My Boyfriend cannot make boundary with his Ex wife
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Old 11-24-2013, 11:04 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My Boyfriend cannot make boundary with his Ex wife

I am a divorced single mom with a 12 years old son. After long time difficulties with my Ex during separation and divorce process, I got my divorce last year, and finally decided to start a new life, and new relationship .

So I started dating with a guy couple months ago . Since the beginning he told me he is separated 3 years ago , and has a 7 years old girl . He has a joint custody with his Ex-wife . Since the beginning of our dating he was telling me that the relationship between he and his Ex-wife is very friendly. At that time , I took that in a very positive way , and thought thatís very good that his wife is very supporting about his new relationship. But after passing couple months I recognized that their relationship is more complicated. They have just moved to two different places, but their life style has not been change at all. The only thing that they donít like about each other is just the romantic part as a partner, and in all other ways they still like each other , and emotionally are very attached with each other. They still going with each other to friendís party. chatting with each other every day, talking about every details in their life and the people they are dating.

And the big problem is that they have not talked about their separation with their child, by other world ,she does not know at all about her parentís situation , and this possibility that one day a new partner might come to her parents life.

Also my boyfriendís Ex-wife has been set a rule that I cannot meet their child before 6 month from our relationship, and after 6 months also she have to meet me at first and confirm me . Then I can meet their child. Because my boyfriendís custody day is in the begging of the week , so practically I cannot meet him at weekends (because he is with his child) . And at the same time she always asking my boyfriend to hang out with each other with their mutual friends . I should say that since the begging of our relationship with my B.F I told him that I am looking for the serious and long relationship. So, if he really wants to bring a new partner in his life he should make some boundaries with his Ex-wife. I told him, I am Ok with your co-parenting responsibilities, or any events that you need to be with your Ex as a co-parent , but I donít think going with her in the parties , which usually couples doing that is a healthy relationship.

I really have respect that he wants to have a friendly relationship with his Ex-wife because they are co-parent . But I think after separation, they have to give some space with each other , if they really want to starting a new life . Even it is much better for their child , because she also have to know the new situation in her parentís life , and accepting that , before a new person coming in her parentís life , unless she always will think that this woman is the one who took my Momís place , and she will never like her.

So, my BF somehow understands my concerns, but his Ex does not want to accept that at all. In the last couple months she has been tried in a lot of ways to bring him to the life style that they had before , Even she has been stimulate their mutual friends that telling my Ex that making these boundaries are very unusual and strange , and he should still hang out with her Ex without his girlfriend in parties. Like last time, she has been made a lot of troubles because my B.F did not go to her birthdayís party. She thinks keeping these boundaries are silly and very strict. And my problem is that my BF does not have at all any determination. He is telling me that he feels empathy with me, and also empathy with his Ex. I want that everybody be satisfy . And he does not know what is a fair boundary at all!! .

So , because of that he has been put me in a very difficult position. He transferring all of his conversation with his Ex to me , and want to know my opinion . Really I cannot concentrate on my own life any more, and at the same time I feel so heart broken , because I love him a lot. As a couple we have no problem with each other at all, but at the same time be involving with his life, and his problems with his Ex-wife is out of my limits. He is telling me that she is my friend and I cannot cut my friendship with her . When I telling him if you really like her ,and cannot get distance from her why you two not getting back to each other and making other peopleís life in this difficult situation? And he is telling me that I like her as friend , but I donít like her as partner !

Please helping me . I am really confused in between!! Do you think my boundaries that I asked my BF are too strict? I donít want to break up with him , but I just what to know how can I continue my relationship with my Boyfriend in this situation?
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:27 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Boyfriend cannot make boundary with his Ex wife

So, you can't see your BF on the weekends, you can not meet his child. He and his Ex Wife still are together socially and you have no say.

It almost sounds like he has an open marriage with his wife and you are the other woman? Have you spoken to the wife or is it all what he is telling you? You should probably start making a stand for what you want or the relationship is unlikely to change in the long term.

That or cut your loses and seek out a less complicated situation!
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:31 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Boyfriend cannot make boundary with his Ex wife

I think you have a double thread I posted in the other one, but just in case you are reading this one i will quote myself:

puff, what a difficult situation for you.

I would tell you that if in the future he does not begin to give you priority over his ex the more healthy for you will be cut all ties with him, otherwise most likely they will end in bed, betraying their new partners, if they have that close emotionally relationship it will just take they being drunk, one being drepressed, or one making a move over the other to jump in bed.

I mean, I can believe that they really think that they don't like each other physically (or not at least enough to be horny thinking in each other), but sex is not always about physical attraction, emotional closeness is always a factor that make people seek physical interaction, that is what make best friends from opposite sex to jump in bed.

even worst in the future they may suddendly decide that they want to be together again a drop their new partners, and the problem is that everyone around them will encourage this for the sake of their child and their family.
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Boyfriend cannot make boundary with his Ex wife

Thank you my friend for your nice comment. Well, actually after I told to my B.F that not meeting her Ex in parties , He has been kept his promise, but at the same time he still feels guilty about that , and think that his Ex and his mutual friends think this is very strange that you are not any more want to hang out with your Ex in parties! They say it is very normal that to be friend with Ex, and my request is very silly ! I really don't know is that too much to ask my B.F to get some distance from her ? Not meeting her outside their painting duties?
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Old 11-25-2013, 12:57 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My Boyfriend cannot make boundary with his Ex wife

Thank you my friend. Yes, by mistake I think I posted two time . I got your nice comments , and replied that in other post


Quote:
Originally Posted by manticore View Post
I think you have a double thread I posted in the other one, but just in case you are reading this one i will quote myself:

puff, what a difficult situation for you.

I would tell you that if in the future he does not begin to give you priority over his ex the more healthy for you will be cut all ties with him, otherwise most likely they will end in bed, betraying their new partners, if they have that close emotionally relationship it will just take they being drunk, one being drepressed, or one making a move over the other to jump in bed.

I mean, I can believe that they really think that they don't like each other physically (or not at least enough to be horny thinking in each other), but sex is not always about physical attraction, emotional closeness is always a factor that make people seek physical interaction, that is what make best friends from opposite sex to jump in bed.

even worst in the future they may suddendly decide that they want to be together again a drop their new partners, and the problem is that everyone around them will encourage this for the sake of their child and their family.
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