Wife never loved me. What do I do? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-02-2010, 07:20 PM Thread Starter
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Wife never loved me. What do I do?

I have been married for almost 8 years and it has been a bit rocky at times. Now is one of those times. We have 2 kids, who can be hard work which adds to the stress on the marriage. My wife screams and shouts and has hit me in front of the children. I try not to, but I can't help shouting back at her, because I am trying to stand up for myself. She is constantly saying "we need to talk", which means she needs to vent at me about whatever she has found to complain about and never let me speak. She is constantly putting me down, and slagging me off to her family and friends in person and on Facebook. On her latest "talk", she dropped the bombshell that she didn't love me when we met, she 'sort of' fell in love when our daughter was born and fell out of love with me when she was taken ill with ataxia and apparently, I was horrible to her! She says she is now not in love with me and is only with me for the children. I have no idea what I am going to do as I am mostly looking after the children and my wife as she recovers from her ataxia and would hate to "leave her in the lurch" and leave my kids. But, can I go on in a loveless marriage for the kids' sake. I still love my wife but can I go on like this? She has said countless times that she wants a divorce and for me to pack my bags and go, but I love my kids and she has said that she would make it difficult for me to see my kids if we split up. Especially, if I had another girlfriend after her. Sorry for the long winded post! But, I have a lot on my mind.

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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-02-2010, 08:27 PM
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Re: Wife never loved me. What do I do?

i'm sorry for your situation. you have quite a dilemma there. leaving would mean your inability to see your kids. not sure what to say to you. i would say leave BUT... your kids. consult a lawyer. that's the best idea i have. get more information. maybe record the conversations between the 2 of you. tc.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-02-2010, 09:04 PM
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Re: Wife never loved me. What do I do?

She sounds depressed - maybe due to Ataxia? Maybe she even feels inadequate and thinks you might leave her and just wants to be in control of that decision. The emotional stress caused by illness can be very worrying and difficult to cope with....you may have to rise above it all here and concentrate on 'managing' your family through it. You are doing this already - which is a positive thing. You should definitely not leave your home or your kids and you should tell her that you love her, are staying to help her through it and if she doesn't need/want your love then you're staying to help your kids through it anyway because they do need/want your love. you have an important role and purpose here - well done for coping so far and I hope it works out.
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-02-2010, 10:20 PM
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Re: Wife never loved me. What do I do?

my husband was in a deep depression while i was carrying our 1st child. he never once told me he wants a saperation or not love me anymore and mistreated me. infact, he was more afraid of me leaving him but i stood by his side. it was difficult-yes and he always says he loves me and give me hugs. one think i'm sure i would had done is leave if he treated me like mrs fenric.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-02-2010, 11:31 PM
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Re: Wife never loved me. What do I do?

I feel very strongly that no one should live with abuse, and your wife sounds like an awful tyrant. You say she is recovering, so give her time for that before you make any decisions. Don't let her threats scare you. She cannot prevent the court from awarding you fair visitation. She might be difficult before that, but it won't be long term.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-03-2010, 08:26 AM
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Re: Wife never loved me. What do I do?

Tell her that you love her but if she is unhappy she is free to leave - WITHOUT the kids. You will NOT abandon your kids just because she is unhappy. However, you are more than willing to find a good marriage counselor and you are willing to make any necessary changes.

If you can afford it, try the phone counseling at marriagebuilders.com. They're very good at getting to the root of the problem. Also try affaircare.com; I believe they offer counseling, and they post here.

I do have an issue with one statement, which is indicative of a place where you can start changing your environment. You said:
I can't help shouting back at her, because I am trying to stand up for myself
In reality, the proper way to handle this is for you, when she shouts, to calmly, firmly and QUIETLY say "I will not engage in shouting; it is ineffective and it harms the kids. I am taking the kids to another room. When you have calmed down and are ready to speak to me without shouting, we can continue this conversation and resolve it."

Start there.
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 07-03-2010, 08:55 AM
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Re: Wife never loved me. What do I do?

Has she been a SAHM? Are you willing to make whatever changes you need to make to be able to parent your kids at least 50% of the time? If you are, then you do not have to worry about "losing" your kids. Keep that in mind. Her threats are pointless.

Now, what have you done to address the marital issues? Have you done counseling? Given her illness, you have a lot of complexity to wade through--and using a therapist to help is basically essential. Maybe your w will become a normal, sane person again with help. Right now, she is being verbally abusive and that is NOT healthy for the kids. YOu should start documenting that just in case you feel she will or has turned to abuse on the kids and you need to protect them from her verbal abuse. Just note time, incident, duration, and a few comments. In fact, if you focus on the record keeping her abuse may have less significant impact on you and you may be able to respond it a way that helps diffuse her tirade. Don't count on it, but maybe!
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