My trust issues... I'm jaded.
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Old 06-25-2010, 09:37 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy My trust issues... I'm jaded.

I don't think I will ever be able to trust a man. Ever.

There are so many opportunities to cheat and so many sexual outlets that I don't see how men can stay faithful for more than a week at a time. Even if they manage not to physically touch someone, inappropriate texting and phone calls can still constitute as cheating.

I'm only 23 and I think about this so often that it's making me bitter, pessimistic, and incredibly negative to the point that I almost don't even want to be in a relationship ever again, much less get married. My dad was/is a lying cheater and my last boyfriend of over five years was/is a lying cheater so I haven't had the best experiences.

My current boyfriend of about six months wouldn't surprise if he turned out to be the same way. He hasn't cheated to my knowledge, and says he never would (like I haven't heard that before) but I can't believe a word he says. I want to trust him when he says he loves me and would never touch someone else, but I'm so afraid of him betraying me that I feel it's easier to assume he is cheating or will cheat, because then at least I won't be surprised by it and then maybe not as heartbroken. I just don't believe anyone will ever be able to truly remain faithful to me.

I realize, and will fully admit, that I'm seriously freaking jaded... and that it's unfair of me to assume that no man will ever stay faithful to me even though I am 99% certain that I can go my entire life without ever cheating on anyone. It just seems so impossible for someone to treat me the same way that it's not even worth wishing for.

I guess the point of all this is that I want to know... How do the rest of you people go through life trusting someone not to cheat on you, knowing how much temptation is out there? And I'm talking about truly trusting them--never snooping or checking up on them, just honestly believing that they love and respect you enough to be faithful. How do you think like that? Is it seriously possible to have that mindest, especially when you've been cheated on before?

To me it just seems ridiculously naive to think someone could actually go your entire relationship, potentially 50+ years together, without touching someone else. I see threads on here and other forums all the time where people are heartbroken because their spouse cheated on them and all I can think is, DUH!!! Almost everyone cheats at some point. Maybe humans weren't meant to be monogamous. Maybe we shouldn't even try to be... it's not worth all the heartache.

I can't stand it. I don't know how to live my life without feeling so negative about relationships. I'm terrified of committment because I know that no matter how great I try to treat my boyfriend/fiance/future husband, at one point (or several points) he's going to break my heart just because he saw some other hot piece of ass he couldn't resist. I feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do to prevent this; I feel like even if it was possible to be a PERFECT woman (which I know it's not), I would still be cheated on.

What's even the point of trusting and hoping, really??
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Old 06-25-2010, 09:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

i am the same age & have trust issues myself. i am dealing with the fact that my husband had a slip up one night & kissed another girl. so i know how it feels to be cheated on.

all i can say is that the best advice i got was that you cant prevent something from happen. you cant harp on the fact that he COULD cheat on you. yes, he could cheat on you. you could also cheat on him. everyone is capible of cheating. the more you dwell on it & talk about it (IDK if you voice these things to him or not, but thats what i did) you are eventually going to push him away from you.

the best thing you can do is to deal with things as they come. get those negative thoughts out of your head. if he cheats on you.. deal with it then. but he hasnt cheated on you & he might not cheat on you. be happy & focus on the now. no what if's....
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Old 06-25-2010, 09:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

munchkin, you're pretty intuitive for a 23 year-old. I'm sure that's due to your experiences. You can read my posts and see where I stand on opposite sex relationships and openness in marriage. The bottom line is this: Anyone can cheat given the right circumstances. You need to find someone who doesn't have a problem with you monitoring their texts, email, social networking accounts, etc. Not saying you have to monitor them everyday, but the option is there. Considering that 40 - 50% of marriages will be affected by infidelity, this isn't an unreasonable precaution. If your bf or future husband thinks its OK to have accounts to which you are not allowed access in the name of privacy, what he's really saying is "I might want to keep secrets from you". Privacy is fine in the bathroom, but a husband or wife has a right to know to who their spouse has opposite sex conversations with and the context of those conversations. Some will say, people will do what they're going to do and there is nothing you can do about it. Don't believe it. If that were true we wouldn't need locks for our cars or homes.
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Old 06-25-2010, 10:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

hopelessly, I'm sorry you find yourself dealing with that situation. Please don't think I'm being judgmental, but if he had not put himself in a one on one situation with another woman, there would not have been a slip up. You agree that everyone is capable of cheating, so why not put precautions in place to prevent it from happening? Has he agreed to any new boundaries?
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Old 06-25-2010, 10:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

Is it possible that the type of guy you are attracted to could also fit the mold of a person who is likely to cheat?

Some things that are bad for us are very attractive. And some guys/gals that are really cool to hang out with and are very attractive can make really lousy mates.

Maybe look for patterns in the guys you've dated, and make sure that you take time to really know somone before you get too serious next time.

I think you are right that going 50 years with no issues is close to impossible. Very observant for such a young kid.

50% of marriages don't last. That stat doesn't include all the normal dating relationships that are short lived and never get to marriage. And then, even the 50% of us that make it still have our share of problems, which often include infidelity. There will always be temptations to stray.

So - if I make it to year 50 - maybe if I'm lucky I'll look back and see 47 years that were good to great, and 3 that were lousy. Maybe that's actually as good as it gets.
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Old 06-25-2010, 11:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

Munchkin, I guess it all ends up if your both honest with each other and don't hide things about wishes, needs, wants, desires, etc. My wife and I both come from broken homes and we know what it feels like and that it can happen.

But you will also have to realize that not everyone is the same and we are all different. You cannot say that just because someone cheated on you once that everyone will cheat on you. IMO it's horrible to halo your experiences that happened with someone else on a current relationship. That's dooming it to fail because you will never trust them even when you have no reason to not to trust them. That kind of view is the exact same thing to how views like racism, etc start. Because of a bad experience you or someone had once everything in the future is tinted because you expect them ALL to be that way.

Honestly if you are feeling like that, i'd say it's best to not be in a relationship at all. If you are not truly able to trust someone, your better off staying by yourself until you can get to a point you can trust someone. Your views will tint everything you do with that person and you will begin to not like them. Or, because of your constant mistrust, they may not want to be with you anymore.

We are all shaped by our past, that is true. But we do NOT have to be DEFINED by our past.
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Old 06-25-2010, 02:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

Hey munchkin,
So i am the same age as you and have been with my BF for about 7yrs. There has been cheating moments back when we first started dating, and YES it sucks, it hurts, and I HATE it. For the longest time i have thought the same things as you...What if it happens again? Is he still doing it? Well after all these yrs and us still being together and now with a 1yr old son I STILL think it sometimes. it will always be something in the back of my head because it has happened. Its also very hard when a previous boyfriend has done it because it kind of ruins it for the next guy, you automatically think that he might do it to you and like you said you just want to prepare your self if it does. but my advise to you is you have to let it go, as hard as it might seem you do because just think of it the other way around...your dating this guy and his EX cheated on him so he thought that you were going to do it too....so he always asks you and bugs you about it...youd start to get irritated right? You dont want to push your boyfriend now away because of your EX's wrong doing. There are guys out there that dont to that and there completely honest and trust worthy and if that guy comes around (your BF now) you dont want to loose him because you constantly think hes cheating. And also I look at it as if it does happen or if its going to happen theres nothing that you can do about it. If they have intentions to do it they will. I personally think girls are manipulative, and they will always have power of a guy. but if a guy truly loves you he wont get pulled in and if he does...Its his loss for doing it, cause he just lost a good thing!!! I wish you the best and hope that you can over come this, and like I always say I can trust someone till they do something wrong. Dont punish some one else!! Good luck grl.
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Old 06-25-2010, 03:14 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

Have you ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder?

Its one thing to wonder every now, and then about such things; its another of obsess about it without anything in the present to justify it. If you don't have an anxiety disorder, then you need to find some way to get a handle on your relationship ghosts or they will continue to harm your future relationships.
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Old 06-25-2010, 03:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

we had been going through a very rough patch. constant fighting. he was drinking a lot and he was at a very public bar that we go to all the time. so they werent alone. but regardless, he did put himself in that situation.

without going into detail changes have been made and i see it in a lot of different ways. other than me still having a tough time coping with it, things have been looking very positive. in a way... it was a way for us to start over. i dont know what is going to happen but as of today, right now... things are looking promising.
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Old 06-25-2010, 10:31 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopelessly_devoted View Post
he was drinking a lot
Hopefully this is one of the changes he's agreed to, since being drunk will definitely affect good judgment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopelessly_devoted View Post
and he was at a very public bar that we go to all the time. so they werent alone.
If he wasn't around anyone who has influence in his life, ie, someone he wouldn't want to be seen by while kissing this woman, then he was alone with her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hopelessly_devoted View Post
without going into detail changes have been made and i see it in a lot of different ways.
If those changes don't include boundaries to prevent the scenario that led to the kissing, this could very well happen again. He has already shown you he will cheat given the right circumstances (just like anyone else).

I wish you the best in your recovery, and hope there is healing in this relationship.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:04 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

Thank you all very much... Reading your responses helped me more than I can express. I've had a change of heart and decided to just TRUST HIM (my current BF) as he has done nothing wrong and is very loving and supportive of me.

Now I just have to work on banishing negative thoughts the second they creep into my head; they're really silly and unfounded but they pop up all the time. I just have to keep telling myself that no amount of worrying and wondering will determine whether or not he's going to cheat on me.

Thanks again, all.

Last edited by munchkin; 06-30-2010 at 10:04 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:15 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

I think the truely hard part in relationships is finding someone with the same morals as you. That really is the key. There are just as many cheating women out there as there are men. The key is finding someone who is at the same place in their life as you are and who has a strong values and integrity.
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Old 07-01-2010, 09:10 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

Wow, I'm so glad I posted on here. I never thought I'd receive such profound, thoughtful responses. I even received a very helpful PM about this issue.

All of you have helped me so much and I really feel like I can conquer my demons now. Thank you guys so much!
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Old 07-01-2010, 09:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

You're a chick and you're worried about HIS cheating opportunities?

I'm not a bad looking guy. Pretty personable. Do you know how many times a woman has hit on me in my life? You could EASILY count them on your two hands. And I'm old. How many times do you get hit on in a DAY?

Read more posts. Men have ZERO more propensity to cheat than a woman.
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Old 07-01-2010, 09:28 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My trust issues... I'm jaded.

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You're a chick and you're worried about HIS cheating opportunities?

I'm not a bad looking guy. Pretty personable. Do you know how many times a woman has hit on me in my life? You could EASILY count them on your two hands. And I'm old. How many times do you get hit on in a DAY?

Read more posts. Men have ZERO more propensity to cheat than a woman.
Huh???

Most statistics are in rough agreement -
# 22 percent of married men have strayed at least once during their married lives.

# 14 percent of married women have had affairs at least once during their married lives.

So based on that, Men have a statistically higher chance of cheating then a woman does. As a guy, I never had a problem finding a date or a woman. I'm no Brad Pitt, but between my humor, personality and self-confidence I was always able to have no problems finding dates. I have no doubt if I wanted to cheat I could go out tonight and find someone willing to have sex with me.

For the guy it's not about letting her hit on you, but you hitting on her first. Disarming her, making her feel special, then going in for the "kill". You just have to know your "target". You can unfortunately find those kind of people easily if you are looking in the "right" places.

That being said, that kind of person is NOT the kind of person you'd take home to your parents. That kind of woman is one who is in pain, hurting or has other issues. Doing it this way will not land you a strong, proud woman. It's simply almost like a hunter seeking out the wounded animal. And by doing that to the lady, you are being an a-hole, but they are out there...
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