sarah1971

After going through a long term marriage then divorce where my husband left me for another woman. Now I'm having to deal with the same pain/problem with my first real relationship since my separation. Turns out this new guy unknown to me was still looking on match.com when he was dating me . Found someone he really "connected with" and left me high and dry after what seemed like a perfect relationship.(see old posts). So now I'm dealing with the same emotions as when my husband left me..confusion,rejection,sadness and a sense of stupidity wondering why I did not see this coming.

I don't know if I just have bad luck or is it something I'm doing or not doing.

I do know when I 1st start dating someone I'm not up front with guys with what I expect from the relationship. A problem I have always had. Meaning instead of asking what they want out of a relationship or what they want from this relationship I just go with the flow of things. Also I tend to be afraid to ask questions if something sounds shady . The reason is I feel if I seem to nosy or pushy/demanding early on in a relationship I'll drive them away. I mean who wants to date a controlling [censored]. So I tend to keep my mouth shut about things that maybe I should not.

Do you think if I'm up front with guys right in the beginning this will solve some of the problems of cheating/lying? I'm so discouraged from this last disaster I feel all men are dogs. What if anything can I do to prevent this happening in the next relationship I get into?

Kobo

Well it hasn't worked the other way. Guys that are worth it aren't afraid of a woman who wants to be sure of where the relationship is headed. As long as you are willing to answer his questions then I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't think that guarantees that a guy won't cheat though.
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greeneyeddolphin

You've already answered your own question: What you're doing wrong is not being up front and confronting them. If you haven't already, figure out what it is you're looking to get from a relationship. Then, if you use a dating site be up front in your profile about what you're looking for ("Although I'm not looking to get married today, I do hope to marry again one day. At the moment, I'm looking for a nice guy that I can have fun going to movies and dinner with, and that will lead to a longterm monogamous relationship"). If you meet a guy out somewhere and go on a date with him, don't necessarily bring it up on the first date, but I'd say by date three I'd ask exactly what it is he's looking for, if for no other reason than to know where you stand.

If something seems odd to you, ask about it. Either they clear it up and you continue dating, or they don't and you move on. Better to move on early on because something was off than to have invested your time, your emotions and more into him and then be trying to move on. Confrontation doesn't have to mean a screamfest in the parking lot. It can be as simple as, "You live in an apartment on Spring Street? That's odd, I could swear I remember you saying you had a house out on Lake Drive. Am I mistaken?" It's an easy way for them to save face if it's a simple matter of he fibbed to impress you out of good but misguided intentions, but lets them know you're onto them. And if there's a lot of things like that, consider that he might not be the guy for you.

I'll be honest with you, my boyfriend and I met on okcupid.com. And we discussed what we wanted from a relationship before we ever even met in person. We were both very clear that we were looking to eventually be married. In fact, as my boyfriend phrased it, "There's two ways this can go. Either we break up early on, or we eventually get married and become a family." We didn't break up. I think his statement is a good way to look at it, though. If eventual commitment and marriage is what you're looking for, then there is only two ways it can go: you either break up or you get married. And do you really want to marry a guy to find out he's a loser or a jerk or a cheater or any of the other countless things you could find out just by confronting his shady parts?

Good luck!

pretzelsandbeer

Sarah, from a man's perspective I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

First, when you're dating, some relationships will work and some won't. There are lots of fish in the pond but you won't catch every one. I don't mean to minimuize your feelings, but if a guy likes some other girl better it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.

Second, early in a relationship I think it's good practice to go with the flow, as you out. When it starts to look like there may be a future in the relationship, or if it becomes clear that one of you is more invested in it than the other, that's the time to start asking "what do we want from this".

So my advice; don't knock yourself down, and don't quit trying.

- Pretz