Insecure Husband - Please Help!
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Insecure Husband - Please Help!

I'm new here so thought I would get some input or advice from you. My husband and I are both 39 and have been married for over 8 years. I have been married before so I have a 13 yr. old and we have a 6 yr. old together. To start off I will give you some of our background. I was molested by a cousin when I was 8 yrs. old, never told my parents, he threatened to kill me. My parents weren't the loving, praise type people. My mother was very controlling. But my parents stayed married. He grew up in a home that his parents fought all the time and they eventually did get a divorce, he has had past relationships where the girl cheated on him.

Now with all that said, the issues we seem to be having for the most part of our marriage is that he complains about not getting enough attention, whether it be small or large (sex). He starts everyone of our fights. Now something I didn't mention above is that for me my physical health has declined so his arguments include that all my ailments are excuses to not have to be with him. He has told me that I need to start making other people happy and not worry about myself. That I am responsible for his happiness and that dealing with the trauma of the molestation that I have kept quit for 30 years is something that should not bother me. He expects that any time the kids are gone or any time we go out that we are to have sex. He also talks with his buddies about our sex life or lack there of. I have told him he cannot compare our marriage with his friends marriage. In our arguments I get to the point where there is no talking with him and I give clues by leaving the room or leaving the home altogether to try and get some space, because there is no talking it is just arguing with me being the one that is wrong. He follows me wherever I go, if I leave he keeps calling my cell phone. He does not take no for an answer. There is no getting away from him. Lately he has become more violent with throwing things at me and flipping tables. I have to just agree with him and say yah you are right I am wrong. Which leaves me feeling like I'm completely worthless.

I have started going to therapy to try and deal with my trauma's. He has went twice. Another of our issues is that I work full time, am involved in some extra curricular activites, boards and organizations, so essentially I have no time alone to myself when I get home. The kids are always there and the opportunity for some me time is never present. I can count on one hand how many times I have had the house to myself in the last 6 years. He gets time alone every day with his work schedule. Anyway the therapist said to me and to him that for my mental health I have got to have some time alone. She said he didn't go for it. Thought I didn't need it. She also said that when he had his sessions with her, that he was all pitiful poor me, I'm changing and she's not making a change. She said that she didn't think she would be able to get him to understand that this sort of trauma, by the way she has diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder (it is not just for war veterans), was going to take time, that it couldn't be changed over night.

I feel like I'm going insane. I actually started thinking, when I was at my lowest point, that maybe I am a screwup and everything was my fault. But I think I'm beginning to see that maybe he has some insecurity issues that are playing a part in this, he's not getting enough attention bit. He also does things that if I don't do something for him he turns around and has me do something for him, like rub his back or get him something out of the refigerator, or even as far as putting something of his in my way so that I have to move it and most of the time it is something he is very capable of doing himself. Also he has a very sharp tongue in the fact that if I do or say something that doesn't fit his bill he says something hateful or condescending to try and make me feel like crap.

Most of the time I just clam up and try not to say anything. Because I'm afraid of saying something I will regret. And I know that it doesn't matter what I say I'm going to be wrong. I really had hopes that therapy would help, but when the therapist even thinks that there is no hope of getting him to understand, then I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with this. It's looking alot like my first marriage, which was very controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive, which was why I got a divorce and it took me a couple of years to get out of the mental abuse part of it.

I need help. I do love him and think that we could have a great marriage, but I can't give him a perfect marriage that he wants. Your input and advice is greatly appreciated.
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Old 07-03-2010, 09:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Insecure Husband - Please Help!

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Originally Posted by troubledbeyondhope View Post
I'm new here so thought I would get some input or advice from you. My husband and I are both 39 and have been married for over 8 years. I have been married before so I have a 13 yr. old and we have a 6 yr. old together. To start off I will give you some of our background. I was molested by a cousin when I was 8 yrs. old, never told my parents, he threatened to kill me. My parents weren't the loving, praise type people. My mother was very controlling. But my parents stayed married. He grew up in a home that his parents fought all the time and they eventually did get a divorce, he has had past relationships where the girl cheated on him.

Now with all that said, the issues we seem to be having for the most part of our marriage is that he complains about not getting enough attention, whether it be small or large (sex). He starts everyone of our fights. Now something I didn't mention above is that for me my physical health has declined so his arguments include that all my ailments are excuses to not have to be with him. He has told me that I need to start making other people happy and not worry about myself. That I am responsible for his happiness and that dealing with the trauma of the molestation that I have kept quit for 30 years is something that should not bother me. He expects that any time the kids are gone or any time we go out that we are to have sex. He also talks with his buddies about our sex life or lack there of. I have told him he cannot compare our marriage with his friends marriage. In our arguments I get to the point where there is no talking with him and I give clues by leaving the room or leaving the home altogether to try and get some space, because there is no talking it is just arguing with me being the one that is wrong. He follows me wherever I go, if I leave he keeps calling my cell phone. He does not take no for an answer. There is no getting away from him. Lately he has become more violent with throwing things at me and flipping tables. I have to just agree with him and say yah you are right I am wrong. Which leaves me feeling like I'm completely worthless.

I have started going to therapy to try and deal with my trauma's. He has went twice. Another of our issues is that I work full time, am involved in some extra curricular activites, boards and organizations, so essentially I have no time alone to myself when I get home. The kids are always there and the opportunity for some me time is never present. I can count on one hand how many times I have had the house to myself in the last 6 years. He gets time alone every day with his work schedule. Anyway the therapist said to me and to him that for my mental health I have got to have some time alone. She said he didn't go for it. Thought I didn't need it. She also said that when he had his sessions with her, that he was all pitiful poor me, I'm changing and she's not making a change. She said that she didn't think she would be able to get him to understand that this sort of trauma, by the way she has diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder (it is not just for war veterans), was going to take time, that it couldn't be changed over night.

I feel like I'm going insane. I actually started thinking, when I was at my lowest point, that maybe I am a screwup and everything was my fault. But I think I'm beginning to see that maybe he has some insecurity issues that are playing a part in this, he's not getting enough attention bit. He also does things that if I don't do something for him he turns around and has me do something for him, like rub his back or get him something out of the refigerator, or even as far as putting something of his in my way so that I have to move it and most of the time it is something he is very capable of doing himself. Also he has a very sharp tongue in the fact that if I do or say something that doesn't fit his bill he says something hateful or condescending to try and make me feel like crap.

Most of the time I just clam up and try not to say anything. Because I'm afraid of saying something I will regret. And I know that it doesn't matter what I say I'm going to be wrong. I really had hopes that therapy would help, but when the therapist even thinks that there is no hope of getting him to understand, then I don't know what to do. I don't know how to deal with this. It's looking alot like my first marriage, which was very controlling, emotionally and mentally abusive, which was why I got a divorce and it took me a couple of years to get out of the mental abuse part of it.

I need help. I do love him and think that we could have a great marriage, but I can't give him a perfect marriage that he wants. Your input and advice is greatly appreciated.

Yes there are always two sides so no doubt there's some credibility at least to his part of the story, but for sure you sound like you've got an awful lot on your plate.
What was to love about him when you got together? What about him has changed? Has his behaviour/demeanour changed since you came upfront about your childhood abuse?
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Old 07-03-2010, 10:35 AM   #3 (permalink)
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He wasn't as demanding or insecure it seems when we first got together. And honestly there has been nothing about our marriage that has changed except for another child thrown in and health issues. But reflecting back on our first year, was when he started with the not enough, threatening divorce, etc. The other thing I forgot to say was we were in the same class all thru school, graduated together. He even admits that he had a crush on me for many years through school & afterwards. I have loved him from the start because he is good to me, we have alot of the same values. I don't think his opinion or demeaner has changed since the outing of the molestation, but he seems to think that I use that as a weapon.

And in all honesty, I didn't know how much that event had effected me until he started with the sex issue. I've never had anyone push this hard for sex. And the more I really thought about why I do the things I do or why I am the way I am (which is I've never been a happy person so to speak) I can only pin it back to the fact that I was violated and used and tainted by someone that was supposed to be trustworthy.

It's just really hard for me to take all the blame on this. When I've had several serious relationships and have never had this particular problem with a mate. I know very well that I have issues that have got to fixed, reason for therapy 30 yrs. later, I do have a lot of stress, more than he does. Work, kids, house, more financial burdens, etc. But it is almost like he's not willing to understand and learn together how to deal with our problems. It is literally draining the life energy out of me.

Sorry for ranting.
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Old 07-03-2010, 10:53 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I think there is too much unbending going on from both sides. He is demanding and abusive. You are sick and traumatized. Something has to give but neither of you will....or maybe neither of you can. I don't know. But what you expect him to understand is too much to understand. You cannot build and maintain a relationship on your woes. And at the same time, you keep putting up with his abuse and modifying your behavior and self esteem to either accommodate him or to avoid him and his inevitable conflict. Conversely, he wants sex, but you expect him to understand you can't give him the attention he needs because of what happened many years ago. I am not reducing the significance at all. I'm simply asking you to take a look at how dysfunctional your marriage is and the vicious cycle that is without end. If all of that is not enough, you are never going to want sex with him because of the way he treats you.

You have to fix yourself before you can fix your marriage. You have to fix yourself before you can even have a marriage. In addition to dealing with the molestation and the post traumatic stress, you need to understand and figure out why you keep choosing abusive men. Moreover, you have to analyze yourself to determine why it is you want all the love and understanding but are unable and, therefore, unwilling to give love and understanding due to all your issues. It is particularly selfish and needy on your part. You want too much, give too little, and tolerate exceedingly more than you should. Why hasn't your therapist figured this out yet. She just wanted to dump on your husband. He is a jerk and a handful all by himself, but she is YOUR therapist. It doesn't sound like she is helping you at all.

Sorry if sympathy and confirming responses are what you wanted, but I don't have to set you up for weekly sessions at $450/hour.
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Old 07-03-2010, 11:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
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You can do two things. First, continue therapy to start to feel you have the RIGHT to want what you want. You don't, because of your upbringing. You will have to learn it. Start by reading Boundaries in Marriage. It will change your life. You will have to start TAKING time for yourself. For 3 years, my therapist tried to get me to just say "I'm going out for a few hours" on a Saturday. I could never make myself do it. He had that much control over me (that I LET him have).

Sorry, but this is not something where HE has to LET you take time off. You JUST DO IT. "Honey, I've got a manicure scheduled; the kids are yours for the next 3 hours." THEN LEAVE.

Two, you may have to go ahead and separate for your needed break, if he is unwilling to compromise. For now, let him know you are CONSIDERING leaving him if something doesn't change. When he tells you it's your problem, you reply, 'No, it is YOUR problem, too, because I WILL leave you if something doesn't change.'

You have to wrap your brain around this.
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Old 07-03-2010, 11:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Both of you have very good and solid points. I will admit that we both are very hard headed, although for seperate reasons. This is very difficult to wrap my brain around because this is the way I have lived for 30 years, not something I or anyone else can change overnight. I just wish my husband would really love me, understand me, help me, guide me to get through this emotional roller coaster so that I can be a better person all around. Let me ask this. How can anyone put the responsibility on another that they are responsible for their happiness and they should take no repsonsibility for it themselves? That is what I can't wrap my brain around. Don't they always say that you have to be happy with yourself before you can make someone else happy? That's burden of this marriage that I struggle with. He does not own his happiness. I'm responsible. That is something that me or no one else is ever going to be able to fullfil. I hope therapy helps, it's the only resolve I think we have now, that is if I don't get this train off the track that is headed to crazy mountain!! Even when I try to get away for some time he throws it back at me that it's me being selfish. I've challenged him to live my life for one week and see how he feels at the end. He won't do it!!

I agree we both have to give. I'm just afraid that my giving won't be enough and he will want more than I can give. Then there is no end.
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Old 07-03-2010, 11:41 AM   #7 (permalink)
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How can anyone put the responsibility on another that they are responsible for their happiness and they should take no repsonsibility for it themselves? That is what I can't wrap my brain around. Don't they always say that you have to be happy with yourself before you can make someone else happy? That's burden of this marriage that I struggle with. He does not own his happiness. I'm responsible.
This can potentially border on abuse. Not saying he is, but that trait is very much one of the traits of an abusive - or at least controlling - person. Such people are often that way because of insecurity.

Get the book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men. It is a VERY important book and can turn things around for you.
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Old 07-03-2010, 12:35 PM   #8 (permalink)
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You seem to have good awareness and understanding. He is completley lacking this verified by the therapist.

You dont have a lot of choices. I really doubt you can have a good marriage unless the light goes on in this guy's head. He's abusive and self centered.

It sounds like you lack the self esteem to rise up and do something. I would really work on that part of it before he really wrecks you.
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Old 07-05-2010, 11:45 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Thank you for all your input and advice. Turnera I have ordered the books you have suggested and am excited to read them and understand and learn. Maybe with help we can salvage ourselves as individuals and as a couple. Surely with effort, committment and love, the sum of us will be greater than the parts. Thank you all again.
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