We're a 37 yo couple, married for 8 years, 2 boys together (age 6 & 4).
My wife is very attractive, and she would like to audition for Playboy (Hot Housewives). I am not comfortable with this for several reasons, including potential impact on our 2 young boys. My occupation is somewhat high profile, and this could definitely impact this negatively.
I know, you might think what's the big deal, she won't get picked anyways. But the fact is that she really has a good chance at getting chosen. And if she does, then what? She thinks nudity wouldn't be required, but I have doubts about that.
On top of this, we're having some real problems recently, and we've discussed the need to get counseling. Our problems stem from the fact that she repeatedly has "relationships" with other guys, none of which she says have been physical. The most recent episode was last month, with 35 cell phone calls with one guy. And she would meet this guy early in the morning at a gym where they would do cardio together. She never told me this was going on (until I discovered the phone calls), and in fact in her cell phone she had his # labeled "Gina" instead of his true name, Greg.
At this point I think we need to concentrate on each other, and get counseling. I don't think we need this Playboy distraction at this time.
What do you all think? She will say I'm not letting her express herself, and Playboy has been a lifelong dream.
Thanks in advance for your input.
I realize I'm going to be controversial, but I have strong convictions that I won't compromise on, and some would say I'm old-fashioned, but whatever...
First of all, posing for the magazine is not simply an expression of one's self. Would your wife think you were expressing yourself if you wanted to be a Chippendale (erotic male dancer)?
You and I both know, as do others if they'll just be honest, that men don't buy those types of magazines to admire a woman's teeth or eyebrows. They get some type of sexual gratification by gazing upon, or lusting after, the women in them. Have we gotten so far off the path in our society when we no longer state the obvious? I'm not telling you anything new, but you may not have heard anyone say it like that in awhile. Anyway, either you and your wife both really know that women in those magazines are lusted after, or you or she is utterly naive. I have to assume that your wife knows how men who buy those things think, so it would bother me to know that, knowing what she does, she still wants to subject herself to the lusty googling of other men. I believe it's selling one's body for money, not for the actual act of sex but still for the object of sexual lust. Do you all understand what I'm saying? If you are so unhappy with it, a woman who truly loves you and respects your feelings would not do it, then.
Sounds like she has some kind of problem that she's dealing with wrongly by seeking inappropriate attention of other men.
This, as a man, is where I'd draw the line. Think of this also... there are some things in a marriage that are part of a man or woman being your wife. It makes it extra special when you and your wife are the only ones that ever see each other naked in an erotic setting (the only other time anyone else should see either one of you naked is at a doctor's office for an exam). To me, to have a wife show herself to the world in a magazine, internet site, etc. takes some of the special bond, the exclusivity of our sexuality and tosses it to the wind. It, in effect, cheapens our intimacy by opening the door and letting anyone else see part of it.
Come on, bottom line, no other man should see your wife naked, and no other woman should see you naked for that matter.
It's selfish and immature for a spouse to assert their "rights" in disregard for your feelings. Women and others try to make it sound so glamorous or dignified to pose in such magazines, but in reality what they are doing is setting themselves up for some dirty old man somewhere to masturbate while looking at them and fantasizing. You've come a long way, baby.
I would say, no way am I happy with you doing this, wife, and if you go ahead and do it, totally disrespecting and disregarding my feelings, then we're talking separation. I'd have a hard time being intimate with a wife again, maybe for a long time, that flaunted their sexuality to other men.
I know what some of you might think, that's art, people only buy the magazine for the interviews, etc. etc. And the Emperor really has new clothes on, too, right?
I told you I was probably controversial, but I'm not wrong.
Thanks for your reply. And we're on the same page--I hear (and feel) everything you're saying. I guess I'm "old-fashioned" too, but my wife's standpoint would be that I'm "controlling".
I'm interested in others' viewpoints as well. Is there a middle ground here, or even someone that takes her side on the issue?
You are not controlling you are 50% of the marriage and this has a huge impact on you. She needs to have empathy for you. Let alone this is more about if she does it she is controlling choices and emotions of the relationship.
Tell her that you support her 100%, in fact, you want a preview, hand her 7 bucks and tell her to take her clothes off.
If she is appalled, she has no business posing for Playboy.
That is my 'results' oriented response
Although, I also have to say that I disagree with dbj's assessment. Dirty old men are dirty old men, whether an attractive woman is in a potato sack or buck-naked.
Playboy is unmistakably a magazine dealing with sexuality, but eroticism is in the eye of the beholder. What I see as pedestrian, you may see as pornographic. I personally, would not have an issue with my thirty-something wife being invited to pose for Playboy, unless it was apparent that she wanted to do so as a means of boosting her self-image by wanting to be an object of desire to others - and further distancing herself from the marriage. In that case, I would put Gorilla Glue in her shampoo bottle.
Cosmo is also unmistakably a magazine dealing with sexuality. My husband and I were in the store the other day and he said "you don't have this one yet do you?" and then we realized it was the Spanish version he picked up so I said "That's OK, I don't read the articles, I just buy it for the pictures!" Anyway, we both got a chuckle because I actually do buy it for the articles and it's a good way to spice things up for us, but it still boils down to respecting each other's feelings.
Well, I'm in agreeance with you guys...by the way...I'm new to the board :-). I have a very attractive wife as well...and I could never let her do anything like that. I guess my approach that everything underneath her clothes is for "my eyes" only.
Maybe there are a few people who buy such a magazine for the articles. However, just remember this: not everone in the world has the same cultured, enlightened, or "honorable" intent or perspective that you might have, Swedish. My point was, why would a woman want to subject herself to such a mixed bag of eyes? You don't know who's going to look at the naked body and what any of them are thinking, men from all different parts and different levels of morality. Even further, my point is that it is wrong for a man or woman to expose themselves to other men or women like that. Agree or not, that was precisely my point. That, and you as a woman should know that lots of guys (not all, but way too many) look at women as an object or piece of meat. Why would a woman want to subject herself to that? Susan B. Anthony must be turning over in her grave. Oh, wait, yeah, that's right, maybe you could say that she would say, good for the women who now have the right to do such a thing. One reason why the women's movement got started was because they were treated as property/objects. Now some women use their liberation to subject themselves as sex objects? I guess we'll just agree to disagree on this one.
One more thing,... to Deejo's point: True, dirty old men will be dirty old men, but why help them in their filth? I used the example of dirty old men, but the truth is, I doubt many women really know or understand just how much men struggle with lustful thoughts. I'm not talking about sex offenders or perverts, but your everyday man, the insurance salesman, the banker, teacher, even ministers.
Look, my kids might get hurt playing in the playground, but increase those chances if I let them play in a busy street. Likewise, sure, even if you posed clothed in a department store catalog someone might still look at you lustfully, but don't you increase that by posing nude in a sex magazine?
I don't mean to be argumentative. I know we're on here trying to help each other. I really mean the best for everyone. Many good points were made by the posts on this thread.
If Playboy was her lifelong dream, she shouldn't have gotten married and had two kids. Call me old-fashioned, but in my opinion, once you are married, you give up your own personal dreams and begin new dreams for you AND your spouse to work on together. Marriage is about sharing, compromise, and no longer being completely self-centered. If a person cannot handle that, that person should not be married. When you get married you are making a commitment to your spouse, and their happiness is just as important as yours. Your wife is being extremely selfish and immature. She is a grown woman and a MOTHER and needs to be a role model for her sons. It's great that she is attractive; however, she should not flaunt this for other men. You are her husband and you alone should get to ogle her body. ALSO - the fact that she is off running around with another guy is outrageous and you should not stand for it. I don't care if he is a "friend." You should be the one and only man in her life because you are her husband. Yes, she needs to forget this Playboy business, take a look at herself, and you two should get counseling. I am a wife myself and I know that my husband would never approve of the type of things your wife expects you to accept - and I would never expect him to.
Wow...Melville hit that right on the head, and from a woman's perspective too! By the way, I skimmed over the last part of your first post yesterday and yeah, if she is having "episodes" as you refer to them...counseling is the first place you need to be going instead of a photo shoot. It sounds as if you're wife is an attention-seeker in any way she can get it.
While I would LOVE for my wife to pose for Playboy, I am going to say Your wife Should NOT.
If you are having marital problems you need to solve them and get it straightened out.
You know how men have "mid life crisis" so do women, She is feeling "old" past her prime, this is her thing to get back to the "I am a hot women" again.
But you have bigger issues here, get them solved, Marriage and family come first.
I may be the most liberal person on this board, But if the foundation is rocky it needs to be tended to.
Whew! I'm glad to see so many in disagreement with posing for playboy. What is she trying to prove? Chances are, if she's a beautiful woman, peple recognize that anyway--with her clothes on. I have to wonder if she's really considered the ramifications here. Is she really prepared for the inevitable backlash she'll get from the community? If she thinks it won't eventually get to every social circle, she's kidding herself. She's being very selfish. Also, I don't want to bring up a sore spot here, but why would she feel the need to change Greg's name to Gina in her cell phone? You'd better check into that one quickly. There's really no good explanation for that one. She wouldn't be trying to hide it if there were.
Furthermore, although there's NO justification for rape (and it is NEVER a woman's fault when a man rapes her), she's opening herself up to perverts within the community as well. She's leaving nothing to the imagination. I'm appalled at the way men look at me and I'm fully clothed. It's repulsive. If I strip down for them publicly, their imaginations can run rampant. Who's to say one of them might not be waiting on her at her car after one of her workouts?
My guess is, she thinks she's going to pose for Playboy and she'll walk down the street and every head will turn in awe and say "Wow, I wish my wife was that hot. Can you believe she's had kids?" She thinks all the women will be jealous. The funny thing is, I doubt they'll be as jealous as they are pissed. They'll wonder why she's married if she's trying to turn the heads of every other man out there. They'll just view her as a homewrecker. She's expecting lots of accolades. I seriously doubt she's considered the lack of respect she'll receive.
Also, it's not at all controlling to ask your wife not to show her body off. When she married you, you became one with her. You have every right to state your concerns there. Stick to your guns on that one. Remind her that the backlash will also affect you. Good luck.
Wife Pose for Playboy?
