General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Quick summary: H that doesn't see the problem in our marriage, mostly because it has to do with the way he treats others (including me).
The update: I got him to counseling. (it was either that or a mediator) This was no small feat! We are signed up for a 'together' session weekly, and one individual session each week.
We have completed 2 weeks.
When will it start to feel like we are on the path to healing, and maybe even falling back in love?
Re: We are in counseling... When does it start to look up?
I'd like you to know someone understands ... I posted a 'desperate plea' last night, directly related to not knowing how long my OH thinks it'll be before he starts to feel more confident about our relationship. Nada by way of replies (yet!)
I'm thinking of posting in the sex subforum because he'll be here tonight & I certainly don't feel very much like rumpy pumpy given our last communication
I think your serious answers will say 'everyone's different'. True but it won't help you of course. I'd say it rather depends on how serious or trivial the issues were that brought you to counselling and how much 'tweaking' either of you need to make to achieve any kind of change. Maintaining that change so both of you feel comfortable longer term - well that's the million dollar question.
Re: We are in counseling... When does it start to look up?
GoDucks, It depends on many things in regard to how fast things will start to improve.
My question is how do you feel about this counselor? Don't settle on one counselor if they don't feel right or if you aren't seeing results after a reasonable amount of time. As a coach, I hate to say it, but some coaches/counselors would prefer to drag the sessions out (Job security you know).
I have a program that will show fairly immediate results, especially in regard to how you are each being treated. It's eight weeks that might cut through the need for expensive counseling all together, or at least be an amazing supplement that will help cut through some major months of spending so much time and effort without seeing progress.
Re: We are in counseling... When does it start to look up?
My husband and I saw a counsellor for a few sessions but the reality was that my husband didn't feel like he needed to change anything. He wasn't invested in the process so it had no effect. Unfortunately you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.
From your earlier post it sounds like your husband has been very disconnected for awhile now. It may take a big shock to wake him up to what he's missing out on and unfortunately from my experience, counselling may not do it.
Re: We are in counseling... When does it start to look up?
It was 5 or 6 joint sessions before we really got down to the nitty gritty (we’ve been married for 3 years, together for 8) and H realized that our problems were very real to me. We started out the same as you in that he didn’t want to attend and went begrudgingly thinking I was the one with the problems simply because I was the one struggling. I’d say the sixth session (we went weekly) was rock bottom and then we were able to begin rebuilding but it wasn’t pretty. It will get much worse before it gets better but it needs to in order to get better. We are still working on things nearly a year later though we stopped going to counseling after 12 sessions due to insurance reasons.
Re: We are in counseling... When does it start to look up?
it took years for the marriage to deteriorate, it will take a proportionate amount of time to get it back on track. my rule of thumb is that it its about six to one... six year of angst are going to take about a year of weekly sessions to resolve, but if you're not seing progress after six to eight sessions then one of you is not participating.
and if it comes down to cable or counseling because the insurance runs out... welll, it's an easy decision for me... I don't have a television, but the point is if your priority is saving the marriage, you can find something to cut in the budget.
Re: We are in counseling... When does it start to look up?
Thank you for all the input! Glad I asked again.
Tiredofthedrama - you nailed the description (imho) of my H's motivation to go. It's horrible, but I have asked him straight up if he's just going to get me to quit asking, or if he realizes we need some serious improvement... he is now saying he knows. So, I'm hopeful there.
Hunt - interesting notion! I'd say we've been in a tough spot (not this bad, but not a great marriage) for about 6 years (coincides with parenthood, really)... I'm ok with working hard for a year. We had 8 great years prior to kids...
HappyHer - I will read the link... Honestly, I think the guy we found is GREAT! I think the fact that I didn't know him is an advantage, and he's been doing this 35 years.
According to the counselor (and I agree), my H approaches every relationship as a manipulation (rather than negotiation), so it's hard to get change from him with his *actual* buy-in.
I can already tell this is going to be a rough journey. This week's sessions were far from fun. It's hard to come home those evenings. I don't even want to see H, especially after my solo session.
Re: We are in counseling... When does it start to look up?
That's good news. Counseling can bring up some not so pretty feelings and sometimes it seems it creates more distance/turmoil - kind of like cleaning out a closet as far as it getting dirtier before it gets clean.
Hang in there though and I'm sure things are going to work out great for you!
Re: We are in counseling... When does it start to look up?
I'm not happy with the term "manipulator" becuase it is judgmental, and when you're judging you're not looking to yourself for solutions to your problems but blaming others for their irreducible existence.
but knowing that your husband is very focused on getting what he wants and appreciating the tools that he uses towards that end can be an extraordinary insight for you... if the tool he uses is guilt, examine your traditional response and change it... in otherwords, make the tool ineffective and he will soon stop using it. if is tool is to become strident in argument so as to overpower you and force a concession, learn how to walk away without conceeding, by letting him know the matter will not be resolved in any way so long as he is strident and overbearing, you take a way the effectiveness of the tool and... sometimes it takes a while, but he will stop using it.
at the same time, show him the tools and techniques that you respond to... if one of them is mirroring (great tool, getting the love you want) show him that it works. take something easy that you already are willing to do and have him go through the mirroring process and then... bingo,.. agree. then start using it on more issue, and tougher issues, eventually he will learn bombast doesn't work anymore and that communication is very effective.
it's sort of like teaching a kid to say please... you withold the treat until they say please and then you give it to them.
so.... don't respond in the old ways to his old tools, and teach him that you will respond, if not always positively at least always respectfully and lovingly, to the new ways.
We are in counseling... When does it start to look up? 
