Trying to sort the problems..still confused(input welcome)

hitrockbottom · 06-09-2008, 10:47 AM

Make things semi brief.
First off My marriage has been shaky this last year, thats for sure. We don't really communicate as we should have. I closed up and she said it was easier not to be there then to deal with it.

Second....she has taken her rings off, and says she is confused. Stated she still loves me. Won't say "I love you too" in response to me telling her so, but none the less says she still loves me. And expresses that she still wants me in her life. Not sure if she wants it to me in Marriage or Friendship.

Third as mentioned before I cheated on her.... A year and 1/2 ago. Since this was Exposed I have:
1.) MOVE out for a week, now back in the house and living in basement
2.) Apologized - that was this Friday.
3.) Quit Drinking - Month Dry now.
4.) Got into AA
5.) Contacted and went to Counsling. Not marriage but personal dealing with my rage and depression I am in because of all this.
6.) Sat down and spoke with her about my end of things, as far as what I want to do to change. Also how much I love her/actually need her in my life.
7.) Been trying to give her space w/o actually not being around her. I'm not constantly sitting next to her, or asking questions, or calling, all of which I want to do dearly.
8.) Trying to remind her of who I was before. For example I showed up at her Dive class and picked up her car and CLeaned it for her.
9.) Started a Journal to Express my feelings, and have showed it to her and stated that it is open for her to read when ever.
10.) Attended Church and started contact w/my old pastor.

There are some other minor things but this is it.
We are still Married, Not seperated or pending Divorce.
She stated that she doesn't think that she has the emotions or the heart to continue, or to accept me back, after the infidelity. However, she has sat and spoken with me about things in her life, she cooked dinner for us the other day, and she hasn't asked me to leave the house or filled for divorce.

I believe that there is a Slim, VERY SLIM chance of her taking me back but I believe that it all relies on time and my actions. I want so badly to be intimate with her to hold and kiss her, but that doesn't seem like a possibility right now.

She says that she is still unhappy and has been even before she found out about me cheating, I only capitilized it. She says she doesn't like anything she has. She still keeps her feelings locked up. I don't know where to go or what to do. In my heart I am holding on that she will take me back...right now I am there as a friend and trying to help guide her. I told her that I will not leave her side and that she needs to find what makes her happy. I find it so hard not to pressure her but I know it will only further press her away from me. But I need to become that Happy, Carefree, Spontaneous guy again that she was attracted to. Any opinions or advice on things that I can do..or not do....and please dont say give it up....

Amplexor · 06-09-2008, 11:00 AM

No, no don’t give up. There is hope for your marriage, how slim it is only you have a true feel for. I’m impressed with your list of changes/efforts. All are excellent first steps. Be sure these are written in stone for you. If not you’ll find yourself in the same boat sometime down the road. Your attempts to give her space and be there to support her is a tough wire to walk but an excellent philosophy. As the two of you try to move forward be aware this will take time and a lot of effort on both of your parts. Though it may be important to you it would be best to put the sexual intimacy off for now. She is not likely to respond and engaging in it may be a step back emotionally for her. Begin to slowly work towards physical intimacy such as a hug or kiss. Communicate as best you can but don’t go overboard in deep discussions. Seek counsel for you both. You will likely need help in all of this. You are just at the start of your journey back to a happy marriage. Be caring and consistent for her feelings. Keep your confidence up and be as positive around her as you can be. Good luck.

hitrockbottom · 06-09-2008, 11:32 AM

Yeah thanks..she is not one for Counseling..she had a hard past w/her mom in counseling...and then being admitted as well as watching me go through that with her mom So I asked she said no.
As for the list it is as Stone as I can make it...I am leaving town for the weekend to clear my head.
I invited her but doubt that she will come, but I wanted her to feel welcome.
I hate walking this tight rope.
I wrote her today...simple letter but just about the weekend we had. Wanted to let her know she was on my mind but not be pushy toward her at the same time....thanks guys I will probably be back here more to ramble
Just sitting @the shop working on GSD and Taxes. I started Missing you. I'm so Use to seeing you here. So I wanted to just write you let you know that I do love you and I am still holding on to what little I have to hold onto. Your amazing shelly. Watching you sleep yesterday you were more Beautiful then I could imagine. (which is why I took that pic.) The basement was lonely last night I kept having dreams about you again....started good then would go bad and I would wake up in a sweat. Thanks for the weekend I enjoyed hearing you laugh and seeing the smile on your face.
I want to take you on a date again. Maybe the dollar movie or somewhere Cheap.
If you can, I know your busy just let me know. I had fun when we went to see Dr Sues last time, so I'm down for kids movie and bringing the Boys along.

I think they had fun w/me Sunday. Hope you enjoy your Shiny car...not if that stuff for the rearview will work but I am going to look for something else.
I love you
Miss you
and hate seeing you so hurt.

Bradley.

draconis · 06-09-2008, 11:53 AM

You are on the right track and I think you are doing the right things. Give it time and kudos for your effort.

draconis

hitrockbottom · 06-10-2008, 10:12 AM

Update:

First off I can't sleep at all. The basement sucks, I feel just as far from my wife as I did when I wasn't at the house. In the back of my mind I want to just go up stairs and just sleep in the room, in my Bed with out her permission. But, I know that won't help and I am trying to be courteous to her emotions.

Last night I left her alone while she worked and made the initiative to cook her dinner, As I always do even through this whole mess.

Then I went to the store I took her Nephews along, whom she basically has raised, due to there mom being a druggy. This last year or two I have shut my self off from her nephews, refusing to help with them because I was afraid to get attached to them, Why I don't know..maybe due to my past and my mom adopting terminally ill kids, me getting attached and them dying a year later. All in all I had fun with them...there good kids just have no fatherly guidance....I bought stuff for the house and some educational stuff to help the youngest, he is behind in school because of again his mother.

I came home, my wife was still doing work so I left her alone again. This time before I shut the door instead of telling her I loved her all I could get out was I Miss you....I saw her look back as I shut the door.

I went down to the basement and worked out a little, got to stay fit incase she wants me back...won't help with a little extra 20lbs

....

I came back up and tucked her in...I asked if she didn't mind if I laid with her until she fell asleep, she didn't. I shared some of my feelings and for the first time in weeks she reached over and gave me her hand...It felt amazing...but at the same time I almost broke down because I knew this was only the Beginning.
I laid there for what seemed like forever, laying close to her, listening to her breathe.

Then out of respect I headed downstairs. That night I couldn't sleep. Even with the Sleeping pill I had taken. I was up every other hour, its been like that for weeks now...that I don't really eat. I had weird dreams and checked on shelly through out the night.

I can only hope that things start to get a little better. I Love her but she needs to find what makes her Happy first.

If you guys have any advice on anything my actions or not let me know. Thanks for letting me vent.

blind · 06-10-2008, 11:46 AM

I too think you are on the right track. As Amp mentioned, this will likely be a long road and you will need to find a way to be patient. It will take a while for Shelly to accept your changes and trust that they are here to stay. You must be consistent. She has been hurt through all of this and you need to understand that it will be hard for her to try and return to the marriage, especially if she is confused on what she wants. Again, this is where patience and consitent change is vital. Don't push her too hard right now. When my wife let me know how unhappy she was and that her feelings for me changed I pushed too much and made things worse. I absolutely understand the tight rope walk you are on and it isn't easy. But, you can do it. It is not a time to try and make her feel sorry for you. You need to be empathetic toward her while showing her you are committed to your changes and the marriage. In your letter I noted that you focused in part on you missing her and being lonely at work and in the basement. Don't be over the top with comments like that. In my opinion it is better to send the message that you want her to be happy in the marriage. Your changes are to better the marriage for both of you vs. just changing to keep from losing her. This needs to be about the marriage and not just about you, your hurt, your fear of losing her, etc. etc.

As for your sleep and eating, I also went through many sleepless nights and lost about 15 lbs from lack of eating. I don't regret losing the weight and also started working out. One thing that helped me sleep and focus at work is St. John's Wort. It can be picked up at your local GNC or other vitamin/supplement store. I wouldn't be surprised if the stress from all of this has affected your saratonin levels. St. John's Wort can help with that and is simply herbal. The better you can sleep the sharper you will be. Try to eat healthy also. My marital problems nearly got the best of me physically and emotionally. I found that as I felt better physically, I became stronger emotionally. My marriage is still in grave danger, but I'm generally getting stronger and will be a better person even if the worst happens.

My wife also lost herself in our marriage. She came to a point where she didn't know who she was, what she wanted, or what she liked to do. It sounds as though your wife may be at this point too. I agree with you that she needs to rediscover what makes her happy. Give her time with this also. Don't try to push her into things you think she will like. Support her as she tries to figure herself out. Your changes will help and hopefully your continued hard work will help her rediscover why she fell in love with you.

Find comfort in knowing you are doing the right thing. There are going to be many ups and downs. You'll get stronger and handle the down times better as time goes on. Stay the course and keep fighting to save your marriage. Best of luck to you and keep us posted. There are many caring people with good constructive and objective advice on this forum. Take advantage of that. You might also pick up The Five Languages of Love. I recommend that book to anyone in a relationship even if the relationship is strong.

Take care.

Blind

hitrockbottom · 06-10-2008, 04:17 PM

Thanks man..
I've been filling out my journal alot and the more I write the more I discover about myself...

Healing · 06-10-2008, 09:10 PM

I'm so touched by what you have written. I'm glad you have realised how much you love your wife. From what you write, there is definitely HOPE still and your actions will eventually win back her trust.

Keep on being sincere and writing that journal, I wish you the best of luck! I can only wish that my husband found it as easy to express his feelings to me.

draconis · 06-11-2008, 12:06 AM

What you are going through isn't unusual, I lost 40 pounds in nine months, couldn't sleep etc. Time did heal the wounds but only when I started to do things for myself like go to the gym. It didn't correct problems but I started to feel I could make it, got my independence and confidence back and slowly got away from the depression.

best wishes keep us up to date.

I pray for you.

draconis