Communication

Lostandunsure · 07-02-2010, 01:00 AM

Okay, so my hubby and I are having some issues. I want him to come home after work, whereas he wants to stay and BS with the guys. I asked him to please come home and he blew up at me. I have NEVER been a supporter of going to bed angry. I HAVE to talk it out and get it somewhat resolved or at least have the reassurance that we will talk it over. The problem is that even when we get our feelings out, the problem isn't really solved. It just sits between us. We're not communicating. Maybe this is a gender thing. Maybe he thinks that since we got out feelings out, it's okay, but I just can't settle my mind. I let it go, but the next little disagreement, those old feelings come back. I don't throw it in his face again, because I don't want to make it worse or push him away. I have suggested counseling to help us learn how to communicate effectively with each other, but he works such long hours and we live in such a rural area that it's almost impossible to see a counselor until the winter months when my hubby is laid off. I've tried mirroring and it doesn't help. We also try to be respectful of each other as we're baring our souls and establish eye contact. I have initiated resolution through apologies and SHOWING him that I am genuinely sorry, but there is very rarely any reciprocation or even acknowledgment of my apology. I want this marriage to last forever. We both made vows before God and have discussed that divorce is not to be taken lightly and that we will WORK at our marriage. However, it's falling short on both sides (I'll admit it). We're a long way from divorce (I hope), but I just don't want these things to continue putting a wedge in between us, resulting in a gap too far to bridge.

Any ideas?

WantsHappiness · 07-02-2010, 09:38 AM

The important thing is that you’re talking. You are getting the first part of communication which is a big step in and of itself. Mirroring and being willing to apologize when you’re wrong are also key parts. The next step is compromising and finding a middle ground. That’s what will give you resolution and allow you to keep from re-experiencing every past fight each time you have a new one.

Of course sometimes he will feel more strongly about an issue that you don’t and he will get his way or vice versa. And sometimes one of you will be completely irrational and need to snap out of it.

You said he works long hours. How long is he standing around talking with the guys after work? Is it 15-20 minutes because that’s not really unreasonable, imo. Or is he going out for drinks and spending hours with them every evening? If it’s the former maybe the compromise can be that he comes straight home three times a week and stays to bs the other two. If it’s the latter I really think that once a week is plenty to socialize with friends for the evening sans spouse but that’s just me.

If he’s not acknowledging your apologies tell him you need that. Tell him how important that is for you to feel that an issue is resolved.

H and I have been working on communication as well. We went to counseling though so I don’t personally know of any books that might help. Search this site though and I’m sure you’ll find some good recommendations in that area. At least a book on communication would give you a starting point until you can get to counseling.

HappyHer · 07-02-2010, 11:06 AM

Communication is talked about a lot as the ideal "fix" in relationships. A lot more has to happen as just knowing how to have correct verbal interactions is not addressing your feelings.

Read this article and see if it's helpful for you, it's a really great first step: Golden Key to Unlocking Your Soulmate Relationship: The Importance of Emotional Validation in Relationships

SimplyAmorous · 07-02-2010, 11:13 AM

Great link Happy Her !! I plan to use that one on here from time to time. I think validation is so very important in commnication .

HappyHer · 07-02-2010, 12:51 PM

You're welcome SimplyAmorous! I believe that's the first, most crucial step. There are others too, but without that, there is a shaky foundation. I watch Criminal Minds - Love that show. that is probably one of the best examples I've seen of emotional validation. if you watch it, watch how the staff interacts with one another, I want to give them all gold stars!