The abuse is in the form of deception. She is telling him she will love him in the true (marital) sense of the word if he does x,y and z. But she won't and knows at some level she won't. That deception is a type of abuse.
That's only one of the abuses - although it's tragic in that the worst resentment one can experience is the kind triggered by being constantly promised something but never quite receiving it.
For instance, there is a phenomenon called the "dopamine crash". This can occur when someone gets excited about the prospect of something fun or deeply pleasurable. As the anticipation of pleasure (yet to come) builds, dopamine levels rise, and this rise feels very exciting. If at the last minute, the expected activity is cancelled, the dopamine levels to crash, and elation turns into depression. If this is experienced repeatedly with the same person, it can be sheer hell.
Look at the excitement that the two promises of this post brings:
Afterwards, as I said I done everynow and then over the months and was gong to make a point of doing more often, I asked her how I'd been doing meeting her needs. She said she did not want to go into it at that time (it was really late and she did look beat) but would like to discuss it sometime and "to be fair she would ask the same back to me". THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!!! Yes, since she never did I've come out and approached some things with her, but she has NEVER ONCE shown a concern for it on her own in the past. Well with her, saying is one thing and doing yet another (my work video, sex promises, sex therapy are some listed in the curent post/novel) but at least it shows progress! I was pretty excited and told her so!
Because of other commitments I certain these conversations will not happen today but I will at least bring my side of it up again maybe Monday or Tuesday.
ALSO she told me today she was not planning on going into her store on Father's Day and that she had an idea of something we might do together with the kids! It may seem odd that I'm this excited but it but after batting a big zero from her on Valentine's Day this year I really was not quite sure what to expect.
If either promise gets broken, it will trigger a crash.
The shower-head stuff coupled with her letting him get involved only to a minor extent and at her command, while also having online flirtations is another example of abuse.
The fact that he puts up with it is self-abuse.