Desperately need some advice

sunshine · 06-09-2008, 08:10 AM

I really need some advice. I'm currently in a relationship of 2 1/2years, living together for almost 2. Before my bf and I started getting serious, we had both slept with another person. The guy I had slept with is now out of my life but the girl my bf had slept with just happens to be his brothers girlfriend's sister. His brother now has a baby with his gf which means the sister my bf slept with will always be around. We live in seperate cities from his brother but still tend to go home to visit. Here's what bothers me ... after they had slept together, they still hung out because of his brother. She's a really big trouble maker and crazy. She still tries to contact my bf and it absolutely is sending me over the edge. Its like I will always have to deal with her if I stay with my boyfriend. I have severe anxiety just thinking about her being there when we go to visit. I will even make up excuses why I can't go back home just so I don't have to deal with her. I am scared my bf will go visit his brother without me and she will be there. I feel betrayed if he talks to her but he's the type of person to talk to be nice. If there were me, I'd would not say a word but I know he would talk to her. Our relationship right now has a lot of problems that we are trying to work out .. but I can't seem to move forward because of her. I've told my boyfriend before that she bothers me and he said she's nothing to him and not to worry. I believe him but it's like I don't want him talking to her ever .. or I will be humiliated. Trust is a big issue with us and it's something that I don't have right now so all of this is causing me to stress out. I went through depression a few months ago and seem to be getting better but it's almost like my relationship isn't worth staying in because of all of the negatives.

Amplexor · 06-09-2008, 09:01 AM

I can only comment on the one issue you have brought up here. If there are a lot of other issues you need help with please let us know their nature. A spouse or significant other who is in contact with an ex lover is an uncomfortable situation for anyone. And since his brother has had a child with her sister it is likely you will cross paths many times. If your boy friend has told you she means nothing to him and hasn’t given you any reason to think otherwise then you need to trust in him. You cannot expect him to alter his relationship with his brother because the situation may be uncomfortable for you. I don’t believe you can expect him to not speak with her if she is around either. That will only make the 800 lb. gorilla in the room that much larger. My best advice is to work on your other issues and make the relationship stronger. Having done that you should feel more secure in the situation and that will make it easier for all involved. Good luck

Russell · 06-09-2008, 12:40 PM

I agree with Amp on this one. There really isn't a lot to be asked in this situation due to the fact that the girl is his brother's wife's sister. (Henceforth known as sister in law.) The sister in law is going to be around, but the truth is, how often is she going to be visiting her sister when your bf is there? I would imagine by chance only. If your in other cities... it really should be limited to once a week anyways, depending on how close the cities are together. Hey good luck.

I have to say trust him, or go with him. Those are your two choices. However, one thing that you can not do is ask him to alter his relationship with his brother. That is actually wrong on your part if you were to do that.

swedish · 06-09-2008, 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sunshine

Trust is a big issue with us and it's something that I don't have right now so all of this is causing me to stress out. I went through depression a few months ago and seem to be getting better but it's almost like my relationship isn't worth staying in because of all of the negatives.

Only you can decide whether it's worth staying in this relationship.

One thing I would consider is the trust issue you are having. If he hasn't done anything that warrants your distrust, you will probably be the same way in relationships to come, so why not work through that now? If it's an issue of being insecure, I would focus your energy there, because if his ex is nutty and he agrees, she doesn't seem to be anyone to worry about as far as he is concerned.