Help Me Understand

explaintomeplease · 07-02-2010, 06:15 PM

My wife and I have been married for 30+ years. Two months ago she told me that she loves me like a brother? She told me that she does not have any sexual inclinations towards me also. We have been going to counseling for the last month and not sure if its working or not. I am so hurt and lover her dearly and am trying hard to understand, not easy.

What to do....

Gman · 07-02-2010, 07:02 PM

If I could explain, I'd be a very rich and very happy man. What you've experienced here, is a variation of the "I love you, but am not IN love with you" Speech. This, my friend, sucks butt.

I'm still dealing, still working on this.

Gman

AFEH · 07-04-2010, 01:04 AM

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

I got “I do love you”. I was tempted to say “It doesn’t feel like you love me” but I’d been round that loop a few times, letting my W know what it was I needed to feel loved. I kind of shrugged my shoulders and thought “Oh well she does love me, just in her own way”.

I’ve done some research since and can see I didn’t make the right responses. There’s a term “I love you but I’m not in love with you” that’s very common. I think what you got “I love you like a brother” and what I got “I do love you” are just variants of “I love you but I’m not in love with you”.

The best explanation I’ve found is at http://www.effectivefamilycommunicat...love-with-you/. I think the essence of what the article is saying is that the person who uses the expression “I love you but I’m not in love with you” doesn’t know what “being in love” is, what it feels like etc. I hope you don’t come to the same conclusion that I’m coming to, that my W was never actually “in love” with me at any time in our marriage and we were married for a very long time.

I don’t know if what I know would have made much difference, I can’t see that anything can be done with a person to make them be “in love” with another, they either are or they aren’t. I did love my wife very much and very deeply, we are separated now. I consider myself very fortunate that my W went far enough to kill off the love I had for her. Took her a long time but she managed it eventually.

Bob

Susan2010 · 07-04-2010, 01:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by explaintomeplease

What to do....

Try asking her.

Susan2010 · 07-04-2010, 01:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hunt Brown

Here's the thing: every time you attribute someone's behavior to some sort of gender based dysfunction, you dehumanize the person and you absolve yourself of all responsibility for the problem.

that's just the way men are... what can I say, she's a woman...

"If I could explain (women)" is a statement that, while seemingly innocent, tacitly states that I am sane and intelligent, I can't explain women, ergo women are neither sane nor intelligent. they operate on some set of rules (or perhaps just randomly) that is beyond man's comprehension. they are crazy.

and of course, if they are crazy, then it's their problem.

Hunt Brown

TaDaaaaa
No sooner said than done...........

Quote:

Originally Posted by AFEH

I think the essence of what the article is saying is that the person who uses the expression “I love you but I’m not in love with you” doesn’t know what “being in love” is, what it feels like etc.

Bob

Well folks, it doesn't get more absurd than this.

AFEH · 07-04-2010, 02:11 AM

Apparently sometimes the spouse either doesn’t “know” what they mean or they will not be honest, authentic and declare their meaning. “I love you like a brother because I’ve the hots for somebody else”, “I love you like a brother because I’m having an emotional affair and I’m going to take it further”, “I love you like a brother, always have done, never been “in love” with you”. “I love you like a brother because I have so much resentment against you that I really don’t like you and therefore can’t be “in love” with you”.

The guys been to counselling for a month and still doesn’t understand his Ws “I love you like a brother”. I reckon at the very least his W isn’t being authentic with him. After 30 plus years together the one thing he warrants is authenticity in his marriage from his wife, no matter what the consequences of telling the truth may be for her,

Bob

AFEH · 07-04-2010, 02:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Susan2010

TaDaaaaa
No sooner said than done...........

Well folks, it doesn't get more absurd than this.

Careful reading of posts, politeness and the ability to see another’s point of view just isn’t your thing is it.

827Aug · 07-04-2010, 09:46 AM

Wow! This thread has become far too complicated. I know where you are coming from, explaintomeplease. Please read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. The author does a fantastic job of explaining the ole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. Futhermore, the book makes complete sense and tells us how to bring the "in love" feeling back. Also, read other marriage/self-help books.

Atholk · 07-04-2010, 01:28 PM

Well at this point counseling and talking won't do anything to make her become sexually interested in you. You have probably just fallen into the trap of being overally comfort building and Beta Male in your approach to her, and not done enough of the attraction building and Alpha Male traits.

It's really pretty obvious what women respond to. Suggest you link on the link in my signature and start following your nose.

dsfg_lover_001 · 07-04-2010, 03:37 PM

this tend to happen in very long term relationship... It's actually very normal. I know it's hard for you, and in away it's human nature.

Atholk · 07-05-2010, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dsfg_lover_001

this tend to happen in very long term relationship... It's actually very normal. I know it's hard for you, and in away it's human nature.

Well it's normal for a garden to get overgrown with weeds if you do nothing to keep it up.

Maintaining a marriage isn't intellectually difficult, or any great mystery. It just takes some effort.