smothered wife

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and have 2 lovely children. Altho we have had our ups and downs I think we have had a pretty good relationship. However.... he is so affectionate it is driving me crazy!! We have a good sex life and he says he is happy with it. But he does think that in general I am not affectionate enough and thinks that I don't love him because I don't show enough affection?? I do give him affection but he just wants to be glued together. He can't walk past me without touching me and he wants me to be the same. He also can't just have a cuddle without trying to go the whole hog! His constant touching and smothering makes me pull away and avoid him which I don't like doing and it then makes him think I don't love him.... so I most of the time I try and grit my teeth and let him smother me... Its just driving me mad. We have had marriage counselling and things were slightly better but he doesn't seem to get it!! I am concerned because I think it will result in me leaving him at some point in years to come which I don't want to happen. We constantly argue about this one subject and I hate it! I don't understand why he can't just enjoy what we have, be happy and go put all his affectionate energy into something more constructive. Hoping for some advice......please.

OhGeesh

If it wasn't for the marriage counseling part I would ask if you were my wife?

We play and goof alot.......I mess with her constantly.....

How's Hot and Sexy doing?
How's the hottest woman in XXXX doing?
Did the paparazzi leave yet?
Don't go outside in that the neighbors are gonna go ballistic?
I'm lucky?

I could go on and on and on!! I've told her and just about everyone knows my goal for the day is to score!! There is rarely a day that I don't want my wife. We've been together for 15yrs+ and I'm still hooked............

She is sort of like you.........we have fun.....but after awhile she like "Stop groping me!" and I'll apologize she says "You don't have to apologize, but you don't have grap my butt or squeeze everything everytime you get near me either."

Of course she says this smiling and smirking, but I know my incessant need to alway touch, feel, and score all the time doesn't always coinside with her wants.

With that said I would never leave my wife!! It's her that makes me crazy not just a "woman" good luck hopefully your husband is the same.

lissy73

smothered wife:

I totally understand your frustrations. I deal with the very same things every day. I used to get mad at myself because there are lots of women out there that get no attention from their husbands. I felt like I should be grateful that my husband loves me and finds me attractive. But after awhile it gets very annoying. I'm dealing with other childish/controlling behaviors in my marriage right now. And constant groping is childish (imho). I also distance myself from cuddling or any other kind of affection because it's never just cuddling. I also grit my teeth and grin and bear it. If I ask him to stop he threatens to never touch me again. I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than maybe positive reinforcement for the few times he may cuddle or hug without feeling you up.

Deejo

Clarify please:

Is he a selfish SOB pawing like a high school kid or is he generally well mannered, respectable, dedicated provider who you percieve as emotionally needy?
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franklinfx

Im guessing he was a touchy horndog before you married him, and you probably loved the attention then, but now, that your married, youve lost interest in sex, like most women, and his constant touching is annoying. You know, these problems could be avoided, if you ladies would be honest with men before the wedding,that you will really have no interest in sex w/ us, after marriage. I bet if he started looking at other women though, youd be a little less annoyed w/ any attention he gives you. Sorry if im sounding rude, but Im just telling it like it is, from a guys POV.

Susan2010

smothered wife, you haven't described anything that resembles affection, so I can't be sure your husband understands what bothers you so. No woman likes feeling objectified. She doesn't want to be groped as if she is on display. She wants her body to be respected. Sometimes, she wants a hug & kiss to be a hug & kiss. That is affection. But if every hug & kiss is expected to turn into sex, then that hug & kiss is foreplay, not affection. I don't know what happened in therapy, but if the two of you never made it to the same page, then there's no reason to expect he understands the difference between loving displays of affection and turning his woman into an object. Men almost always equate affection with sex. It sounds you are doing the same, so he cannot know the difference.

It is an age old complaint and so common to be surprising no one ever seems to find a middle ground. Women end up feeling objectified and resentful like you. Men end up feeling neglected and betrayed like Franklinfx. But Franklinfx makes a very good point. You wouldn't like it if he looked elsewhere. Read these boards. You would not care to find out your husband was given to emotional affairs or physical affairs. That he has feelings for someone he met online or a co-worker. That is what you are wishing for, and you're much more resentful than need be. You are so sick of your husband that you actually want him to channel his affectionate energy elsewhere. But what if elsewhere is one of the scenarios I presented. How will you feel when you realize you SENT your husband "elsewhere?" And think about something else. You want him to stop because it annoys you. That is the way you are, the way you feel. But what about how he is and how he feels? Conforming to your way is not what marriage is about. It would behoove you to find a middle ground that you both can live with. It would behoove you that we don't have to see you on these boards again. Seriously, read around. Read about the hundreds of emotional affairs each week. Now, imagine that is you.

lissy73

Maybe when they were dating, she was being pursued and romanced. Maybe at the end of the day, she's tired from dealing with the kids/work and just wants to snuggle with her husband without feeling like the last pork chop at the butcher shop. It's not just the women that change after marriage.

greeneyeddolphin

I think I tend to be kind of like your hubby. I like to kiss and hug my boyfriend, cuddle on the couch, hold hands, things like that alot. I don't expect it to turn into sex, I just like that...I guess I'd call it a physical affirmation of our love. But, my boyfriend tends to be like you and isn't really into it. We found a compromise that worked for us. I kind of gave him a list. I said, ok, if you can do this, this, and this for me everyday, then I won't get upset if that's all there is, and I'll think of any extra hugs, kisses, etc. as a bonus. I made the list of the bare minimum of physical affection I could tolerate. It worked quite well, he does the things on the list, and he actually goes beyond it most days and gives me even more physical affection, which I love. It also makes it easier to not try to push for more, since I know that at the very least, I will get these certain things. Maybe you could sit down with him, and ask him if you guys could make some sort of list of some "guaranteed affection", things you guys will do each day, no matter what. Examples could be a kiss when you get up each morning and go to bed every night, a kiss hello and goodbye, and a random snuggle here and there. It does seem kind of silly at first, to seem like you're almost making a contract, but it's better than having one of you feel smothered and the other feeling starved.

Now, if he's constantly trying to turn affection into sex and that's what bothers you, then I'd just be totally honest. "I love you, and I love kissing and hugging and snuggling with you, but every time we do, you try to take it into sex. I'm glad you still want me so much, and I still want you too. But sometimes I'm just really tired, or stressed, or I have other things I need to get done, and it makes it hard to enjoy the kisses and snuggles when I think you're going to try to get sex. I need hugs and kisses without expectation of sex sometimes. Can we work on this?"

Another thought, too, is that you say you want to pull away and avoid him. You don't, but you want to. That may be part of the problem, too. If he senses (and if you two are otherwise very close, he probably does) that you are wanting to pull away, he may not know why. That will make him insecure, and therefore try to give you more affection. My boyfriend and I had this issue before we talked about it. He wanted to pull away because he didn't want so much physical affection, I sensed that but didn't know why, and felt the need to be more affection. It kind of turns into a vicious cycle. Talk to him. Tell him how all the affection makes you feel, and try to find that compromise.

MrRomantic

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

smothered wife: PLEASE TELL YOUR HUSBAND HE IS SMOTHING YOU. He doesn't know he is doing it. I JUST WENT THROUGH THE SAME EXACT THING (I am the smothering husband) and until he realizes there is a problem, HE THINKS HE IS FIXING YOUR EMOTIONAL DISTANCE. I could feel my wife pulling away from me and i thought I needed to be more loving. So I bumped up my game, thinking it was what she needed. I finally got my wife to talk about it and little did I know, I had pushed her to the brink of wanting to end our marriage because she felt trapped, oppressed, totally uninterested in having sex with me. Google "smothering" and read articles on love smothering. Have your husband read them. BE HONEST with him NOW. That could've save me a year of ****, and kept it from getting as bad as it was if my wife had just been honest with me. Do this for both of you, be honest!!!

MEM11363

You are not wrong. He needs to learn some self control before he totally KILLS your desire for him.

If it were me - I would ask him if he is willing to do an experiment that might help him understand you better. If he likes chocolate this will work well. Buy enough bars to make anyone physically ill - as in throwing up if they ate them all at once. Put them on the table and ask him how he thinks he would feel if he had to eat all of them at once. Because THAT is how love - especially marital love - works. When you constantly force more love on someone than they are comfortable with it starts to feel really bad to them. If you eat chocolate until you barf - you start to create a taste aversion.

If he was sane he would back off - and let YOU come to him. Let you hug/cuddle him when you want. Let you say ILY when you feel like it. In the mean time he needs to man up and accept that over loving someone is a clingy/little boy behavior, not a controlled man in charge of himself pattern.

turnera

You need to agree on a signal. When he goes overboard, you show the signal - hand up, whatever - and then you withdraw yourself from his vicinity. Even if it's just to walk to the other room for a minute. It's an easy, OBVIOUS way to point out his effect on you.

If he finds himself 'stood up' 5, 10, 15 times a day, he'll 'get it.'

cb45

i think u need to consider whats really goin on inside of u. i mean susan raises a valid pt about others suffering w/out what u have. sailor also makes good mention of whether he's being too sexual or in search of same.

in any case, i still believe u should "know thyself" before complaining about him. i've tried to be JUST intimate w/ my
W on occasion w/ a nuzzle or some such, only to be refused
turned away. shes not verbal enuff nor honest either should she give a "excuse/lie". so yer H could wonder about u
sometimes and try to over-compensate for whatever YOUR
reason/inner calamity is.

examine your mind, feelings etc. be honest w/ yerself. u can b.s. us all day/nite but if u do that to yerself then u & all around u will suffer for it eventually. pretty pathetic.

then n only then can u come to communication table w/ yer
H and tell him the whys/wherefores and the compromise that
will work for u.