I Hurt My Wife
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Old 06-14-2008, 07:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy I Hurt My Wife

Weve been married for 10 yrs now together for ovr 12. About 6 months to a year before we ever started dating me and a friend I have known since jr high had a 1 night drunken stand..Since then she married on of my best friends who knows because they started dating right after, actually later that week. It has never been talked about ever it happened I wasnt proud it happened and I dont think she was either. We all started hanging out about 6 yrs ago their kids are the same age as ours she is one of my wifes best friends. I thought my wife knew and it never came up. She knew we "dated" for a couple of days before she met her current husband but as I found out last night that was it. Now nothing has ever happened since with our friend or anyone else. Last night they had girls night out and were talking about how who met who and our friend got real nervous. So my wife asked me about it I didnt want to go there because we had both had a couple of drinks but it went there and badly. She feels like we have lied and betrayed her since everyone knew but her. So how do I start to repair the damage of something I did and didnt tell her about.
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Old 06-14-2008, 07:27 PM   #2 (permalink)
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OK...this is going to sound mean but....you did this before you and your wife started Dating...tell her it none of her business....Do you hassle her about her ex FLings....she has to understand that it didn't go in when you were with her....

When you started dating you had to earn her love and respect(damn I didn't even think about that for my situation....)
Either way you dedicated your self to her....need to explain Tactfully that it was in your past....and that you love her, not this other chick.

Then be there to comfort to the best of your abilities her insecurities.
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Old 06-14-2008, 07:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I dont think the problem is that we did the deed. I think it's I never told her about it after all these years and that they have become friends.
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Old 06-14-2008, 08:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I think I would be upset too because if it were me, and I knew about it in the first place I probaly would not have been so close to the woman in question. So now I think you might consider telling your wife that your sorry that you have not been completely open with her but that is not to say you meant any harm by not telling her and have not been keeping other things from her as well. She might have to deal with being jealous now, and that can be a bit hard on her since she is friends with this person.
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Old 06-15-2008, 04:26 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I Hurt My Wife

I agree with Faeluna here too. If I had known about it in advance, I probably would have kept some distance from this other woman too - just kind of awkward.

I would say a big part of the issue for me would be this obvious 'hiding' of the fact that has been going on - maybe not on your part (if you assumed she had known), but on the girlfriend's side. If it had come out from her as 'omg, i remember when i hooked up with him before you guys started dating', or if it had been 'well, i don't really want to talk about it, talk to him'. That's a difference.

Yeah, it's a pity that your wife is in this situation now, but you haven't done anything wrong imho (as long as you did not try to consciously keep this info from her). Your wife will have to make some decisons about her feelings regarding the girlfriend.

I would suggest supporting her, telling her you're sorry that she found out this way, but honestly believed she knew about it (what did she think you two were doing when you dated?). And tell her that you want her to feel okay with everything and you're behind her whatever she decides (i.e. breaking contact with the girlfriend or the circle of friends, at least for a while).

Even though it was over a decade ago, your wife is just now finding out about this, and some of her reactions will probably be as if it just happened a few months ago. If/when you all get together, she'll probably be watching the interactions between you and the girlfriend with a magnifiying glass.
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Old 06-16-2008, 09:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I'm sure she would have rather you told her right when you both restarted a friendship with them, but I can understand from your end that the past is the past and why bring up something that might upset her. At this point, she is probably feeling hurt that you shared a 'secret' with this woman and she was out of the loop, almost like being played for as a fool all this time. I would take care to ensure your wife knows why you didn't tell her this before now (in your mind it was insignificant because it happened before you met and it was a one time thing) and also be thoughtful for how this has made her feel hearing it now...I wish I had told you as soon as we started hanging out with them because I don't want you to feel that I keep things from you. You are closer to me than anyone else and I can see where this might make you feel that you are not, etc.
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Old 06-16-2008, 07:51 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Let her know that it was a one night thing, it was before the two of you, and it has not impacted your relationship, isn't going to impact your relationship (unless she lets it) and it is a thing of the past. Let her know that you didn't know about how she would feel about it, and you didn't mean to lie to her by not telling her, and you felt there was no wrong done.
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Old 06-16-2008, 08:09 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I call shenanigans.

Validate her feelings, yes. But I would insist that she validate yours as well.

If your wife is emotionally thrown off base by a single event that occurred a lifetime ago, something seems off. By your account, it wasn't discussed because neither you, nor the woman at the time was very proud of what happened. Had the two of you (you and your wife) previously shared or discussed your sexual history, and you left that bit out?

You guys were on solid ground before this ?

So, I guess the bigger issue is, she is wondering what else you have hidden, or are hiding from her?

This is truly a non-issue if the events are as you describe. Choosing not to discuss something that you aren't proud of, that happened over ten frikkin years ago is not a betrayal.

I would also recommend that you do not behave as if you have done something wrong. That will simply feed the notion that you feel guilty, and her mistrust of you is justified - and that simply is not the case. Give her time to process it. Don't keep bringing it up, and if she is unable after a time to recognize this is a red herring in the scheme of your life together, revisit her feelings and ask how she thinks the two of you can resolve those feelings.
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Old 06-16-2008, 11:16 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You should have taken this information to the grave with you. There is no reason why your wife should have known at all. She was not in a relationship with you at the time. I believe that it is NOT a good thing to rehash anything that happened BEFORE you were together. In fact, in the future, if you have an indiscretion, don't burden her with it. (This does NOT mean that I condone affairs)

You are really going to have to smooth this over, and I would start with a love letter to your wife. Do NOT mention anything else but how much you love her. And I mean write this letter from your heart and soul. Take a few days to write it out. DO NOT show anyone this letter. Mean every word you say to her. Get to a quiet place and start writing.

You'll both be alright. Just be sure that she knows just how much you love her, and for godsake, do not mention the old flame.

Take care.

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Old 06-18-2008, 02:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
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It really is none of her business what you did prior to her, it is jealousy and plain petty.

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Old 06-18-2008, 08:44 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by draconis View Post
It really is none of her business what you did prior to her, it is jealousy and plain petty.

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