My sons are 10 and 2 years old. Most of the damage to my marriage was done around with my oldest son. I'm hanging in there! It's tough for me right now, but I know the pain I put her through is even tougher.
I felt I should leave for awhile, so I stayed with my sis for the weekend and probaly stay with a friend close to work. Just to give us both some space. I don't know how this will end up? I will keep trying if she is willing, but the ball is in her court now.
I am trying to come to grips with the concept that all I can do now is work on myself. I repair cars at a dealership, so I have it in my head that I can fix her feelings. I know I can't and that is the struggle. I want this to work so bad, but I can't force her if she's not willing.
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
Just an update...Well, so far everything is still the same. I'm staying at a friends house and just trying to give her space. We pretty much just txt here and there. I ask her what does she want to do? Divorce or work it out. Her answer has been, "I don't know?" That's hard for me to take, but I understand that she is leary of me if what I say to her is just a smoke screen or for real. I know in my heart I'm for real!
I'm ready to grow up and be a real husband and make her #1 in my life. The thing I'm trying to cope with is other people telling me that her, "I don't know?", is actually because another man is involved and that's why she doesn't know. I don't see no evidence of that beside she won't let her phone out of her sight, but it does bother me alot. Especially, when half the marriages at my work have ended in divorce due to their wife cheating on them and that's what they want to talk about. It's funny, when they talk about why their marriage failed, I see why and they don't even know it or want to acknowledge it. They want to blame their spouse. Although, I can't blame her if she is. It's the way I have treated her that has turned her away. I have a poor track record, but I know this is real for me this time and I have opened my eyes. It's like the boy who cried wolf. Now, I have to deal with that within myself.
I tell everyone one thing though, reading the book "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix, has made me see marriage in a whole new light and learned alot about what it takes to make a marriage successful. I'm almost halfway through it and it kind of got me hooked reading it.
The one positive thing happened yesterday was me and my wife went grocery shopping last nite just me and her. I tell you what, I enjoyed every minute of it! Just the small talk and being together makes me appreciate the time we had together. I miss her so much it hurts!
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
Continue on your changes. Stay off the booze and give her space when she needs it. Attention when she accepts it. Time is not your enemy in this, it is your ally. Because when you ask her what she wants to do and she says “I don’t know” it doesn’t mean some one else is involved. It simply means she’s trying to work through what’s best for her. Just because friends at work have experience infidelity on their spouses part doesn’t mean she is engaging in it. Sure it’s a possibility but use your intuition and understanding of her make that determination. Not a bunch of sour grapes from others. Spending some causal time with her is great and don’t expect much more for a while. Again, don’t dote on her but show her you care. Show confidence and empathy. Things will take time but they can work out. Good luck
__________________
Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Had our 8th wedding anniversary yesterday. Bought her some chocolate and roses along with a nice card. Really had no reaction to them. Not even a hug. I had to hug her. Very tough for me!
Well, so far everything is still the same. Still living with a friend of mine and nothing much has changed as far as how she feels about things.
We are having alot of deep talks about our marriage lately and about things about her childhood that has given me alot of insight as to her feelings. She told me something odd that I wanted to get everyone's thought on. She has told me that when she is out in public or anywhere for that matter, when she sees another woman she would say to herself, "I think she would be a good woman for me?" Me meaning myself. She says she doesn't know why or what that is about? Any thoughts or is there something to read into this or not?
As far as my own feelings, I'm starting to feel like giving up actually. I feel if we are going to try to save this marriage it can't be done with me living at my friends house, but she tells me she is not ready for me to come home.
Her feelings are that she doesn't know what she wants to do? She feels she isn't ready to let go of our marriage, but at the same time she doesn't want me around full time and likes her space. Very though for me!
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
Yes, I have to say it has. Most of everything that I have done to hurt my marriage has been because alcohol was involved in one way or another. My wife has said I am an alcoholic at times.
She doesn't want me drinking anymore which now I am understanding the pain it has caused her. I haven't taken a drink for about 3 weeks now. The guys I hang out with all drink so the temptation is there. They all tell me grab a cold one, but now when I think of alcohol I think of my marriage and the pain my wife has been through. So, I don't want to drink anymore.
You need some new friends or the temptation will always be there. Those friends went with that lifestyle you are trying to change. If your friends won't support you in this change, get rid of them. Put your marriage first. You may have already lost her but maybe not. You have to show her not tell her what you will do. Patience is tough, maybe this will be the toughest thing you ever had to do but if you can save your marriage then not only will that be a great gift but you will improve yourself as a man..First thing though, forgive yourself and commit to being a better husband, father, man.
Update...Right now were still seperated now for almost a month. Nothing really has changed. We talk here and there. I don't see any progress in anything getting better. She still says, " I don't know?" It's frustrating! I miss my wife and kids! Everyday is a struggle. One minute I'll feel up about things then the next I'm down.
She tells me she doesn't trust me. She can't get over things in the past. I tell her that we had a bad marriage together, but we have the rest of our lives to be happy with me giving it everything I got. Still, she is fighting with her feelings and are waiting to see if they come back? I have trouble with this because I believe nothing can get better if I'm not given a chance to prove myself.
At this point, I am really about to throw in the towel and give up. It is hard for me because I want my family back. At the same time if this isn't going to work I want to move on. She doesn't want to let go because she's worried her feelings will come back but right now she doesn't feel anything for me to allow us to work it out.
When is it time to move on and let go? It's been a tough month full of ups and downs. I can't see myself going through this another month or even another week. I just can't!
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
A month is not enough time. Give it more, it may take 6 months or a year. Keep doing the positive things and prove to her that you can have a happy life together. If you give up now she will probably think "see I was right, he wasn't committed". Earn her trust and that takes time. Meantime, why don't you find some positive outlets. As hard as it is, find some new hobbies/interests that are healthy and will give you a bit of a distraction and maybe she can enjoy those hobbies with you later at some point. Hang in there.
Bad Guy - Patience and Consistency. Let me say that again, PATIENCE AND CONSISTENCY. My story is very similar to yours (minus the alcohol). I was selfish and put nearly everything in my life before my wife. Years of resentment and hurt led to my wifes love for me dying. I'm doing my very best to save my marriage and it doesn't look good. But here is what I've come to realize. It took years to destroy my wifes love for me and I can't expect it to return in just a few weeks, months, or maybe even years. She will have a hard time returning to the marriage until she believes your changes are real. If she is like my wife, she will have a very difficult time opening herself up if she feels there is any chance of being hurt again. So, you must be patient and consistent.
You are now talking about giving up in part because you can't see effort from your wife. You don't feel like she is giving you a chance. I share those feelings often. Here is how I stay motivated. First, think about this. You still love her and want your family back. You want a happy and loving marriage. Despite this you are struggling with staying the course and putting forth the effort. Just think how hard it must be for your wife to put forth the effort after what she has been through. My wife doesn't love me. I can't imagine how hard it must be for her to muster much effort toward saving the marriage when I know how much I struggle finding the determination and effort. Second, if you give up, all the things you fear will happen. It may not work out despite your best and valiante efforts. But giving up pretty much guarantees failure.
Dig deep my friend, keep your nose to the grind, and be PATIENT and CONSISTENT! Stay away from the bottle, work on life long improvements in yourself, and fight to save your marriage. Your children, your wife, and yourself deserve every opportunity to save this relationship.
I have trouble with this because I believe nothing can get better if I'm not given a chance to prove myself.
You do have the chance to prove yourself to yourself. Quitting drinking and becoming the goodguy is the only way to prove you're a changed man, so focus on staying on course because you can't make those changes for her or to win her back, if they are to be lasting changes because you want them it will be worth it in the end no matter how things work out. She needs to see real change and start to feel this change is not temporary. You cannot force this upon her but if you are sincere she will notice, even if your contact is minimal at this point.
It seems to me that in your heart that u really have already given up and are just blaming your wife because if you really love some one you will give that person space and give that relatioship space and time to heal you have children together make sure that they are not affected by the siyuation and then come back to your self
It seems to me that in your heart that u really have already given up and are just blaming your wife because if you really love some one you will give that person space and give that relatioship space and time to heal you have children together make sure that they are not affected by the siyuation and then come back to your self
I haven't given up! It's just hard for me because I truely want to work on our marriage. I understand about her not believeing me about trying to change. Like I have said, I'm ready to put a %110 into my marriage so frustration is setting in. I miss her and miss my kids terribly! I miss my home!
I'm mad at myself for taking for granted the life I had with her or could've had if I just woke up and opened my eyes. I will hang in there regardless of what happens. It's just hard to deal with being concious of what my life has become and why and how it got there. I'm just eager to start working on making things right. Very frustrated and sad!
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
y dont you introduce her this site to show how much you care . And to show that you are looking advice to make a new change and a difference in your lives.
Bad Guy -
Here is a little input from a me..I have the same situation...wife keeps saying "I don't Know" won't give me a direct answer.etc....
That emotional roller coaster your on will continue...your going to convince your self one day everything will work out, the next you set that it will fail...just have to learn to take things Day by Day.
I do agree that it is hard to work on things when your not @home. I was away for about 3weeks. Then when I did move back in I lived in the basement. Even though you did were in the wrong, it doesn't mean that she has the right to treat you like a doormat.
Eventually I told my wife, I am leaving for 3 days(weekend) when I come back I will be in my house, in my bed, and in my room. I came back moved everything back into my room.
She said fine she will sleep n the basement. I said Ok...didn't show her that it bothered me. I agreed with her feelings w/o argueing. I didn't let her take anything of comfort (IE...the fan, Ihome, Ipod) any thing she was used to having to sleep. I said that it belonged in the room. I wanted her to see that the 3weeks I gave to her, the three weeks I respected her space, how uncomfortable it was.
The next day she was back in the room.
Not saying thats what you need to do verbatim but "maybe" you need to give her a time frame.
Last edited by hitrockbottom; 07-25-2008 at 05:26 PM.
This is just a little thing I've been mentioning on a few of the threads I have contributed to. Please remember that while there is an abundance of useful information and people on this forum, each situation is different. There are many views and opinions about what someone should and shouldn't do in a given situation. Sometimes the opinions are at odds. So, please understand that many of the people on this forum are not professionals. I truly believe we must each assess our personal situations and make the best decisions we can. Just because I might make a suggestion doesn't mean it should be put into action. This is something I'm sure you know, appreciate and understand. But when a person is desparate it can be easy to be influenced without first giving your plan of action some clear and meaningful reflection.
For instance, Hitrockbottom gave his wife a time frame and it benefited his situation. I tried to give my wife some time frames and it pushed her further away to the point she settled on getting a divorce. Had I been too rigid on the time frames I expect we would no longer be together today. Only after I retracted any time frames and gave her as much time as she needed did she start to reconsider. She is again unsure of what she wants. This is an improvement compared to her previous decision that divorce is the only answer.
Bad Guy, my very best to you and yours. Keep up the good work. Not all of the troubled marriages we read about on this forum will survive. But I truly believe that your hard work will show and your wife will see it. When this happens I hope she will be accepting of it.
Here is a good Quote that I like
"it’s more important to enjoy the good things that you’ve
got and minimize the importance of the things that you don’t have as an important step
towards making things better."- H.M.
Re: Trying to keep my marriage together!
y dont you introduce her this site to show how much you care . And to show that you are looking advice to make a new change and a difference in your lives.
