Hey, everyone! I'm here on the brink of losing my marriage and family. I have been married for 8 years, total 11. I have not been a good husband for the length of our relationship.
I have never cheated on my wife, but might as well have. I visited strip clubs when she strongly opposed it, stayed out all hours of the night with friends that were no good. I've neglected her, degraded her, never was supportive of anything she did. I have been very selfish by only caring about myself and never putting her #1.
She has given me several chances to change only to revert back to my old selfish ways. I have 2 sons, one with ADHD making life even more stressful.
Now she wants to seperate. She tells me she doesn't have feelings for me like before. She doesn't know what she wants and needs time to decide what she wants to do.
I have had a deep period of self-reflection. Taking a long look at myself and not liking what I see. Bottom line is I don't want to lose her! I'm still in love with her! I have told her I am willing to do whatever it takes to heal her heart, but she heard this before. Something is different this time. I really want to make it work! I'm will put it all on the line for her! How can I win her heart back?
This is going to be difficult. Your actions up until now have been very selfish, so telling her once again you will change is probably coming off to her as telling her what she wants to hear and doing what she wants until you are comfortable again then returning to the selfish behavior. It may be too little too late, but at minimum you need to stop telling her what you are going to do and start living it.
I am thinking the same way. I have been doing alot to show her something different. I've stopped drinking for about 3 weeks now. I spent all last week and weekend working around the house. I have been listening to her and being alot more attentive to her. I cut out alot of TV and computer time. Almost nonexistent. I even started a diet. Been on for a week and a half now. I just can't see my life without her and it is eating at me. She still feels the same as I said earlier.
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
You will have a long way to go in this. My best advice is to be patient with her and make sure you really can live with whatever changes you are making for life. Since your batting average is bad in her eyes you will need to be very consistent in your changes. She has probably detached herself from you in an attempt to ease the pain of what you have done in the past. She has lost trust in you because you have failed her in the past repeatedly. This road will be very long. I’ve been on it a year myself. Don’t overreact to the situation. Don’t dote on her or overload her. Gifts, cards, flowers… Some is ok but don’t overdue it. If she hasn’t had that kind of attention in the past it will come off as insincere now. Be as honest and open with her as you can and ask her to do the same. Find out what it is she really wants in the marriage besides getting rid of the bad behavior you have exhibited in the past. Read my mantra below and use those words in putting together a plan for your marital recovery.
PS Good luck on the ADHD. My youngest has mild to moderate symptoms and I understand the additional stress this can bring to both parents.
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Amp
Confidence – Love – Patience – Faith Are the tools to help heal a marriage.
Thanx, for your help! I understand it will be a long road, but to me it is a road I will travel. The patience part is my problem that I have to deal with. Alot of times when I don't see any kind of feedback from her I get frustrated. I love her so much! I am just trying to understand why is it now that I see the light sort of speak. Why is it now that I am truely on the brink of losing everything that everything comes into focus in my life. I feel so ashamed of myself that I have allowed my marriage to get to this point. So ashamed! She is a wonderful person and to let it get to this point tells me what a failure I am as a husband, father, and a man!
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
The one thing I am trying to understand is how men interpret what a woman is trying to tell you? Like when your wife tells you she doesn't know or she needs time and space. Is she meaning for you to leave or just to not talk about or bring up the subject of our problems? Just frustrating and another issue I have of trying to be a better communicator and coming to understand my wife better.
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
If we can make our marriage work, I want to make it stick. I want this to be the end of the bad part of our marriage and the beginning of a new and improved chapter of our life. I know the best way to do that is to get better at communicating. That's my downfall.
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
Here is my piece for better or worse, do everything you can to improve yourself. Chances are you have lost her, but that one percent that she might see you living better may make her think twice or atleast in your next relationship you'll know and be better. Being a better man will also help your two children. If you see my success story you'll know I lost my first marriage but like you learned too much, too late.
Yes, I have to say it has. Most of everything that I have done to hurt my marriage has been because alcohol was involved in one way or another. My wife has said I am an alcoholic at times.
She doesn't want me drinking anymore which now I am understanding the pain it has caused her. I haven't taken a drink for about 3 weeks now. The guys I hang out with all drink so the temptation is there. They all tell me grab a cold one, but now when I think of alcohol I think of my marriage and the pain my wife has been through. So, I don't want to drink anymore.
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
Well, if you think you might be an alcoholic and in need help, I recommend AA. They are groups of alcohoics who help each other stay sober, and it works if you follow the suggestions of the program.
I've been sober over 8 years now thanks to AA. It's not the only solution out there, but it worked for me and it's changed my life for the better. My experience seeing many people relapse over the years though, has been that it doesn't generally work for people unless they've "hit bottom" and are totally committed to doing whatever it takes to change. It sounds like you're still hanging out with your drinking buddies though - that might not fit in too well with a sober lifestyle regardless of how you try to quit.
No, I felt I really didn't have a problem. I always put the blame elsewhere. Now, I have really seen the damage it caused. As far as hanging out with my friends, that doesn't happen much. I'm trying to rebuild my marriage and I see drinking with friends and marriage do not mix. So, that had to go! What I'm dealing with now is trying to win my wife back and rebuild our life together. It's hard for me to see what I put my wife through and expect her to love me again.
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
The one thing I am trying to understand is how men interpret what a woman is trying to tell you? Like when your wife tells you she doesn't know or she needs time and space. Is she meaning for you to leave or just to not talk about or bring up the subject of our problems? Just frustrating and another issue I have of trying to be a better communicator and coming to understand my wife better.
Try to put yourself in her position. She has dealt with your negative behavior for many years and it slowly ate away at her until resentment built up to a point where she feels done. Now you respond and it probably feels very confusing and overbearing to her. Not only, can I trust that he really will change, but do I even want to at this point. She probably feels very reluctant because if she opens up her heart again to give you another chance and you blow it, where does that leave her? Even more broken and hurt than she is now.
The best thing you can do for her is to be extremely patient. Just because you have had this awakening and now know what you want, doesn't mean she will accept this with open arms. I really think she needs to see the changes in you and that they are sincere and lasting changes...not just a mad scramble to do and say what she wants to hear just to win her back.
As you have already stated, you put her through years of turmoil. Now it is your turn to give her all of the space and time she needs in a selfless way. Not for your own wants/needs but because of the love you have for her. No matter the end result, you will be better off working on making you a better you.
Hang in there & every time you get frustrated that things don't seem to be going the way you would like, think about what she must be feeling & stick to making up the years to her.
Thanx everyone! This has enlightened me as to what to expect to go through from here on out. I have a long road ahead if I'm to make this work, but I'm determined to to turn things around for the better. Thanx for all your support I really am thankful.
__________________ Only if I could go back in time!
Hang in there! There's always hope. The fact that you are admitting to the problems you caused in your marriage is a big first step. It's going to take some time for your wife to see positive results though. Also, I agree with some of the other posts. It would be beneficial for you to join a group such as AA for the alcohol problem. You could get support from others, possibly make NEW friends, and show your wife how serious you are about changing.
How old are your sons? I can see where some resentment could have resulted. When you were out late having a good time with your friends, she was at home taking care of the children. Perhaps you could offer to keep the boys for an afternoon/evening. It would give her a chance to relax. I can remember when our children were younger. I would have welcomed a chance to catch my breath and relax.
Trying to keep my marriage together!
