General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello everyone I'm a new user so I hope this is going in the correct catagory.
I have had access to my wife's Facebook account for a couple of years now without her knowledge. On the whole there has not been much for me to be concerned with, but I am not sure if this has now changed.
Recently she recieved a friend request from an old sexpartner. This relationship she had was years before we met and was purely sexual- no emotional attatchment. He was and still is married. My wife was 17 when this happened.
Anyway, she accepted this request and has since stopped the automatic email alerts about new Fb messages going to our joint email acc. This is worrying.
She has no idea that I know her password on her FB acc.
There has been no communication between her and the new friend as yet but I notice that she has been browsing thru his profile pics a couple of times.
Now I am a reasonable person and understand we all have pasts and can understand the curiosity in seeing what people from days gone by are up to. She has a few many male friends on ther and I have no problem with this. BUT my insticnt tells me this is not a nice chap she is now friends with and will be contacting her to start up where they left off.
She has spoken on Fb to one of her female friends of old about him in a purely 'can u believe it?' way but that is all.
So my question is what do you think I should do? I have no reason to question my wifes fidelity in the past (13yrs) so really would like to leave things to run as they will. Should I bring up this matter with her? I do not mind admitting that I have had access to her account - I suspect if anyone, male or female, was in my position they would have popped into there spouses account now and again jsut to see what they were doing.
Should I let things run there course and see what happens?
I am very sorry that you don't trust and respect your woman enough not to invade her privacy like that. Although it seems harmless since she doesn't know and we all at times are tempted to snoop it does not, however, give us the right. But I am not here to bash your morals I want to share my advice to you regarding your post. It does not seem like there is anything to worry about based on what you read and learned so far but if you wholeheartedly think that some-thing's going on you should confront her generally and talk to her. You may not want to reveal that you have been snooping in her account otherwise it may bring up other problems just stop snooping. You could also wait for other signs. She will act different in other ways if she's being deceitful. You many not like that she regained contact with her old flame but those type of behaviors should be addressed early on as a relationship no-no and perhaps you should get your own facebook account to see who her friends are in a legit way and base your suspicions on what is seen publicly. Hope this helps.
OK thank you for your thoughts, I welcome anyones opinion wether it is hard to hear or not.
I genuinely have always trusted my wife, the snooping in on her account has been nothing in the past other than curiosity. I am not sure anyone will see a difference between the two here tho.
Why would she suddenly stop allowing email alerts go to our email address if there was no reason to be concerned?
Well she must not want you to be aware that she has reconnected with this person knowing she may have to explain the inappropriateness of it. But if it is obvious that stopped the alerts ask her about that too. Say "hey I've noticed a decline in your facebook alerts, what's up with that?". Be plain faced and matter of factlyish. If you know what I mean.
going to chim in.. ok the alerts well i stopped mine because more friends more e-mails and a pain.
but yes you could mention the alerts or if a joint account ask to get on with her and find some one you know... if you have your own well that will not work but i am very keen on being up front..
ask her about it if you really want to know, i mean i logged in to computer and your account was still up type of thing (my kids do it all the time to our computer) and you have a list of friends i noticed **** was one of them. ?? something in that line.
it may be innocent and stay that way (i have friends from school some i had crushes on and it is just interesting to see where there at) she had more with this one and you have to feel comfortable..
or pick the other way and keep snooping (till she changes her pass word and that will get you) or following her or just letting your mind race and drive yourself nutty.
My wife would be devestaed if I were to be in touch with anyone from my past. It was one of the reasons we moved towns after getting together seriously.
I am very sorry that you don't trust and respect your woman enough not to invade her privacy like that. Although it seems harmless since she doesn't know and we all at times are tempted to snoop it does not, however, give us the right. But I am not here to bash your morals I want to share my advice to you regarding your post. It does not seem like there is anything to worry about based on what you read and learned so far but if you wholeheartedly think that some-thing's going on you should confront her generally and talk to her. You may not want to reveal that you have been snooping in her account otherwise it may bring up other problems just stop snooping. You could also wait for other signs. She will act different in other ways if she's being deceitful. You many not like that she regained contact with her old flame but those type of behaviors should be addressed early on as a relationship no-no and perhaps you should get your own facebook account to see who her friends are in a legit way and base your suspicions on what is seen publicly. Hope this helps.
I agree with this. I would be furious to learn that my husband was snooping on my account. Esp. if I have never given him a reason or a cause to snoop.
And here is another thing to think about. Since she has not made any moves toward this man, it does seem like her intentions with him are innocent. But if you come along and reveal that you have been snooping in her account and your are upset about this man--well that may just put ideas in her head that are not there. I know if I found out that my hubby was snooping on my FB and how he is upset about a male FB friend--well I would almost be tempted to give him something to really worry about. Don't give her any reason or excuse to drive her into the arms of this man.
OK thank you for your thoughts, I welcome anyones opinion wether it is hard to hear or not.
I genuinely have always trusted my wife, the snooping in on her account has been nothing in the past other than curiosity. I am not sure anyone will see a difference between the two here tho.
Why would she suddenly stop allowing email alerts go to our email address if there was no reason to be concerned?
Thanks again
I put a stop to e-mail alerts going to my e-mail box, because I was getting tons of e-mail alerts and had to dig through the FB stuff. So now I just check my alerts when I log on to FB.
But surely it is an issue now that I know? (no matter how I know)
The email alerts were few and far between, we only use email occasionaly and have no more than about 12-15 a week to read/delete so the cluttering up our inbox just isnt the reason.
It is only an issue because you are making it an issue. You are allowing your imagination to run wild with possibilities instead of seeking the truth and just asking your wife, who has supposedly never given you a good reason not to trust her. It is you who has betrayed your wife’s trust not the other way around. Ask her straight up, you will be able to tell if she’s hiding something. Did the friend request notification reach your email inbox prior to her canceling the update emails? If so you have a legitimate reason for knowing about the request and a legitimate reason for asking. So ask her. If not simply ask her why the facebook emails stopped coming. And then stop snooping! If not because you value your wife’s trust then to keep from driving yourself unnecessarily crazy.
James, I have a different perspective on this than the others. My wife has a FB account (I do not), and one of the stipulations was I get the password (we also know the passwords to the other's email, phones, etc. And no, I don't look at my wife's FB account and email very often, just like I doubt she reads my email at all. If she does read it every day, or several times a day, that's fine. I have nothing to hide.). This is not an unreasonable request and ensures accountability and an open and honest marriage. Your wife shouldn't be sending posts or messages that she wouldn't want you to read. For all of you who think this an invasion of privacy -- 25% of affairs today start via contact made on social networking sites. If you don't believe that, just ask any marriage counselor. And yes, I do realize that most spouses can have an unmonitored account and not cheat. But I also know some individuals who were in good marriages and didn't think they would ever cheat, only to find out later how wrong they were. Anyone can become involved in a affair under the right circumstances, and one of the required elements is secrecy.
I'm a little uncomfortable with the snooping. I would simply ask her for the password. If she doesn't have access to all of your electronic media, you should be willing to provide it, because you shouldn't be hiding anything either.
My wife and I have Facebook accounts, e-mail accounts, etc. I do NOT know her passwords and she does NOT know mine. We trust each other implicitly as neither of us has ever been given a reason to not trust each other. I have Ex's on my facebook and she does as well.
Unless your wife has ever given you a reason to not trust her with her fidelity, you need to back off from her. Your "lying" just as bad as she is "lying" because she does not know you are snooping and that you know her password. How is what she is supposibly "doing" much worse then what you are doing by accessing her stuff without her knowledge?
You seem to have some self confidence issues if the fact that her simply re-connecting with someone from her past bothers you that much. IMO
You seem to have some self confidence issues if the fact that her simply re-connecting with someone from her past bothers you that much. IMO
That's a pretty ridiculous comment, considering the man in question was banging james' wife when his wife was 16 and he was 20+ years older. This wouldn't bother you? What kind of 30+ something y/o man looks for a 16 y/o as sex partner?
What is acceptable on Facebook? 
ok the alerts well i stopped mine because more friends more e-mails and a pain.
I agree with this. I would be furious to learn that my husband was snooping on my account. Esp. if I have never given him a reason or a cause to snoop. 
