Trying to figure out what to do about this marriage

lavetta31 · 06-10-2008, 10:33 AM

Hello all,

I am new to marriage talk and I stumbled upon this web site trying to find advice about marriage. And it seems from browsing the responses you all give good advice. I have a dilemma I am currently in and not sure what to do. I have been married for
5 years. We have been separated on and off during the 5 yrs that we have been together. We have 2 children together ages 4 and 9
. Just about a year ago we have got back together after being separated for a yr and a half. I felt I had to leave because our relationship became violent, so much so that I ended up in the hospital. We have not had a physical altercation like that since.
And I believed that he had changed after all the things that we
had been through during the time that we were separated. Also there were things in the marriage I felt needed to change before
I could come back to him, which I thought since I came back he had changed, (drinking, smoking weed, cigarettes, etc.). It seems gradually he is going back to those things. He was also irresponsible when it came to paying bills and I was usually not
working during the times that we were living together and he was the main provider. I have also found questionable material
online that would be enough to question his sexuality, he stays gone often when he is not at work and does not take us with him, which is the same thing we had a problem with before I left.
At this point if I leave I don't know where to go because I have moved to my mother's house so many times during our marriage and now there is no room at her house since she has other family members living there so there is no room for me and my 2 kids. We live in a nice area now and I would like to continue to keep the kids in a good environment, currently I am enrolled in school and my plan was to wait until I graduate before I leave that way I would have income. That won't be until a year from now, at this point I don't know if I could wait that long because I don't know what he could be exposing me to if he is out there experimenting. I don't know what to do. But it seems as if he tries to make it so I have to depend on him so that he has some type of hold on me to keep me here. I know I just said alot
but this is theraputic for me because I have no one else to talk to about this. My family have basically told me don't talk to them about it if I'm going to keep going back to him, and they can't stand him. I love my husband and that is why I keep coming back because I wish this marriage could work but it seems more like wishful thinking than reality. I'm afraid to investigate and find out what he is really doing because of how much it would hurt me if I knew. He has hurt me so much I don't think I can take anymore. I know I am not perfect but I have tried to be a good wife in spite of the fact that he has done some hurtful things to me. Please help me any one.

draconis · 06-10-2008, 10:47 AM

In the case that he is physically abusive you should have never went back. Even if not for yourself then for your children. What would of happened if he put one of them in the hospital or worse?

Get out and start over.

draconis

hitrockbottom · 06-10-2008, 11:17 AM

I don't think that love should be a reason to stay if has put you in the hospital before. If you were with out kids and made that decision that would be one thing but those kids are going to grow up seeing this. Possibly when they get older it will be turned to them.
As for his drinking and stuff that is a decision that he is going to have to make. I am currently battling with that myself, as well as trying to get my wife back to me, I wasn't violent toward her but I do have a rage issue...which I need to work on. My drinking I take one day at a time and have looked into AA. On my own of course...it showed that I want to take the initiative to better myself for my wife. What has he shown you? What starts these heated confrontations? and is it love or comfort of having income that you are really wanting to go back to?

swedish · 06-10-2008, 11:38 AM

So, if you stay you have a pretty difficult list to deal with:

history of violence
possibility of sexual experimentation outside the marriage
financially irresponsible
controlling behavior
substance abuse creeping back into his life
frequently absent from the home

On the other hand, the timing is not right for you to live on your own the way you'd like, but it sure sounds better than the above alternative to me.

Have you considered all of your options? What about getting a job/stable income and going to school part-time? Have you looked into loans for school? The hardship will be temporary because when you finish school, you should be in good shape.

For your own sanity and the sake of your kids, I'd be looking for ways to get out now. The fact that he has been violent in the past and that he is drinking, etc. again is a very disturbing combination for you and your kids.

lavetta31 · 06-10-2008, 01:33 PM

Thanks so much guys for your advice, in response to swedish,
if it were that easy to just find a job and leave I would, but in today's economy that is very difficult to do right now, that is why I have resorted to going back to school so that I can get a job that pays enough to cover a mortgage and 2 kids. Another thing is I have to worry about the fact that he will fight me for custody, I spanked my son once and he took him to the hospital because he thought that child protective services would be called by the school, which now I do regret the way
I did handled chastising my child and that will never happened again and I believe that related to the abuse that I was receiving from his father, so he has this on paper documented by protective services so that if I tried to battle him for custody he would use that against me. He has already expressed that he will take the kids from me if I leave.
Which would be possible since I never press charges against him for what he did to me. I wish that I could go back and change that now because now I reget not pressing charges against him. I guess its more so fear of what will happen if I leave.

swedish · 06-10-2008, 02:01 PM

I didn't mean to make light of you leaving. I understand it would be very difficult in your situation, but if it were me I'd be looking in that direction. You never know what's out there unless you do, but you can guarantee nothing will happen if you don't look.

At the very least, I would begin documenting all of his behavior. Keep a daily log of when he's not home (and not working) and make note if he does not tell you of his whereabouts. Keep a log of his drinking (that alone is grounds for divorce in some states) and if you can get some proof of what you found online, print it. If you have no choice but to stay, then at least when the time comes you are able to leave, you will have the most recent history of his (and your) situation as far as who is raising the kids and who is the responsible parent. And by all means if he does get violent, get out and file a report & press charges. I pray it doesn't come to that.

lavetta31 · 06-10-2008, 02:40 PM

For sure I will document everything now, and it has been come to me to record him or something just prove what it is that he is doing. I know that he is living a double life he shows every sign of it. It seems he puts more effort into doing the things that he shouldn't do and trying to hide it that is the reason why he does not have time to work on this marriage he does not want to be in it either because he does everything he can to try to escape from it and into his own world of the things that he wants to do. He feels that it should not have any effect on my behavior. I have been depressed that is the reason why I have been doing things to distract me from thinking about this, creating a hobbie such as making jewelry other than studying.
And finding forums like this one so that I could vent about my problems instead of holding this stuff in all the time. We have been to my paster to seek counseling and other marriage counselors and it seems his mind is made up and he has never been sincere from jump, it seems as if he does just what he wants to do in order to have control.

swedish · 06-10-2008, 02:50 PM

At this point, you would probably benefit from counseling on your own, just to help you with your depression, especially when you are feeling so trapped in this situation. If he's already off in la-la land and showing no signs of working on your marriage, you need to make sure you are safe if you are still having sex with him. I know you are afraid of what you will find and be hurt even more, but maybe you need that just so you can move on? The current situation doesn't seem good for you at all.