06-12-2008, 11:56 AM
Join Date: Jun 2008
| | Update and Thanks...
First Thanks guys this site has been so helpful to me.
Secondly I apologize about my post yesterday...I went to one of my AA meetings straight after words and it helped tons....
Now here is the update.
Last night I broke down, sorta had a Mental/Nervous Break down. I'm not used to having to sort all these emotions out w/o booze or pills (pain pills normally) But I have been sober for a month and half now and All this sorta came down on me.
Here is what happened...I lost here at my shop,(which isn't good because it deals alot w/kids and teens. So I shut down and went to the AA meeting, the whole time I passed I think 8 liquor stores, AAAAAAH. Got there and talked to two guys for 2-1/2 hours. I left not feeling better but feeling like weight was lifted. I called my wife up and said we NEED to talk. She agreed.
We met at Moes, split a burrito which I didn't really eat, till she forced me to...then we talked. It was amazing, we talked like we used to..and about our problems she actually opened up to me a lot more.
I started off by saying my Apology letter I wrote was sincere, I meant every thing in it. Then spoke about the other letter, the 10 page one. She said it sounded rehearsed, I agreed to a point. I told basically that I have this void now, what was once filled with her I replaced w/booze which expanded it...and now that I am cleaning up it is empty again. I confessed to being closed down and not willing to change or accept change the last few years. I told her she wasn't there for me and I was mad at her for it.
She told me that she wasn't there because the way I acted, it didn't seem like I wanted her to be there. She said that she Needed me, She needed me there...and she had said that but I thought she meant physically(in the past year). She said that emotionally I wasn't there and it didn't seem like I was going to come back.
I told her few days ago to stop lying to me that she doesn't love me that she hates me. That if someone loved me then they wouldn't plan for there future w/o even giving me a chance/reason.
She said that hurt her. I apologized and explained. She said that she was just throwing around Ideas trying to find herself. So I told her that I was now open, I explained the reasons for my resistance, with her, the kids, and our growing up.
She actually understood. She told me more. I told her that it doesn't seem like we were even willing to change things.
She said thats because my letter(10 page one) already outlined what I wanted. I said thats because I thought you wanted to hear that, bad move. She said no. I said I don't know what I wanted, every thing I have known this last year is leading me down a road of dispair, I said that in a year or twos time from my drinking I was going to be a gutter some where...I drank to black out 5-6 times a week.
I said I am open to anything right now, You have and Idea throw it my way. I'll try it and let you know how I feel about it.
Then we talked, we talked like grown ups I'm going to say. Come to find out we had the same feelings about a lot of things but haven't been able to discuss them to each other.
Then she dropped another bomb on me..She said if you want me to be open I am going to say this but It might hurt you. "I resented you for the amount of money you spent on drinking and for the way you were able to shut me out, you are/were dull to any and all emotions."
Damn that hurt, but was true. I hugged her we went home, then went out to play pool together at a bar, which I was only there an hour. I couldn't be around all the smoke and booze and expect to stay sober, So I left.
It was all in all a good night. A lot of stuff was said on both ends and we still have A LOT more to go, but I think that we agreed to work on that first then tackle our marriage. I reminded her that no matter how ****ed up we are right now we are a married couple, aND she seemed fine with it. I tucked her in, layed with her till she fell asleep and then went in the other room. I slept a little better last night....still not good but a little better.
But thank you guys for your help.
One last question....how do I, someone who has been disconnected from emotions, show her that I am there emotionally now.
Cuz I can do the flowers, massages, cleaning, all that stuff but that is just things or actions....