, not as much as touched again unless you count her touching my hair during.

And yes, sometimes she would take me inside her.

The last time we were together prior to the September crash mentioned earlier I had taken her out to a winery and had a great time, drinking wine, sitting in the grass eating grapes and crackers and cheese and talking and laughing with each other I took her to a hotel on surprise, I'd arranged a sitter for the whole night. Earlier in the day I'd gone out and purchased maybe 10 white candles, a dozen roses and another bunch of mixed flowers. I'd come to the hotel, arranged snipped an pre-lit candles to make sure they would light and burn good. And gotten the flowers into water to make sure they stayed nice. I took her up to the room and made her wait outside for a moment while i placed flowers about and lit candles. We came in and she was thrilled and excited, all smiles. This turned to disappointment as she noticed the shower was a regular shower head and not one with a hose. She tied her best while I waited in bed to get the faucet or shower to cooperate with her. In the end she came to bed and offered deadfish sex. I didn't cum, neither did she, went to sleep. The next day while I was told thank you I was also told "Next time send the kids hear so she could be at home with her showerhead" (and dildo)

On Halloween we came home very amorous and i got the you wait while I do the shower thing again. It was unsuccessful for her, i was again told too bad for you. I was pissed but said nothing that night. I did however for the first time confront her with how this makes me feel. She was not happy and went inot the I'm jealous and how I don't get how this is for her and that I've been having orgasms for years and this is for her like a little boy with his Victoria's Secret catalog.

I will end with my birthday from last year as all sex pretty much ended a couple weeks before it. EVERY year for holidays (birthday, Christmas, Father's Day) when she would ask what I wanted, I'd tell her that I wanted to be with her (sex) In the last nearly 10 years I got my wish once... in 2008, on my birthday. So I was really hopefull for my 2009 birthday. So in the morning she tells me (again) that she is going up to the shower and she will call for me. About 45 minutes later she calls. I get to come in and watch her and play with myself. I think she have maybe actually touched my leg once and unlike the other times here and there she would open her eyes and look at me. Now in hopes that maybe on my birthday I would get touched I played but tried not to ejac. after about 45 more minutes I was quite RAW and not only that I had to go and pick up one of my sons, I knew I was probably already late at that point. Also I figured this was just another of a long steak of she is not going to get there and I'm out of luck. I stopped, gave her a kiss, told her to keep going but I have to go and stepped out of the tub and left the bathroom. I heard her call my name as I left but ... I needed to go and was pretty hurt...again. As I wsa leaving to go get my son she had already got out of the bathroom and told me to come to her. She told me she was trying to share an orgasm with me and that she'd wanted me to be inside her when she reached it (as I'd never been in the bathroom when she had). I apologized for messing up her plans yet told her how could I really have been expected to other assume other than what had always been?

Now while she does still have her "shower time" I do not beleive it is as frequent and it is never while I'm around.
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Old 06-16-2010, 06:27 PM   #73 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to become more intimate?

Third possibility
This ones is quick so don't be too amazed.

She really is just not into me at all.

Supported by it is relatively likely that her only "actively" participating times with me in the last years were do to her being "inspired" by someone else.

I'm adding this nearly a day later. There a couple of things that even if this IS really THE REASON for her with regards to me, that it is most likely not the only reason for her.

I remembered last night two relative premarital incidents. One was meeting and ex-bf of hers and him making a comment to the effect of "good luck with sex with her" and my now wife responding "shut up this one's a keeper" to him. Also can remember at one time her telling me had a low sex drive. Shrugged it off as her sex drive seemed ample to me at the time.

Last edited by OneMarriedGuy; 06-19-2010 at 01:41 PM. Reason: Added last paragraph
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Old 06-16-2010, 06:46 PM   #74 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to become more intimate?

MEM
An interesting post and much to think about. I suppose the big difference is that you WERE REALLY going to leave her for that. I am not at the point where I would do that and do not pretend or give ital threats.

But none the less i will read it again and make certain it is properly digested. Thank you!
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Old 06-17-2010, 12:31 AM   #75 (permalink)
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Default Re: How to become more intimate?

Quote:
Originally Posted by OneMarriedGuy View Post
Third possibility
This ones is quick so don't be too amazed.

She really is just not into me at all.
While I don't know the full full story I've read quite a lot now and notwithstanding there's a whole bunch of loyalty in what you say and there's always two sides, blah blah, ...

I'm really sad for you .. for you both, but mostly for you.
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