Insecure Husband - Please Help!
I'm new here so thought I would get some input or advice from you. My husband and I are both 39 and have been married for over 8 years. I have been married before so I have a 13 yr. old and we have a 6 yr. old together. To start off I will give you some of our background. I was molested by a cousin when I was 8 yrs. old, never told my parents, he threatened to kill me. My parents weren't the loving, praise type people. My mother was very controlling. But my parents stayed married. He grew up in a home that his parents fought all the time and they eventually did get a divorce, he has had past relationships where the girl cheated on him.
Now with all that said, the issues we seem to be having for the most part of our marriage is that he complains about not getting enough attention, whether it be small or large (sex). He starts everyone of our fights. Now something I didn't mention above is that for me my physical health has declined so his arguments include that all my ailments are excuses to not have to be with him. He has told me that I need to start making other people happy and not worry about myself. That I am responsible for his happiness and that dealing with the trauma of the molestation that I have kept quit for 30 years is something that should not bother me. He expects that any time the kids are gone or any time we go out that we are to have sex. He also talks with his buddies about our sex life or lack there of. I have told him he cannot compare our marriage with his friends marriage. In our arguments I get to the point where there is no talking with him and I give clues by leaving the room or leaving the home altogether to try and get some space, because there is no talking it is just arguing with me being the one that is wrong. He follows me wherever I go, if I leave he keeps calling my cell phone. He does not take no for an answer. There is no getting away from him. Lately he has become more violent with throwing things at me and flipping tables. I have to just agree with him and say yah you are right I am wrong. Which leaves me feeling like I'm completely worthless.
I have started going to therapy to try and deal with my trauma's. He has went twice. Another of our issues is that I work full time, am involved in some extra curricular activites, boards and organizations, so essentially I have no time alone to myself when I get home. The kids are always there and the opportunity for some me time is never present. I can count on one hand how many times I have had the house to myself in the last 6 years. He gets time alone every day with his work schedule. Anyway the therapist said to me and to him that for my mental health I have got to have some time alone. She said he didn't go for it. Thought I didn't need it. She also said that when he had his sessions with her, that he was all pitiful poor me, I'm changing and she's not making a change. She said that she didn't think she would be able to get him to understand that this sort of trauma, by the way she has diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder (it is not just for war veterans), was going to take time, that it couldn't be changed over night.
I feel like I'm going insane. I actually started thinking, when I was at my lowest point, that maybe I am a screwup and everything was my fault. But I think I'm beginning to see that maybe he has some insecurity issues that are playing a part in this, he's not getting enough attention bit. He also does things that if I don't do something for him he turns around and has me do something for him, like rub his back or get him something out of the refigerator, or even as far as putting something of his in my way so that I have to move it and most of the time it is something he is very capable of doing himself. Also he has a very sharp tongue in the fact that if I do or say something that doesn't fit his bill he says something hateful or condescending to try and make me feel like crap.
Most of the time I just clam up and try not to say anything. Because I'm afraid of saying something I will regret. And I know that it doesn't matter what I say I'm going to be wrong. I really had hopes that therapy would help, but when the therapist even thinks that there is no hope of getting him to understand, then I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with this. It's looking alot like my first marriage, which was very controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive, which was why I got a divorce and it took me a couple of years to get out of the mental abuse part of it.
I need help. I do love him and think that we could have a great marriage, but I can't give him a perfect marriage that he wants. Your input and advice is greatly appreciated.