marriage and the military

ilovetexas · 06-09-2008, 12:43 PM

hi
i found this place and it has been somewhat helpful
but my husband is in the military and the problems that come up for a military spouse are different in ways
is anyone here a military spouse or has been in the military
i can give a discription of us any advice will be appreciated and sorry if its too long

we got married when we were 22 and had only know each other about a month, have been married for nearly 15 years we have no children and have lived through 2 deployments
the first deployment in 1996 did some damage to our marriage but we were able to fix it
he was deployed again for a year in 2003 and we have been dealing with the fallout of being apart for a year and trying to make our marriage close again sense 2004 when he came back
it hasnt been working we kept thinking that time would heal us but it hasnt it, we just keep drifting further apart
we are looking into marriage therapy because we cant seem to make it better
he shut me out completely sense he came back and did alot of dumb finacial decisions that we are dealing with now
actually he shut off all his emotions because of what he dealt with in iraq
and i had to over come depression and stress and fear for his life that year then try to live with a person that was not the same person who left for a year
for about 2 years i was living with a stranger
and like so many other people we have turned into room mates we dont have sex we sleep in differnt rooms
we had talked about our problems over and over and nothing changed i tried so hard for 4 years and then i just had it i got tired of being the only one keeping us out of debt and started resenting him
i got tired of him not being there for me when i was sad or worried about the health of my mother and i wasnt sure if i could grow old with someone who never touched me or wanted sex
so i was going to leave and move back home to be near my parents and see if maybe separation could help us
well he was heart broken and showed more emotion to me than i had seen sense before he deployed and he asked me to stay and try one more time
i couldnt stand to hurt him so i didnt leave
but im still hurting and im still angry i dont know if therapy will help but im gonna try
i havent given up all hope but darn close why did it take me leaving for him to finally hear what i had been saying for 4 years
i dont want to stay for the wrong reasons but then i dont want to leave for the wrong reasons either
and we are such differnt people than we were when we got married because of growing older plus deployments change people alot too
anyway any advise will help thanks for listening

swedish · 06-09-2008, 01:16 PM

I don't have any experience with being in the military or being a military spouse, but I can only imagine how difficult life became for him when he returned and your feelings of being unloved/unsupported in the midst of this no doubt caused you resentment.

I really think counseling is a good idea for you both and I'm glad you haven't given up all hope. Sometimes it does take drastic measures like you leaving to really get the wake up call needed to do something, especially if he's been feeling depressive.

My best to you both.

Russell · 06-10-2008, 09:51 AM

He has seen something horrible.

Thats the way I was with my wife after 911. However, I have since talked to her. He needs to talk to someone.

The problem is more something for him to deal with, and if you love him, you will stand by his side *in SICKNESS and in health*. He however has to realize there is a paroblem.

draconis · 06-10-2008, 10:09 AM

Although I was never in the military my mother and father were both in the military. It is a different life to be sure. It sounds like he is suffering from PTSD and should get help so that the marriage can move forward. My father still has flashbacks to this day of nam. So it doesn't always go aways but can be overcome with time and proper counciling.

draconis

amelia13 · 06-10-2008, 06:54 PM

Hi, I too am a military wife. Fairly fresh... but I'll lend my adivice anyway.

I agree with ^ that he sounds like he may be suffering from PTSD with the way he shut you out and how he made some bad financial situations.

I deffinately think you should still go through with marriage counseling. That might help, but it also might encourage him to be seen 1-on-1 with a therapist to discuss the possibility of PTSD.

I have a friend who's husband suffers from that and he has made leaps and bounds through therapy.

amelia13 · 06-10-2008, 06:57 PM

Also, if he is Navy/Marine, CREDO provides the marriage enrichment courses/retreats that may be helpful as well.

ilovetexas · 06-12-2008, 01:59 PM

THANK YOU everyone for listening and advise
me and my husband have talked about him having some form of ptsd before (also has problems sleeping sometimes) and talked about him getting someone to talk to or therapy of some sort just for him along with us trying some marriage counseling
the thing is we talk of it but nothing comes of it
i will wait and see what happens for now
the thing is we both believe he has ptsd but it is a mild form of it and it doesnt effect his work or family or friends
but it has made or marriage a mess ( we have other problems too but the deployment plust ptsd have made them worse)
when we have talked he said because of being deployed that he has changed from what he was and its just be something i have to deal with
he is showing emotions now but i have gotten so hurt and had my trust broken for so long i dont know how to deal
i have heard i will do anything to fix us and then nothing is fixed so often that i dont believe him anymore
i worry that we will grow to hate each other sometimes and i just dont want that
his work load is pretty heavy right now and i dont think he will want to talk about our problems or counseling right now and it doesnt do any good to talk if you arent in the right fram

e of mind in a week or so i may try again to talk about counseling
when do you know when enough is enough in a marriage? im not sure how much more is left in me to give
thank you again for listening

draconis · 06-20-2008, 02:04 AM

Remember that he didn't want this and the fact that he might have ptsd and so much. Even if he has so much at work he needs counciling and you both do as a couple. He needs to know like I found out the hard way in my first marriage that family has to come first today because there might not be a tomorrow.

draconis