How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?
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Old 07-07-2010, 09:25 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

Before I go on, let me say that I love my wife more than anything and wouldn't dream of cheating on her or leaving her even if she ballooned up to 300 pounds. Having said that, my wife has put on around 40-50 pounds since we got married four years ago. To make things clear, she hasn't had a baby and she is only 27. She simply has gone into "I know that my man isn't going anywhere, so I can let go" mode. The problem is that she is now not my "type" anymore in terms of body type. I have absolutely no desire to see her naked and I have pretty much stopped initiating sex. We still have sex regularly, but she is almost always the one that initiates it. She is starting to catch on that I am not initiating sex anymore, so she is questioning me as to whether I think she is sexy or not, etc. I know that women have a need to be desired, and I would like nothing more than to satisfy this need. However, I am not a good actor/liar and whenever I try to initiate sex to make her happy (feel desired) it comes across as half-assed. I'll say it again, I love her more than anything, but men become "excited" with their eyes, not their hearts. I don't dare say that she has gotten too fat, as I have hinted with no success in the past (i.e., "why don't you exercise a bit...etc."), only to have her get defensive. What should I do?


As a side note, we have a home gym, an exercise bike, and a Wii Fit (that she "HAD" to have in order to exercise). She simply doesn't use them even after I prod her a bit. I also have tried to get us to eat healthier, but she snacks after we eat our healthier meals.
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Old 07-07-2010, 09:42 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?





over a pint of guinness, me dear o'seth monahan. aye, a pint indeed!

No...make that a half-pint & a wee bit.(calories....)
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Old 07-07-2010, 09:43 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

At this rate she is headed straight at adult onset diabetes. WORSE this risks future health problems for children if you choose to have them.

At the rate she is going she WILL have a host of health problems.

Have you tried specifically telling her you are setting aside time for the two of you to walk at night? Or do some other very caloric activity? You need to press that point - "we are young and we BOTH need to stay active".

As for desire - I would tell her. But then - my wife told me when my weight was an issue. It hurt, but it helped. I fixed it.

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Originally Posted by monahan_seth View Post
Before I go on, let me say that I love my wife more than anything and wouldn't dream of cheating on her or leaving her even if she ballooned up to 300 pounds. Having said that, my wife has put on around 40-50 pounds since we got married four years ago. To make things clear, she hasn't had a baby and she is only 27. She simply has gone into "I know that my man isn't going anywhere, so I can let go" mode. The problem is that she is now not my "type" anymore in terms of body type. I have absolutely no desire to see her naked and I have pretty much stopped initiating sex. We still have sex regularly, but she is almost always the one that initiates it. She is starting to catch on that I am not initiating sex anymore, so she is questioning me as to whether I think she is sexy or not, etc. I know that women have a need to be desired, and I would like nothing more than to satisfy this need. However, I am not a good actor/liar and whenever I try to initiate sex to make her happy (feel desired) it comes across as half-assed. I'll say it again, I love her more than anything, but men become "excited" with their eyes, not their hearts. I don't dare say that she has gotten too fat, as I have hinted with no success in the past (i.e., "why don't you exercise a bit...etc."), only to have her get defensive. What should I do?


As a side note, we have a home gym, an exercise bike, and a Wii Fit (that she "HAD" to have in order to exercise). She simply doesn't use them even after I prod her a bit. I also have tried to get us to eat healthier, but she snacks after we eat our healthier meals.
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

Well my first thought in answer to your question was 'from a safe distance'....

Being serious though I think you telling her is only part of the solution. What you need to do is support her through this. It sounds like she has thought about weight loss (the wiifit would suggest that) but perhaps she is daunted by it. Help her find an exercise she loves, be that swimming, a class, tbh even getting out and doing a decent amount of walking would help her.

One other thing to consider is the contraception you are using. If she is taking anything hormonal such as the pill, or has implants, they can wreak havoc and make weight gain happen very quickly (and make it very hard to shift).

I do think you should tell her. My H did not tell me and I wish he had. Now in one of the great ironies of life I am shifting alot of weight because of the miserable state of our marriage, and he is completely disconnected from me. So maybe telling her now will mean you won't end up where we are!
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

You may wish to frame the discussion more around your concern for her health than your lack of attraction to her.

Diabetes sucks. I speak from personal experience that gastroparesis and perianal abscesses aren't really worth the freedom of eating as many chocolate Payday bars as you want.
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

The input you get on this tends to vary - based upon the gender of the respondent.

The best suggestion I can make, as MEM points out, is to pull her in to your activities. I'm presuming that you do work out. If not, start. You can't possibly expect her to exercise for you, if you don't exercise for you. The goal is that she wants to exercise for own sense of health and well being.

She obviously doesn't place a lot of value on those things now.

If she resists, your only other option is to be honest and frank. If she asks if you think she's sexy, tell her 'I want to, but no.'
You opened your post by saying that you love your wife and would never consider leaving her or cheating on her.

If she thinks that too - then you need to shake up the dynamic.
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Old 07-07-2010, 10:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

My first thought was 'ouch!' then 'tell her from a from a safe distance'....

I am a UK 14 and have been thinking of how I would react (do react when H tells me I need to lose weight)

Then I got to thinking what would make me lose some weight?

1) photos of me - gawd I hate them. Get the camera out, take some photos of the two of you, nice happy smilie photos - print some out and put on the fridge. (looking at my double chin everytime I went to the firdge might make me re think that snack)

2) go shopping together - you pick some healthy snacks - healthy easy grab snacks. After the healthy meal, treat you both to a bowl of fruit and yoghurt - I love pudding, the thought of fruit and yoghurt is yack, but if it is put in front of me, I would enjoy it. Its about habbit isnt it.

3) walks together - insist!

4) time each other on the gym stuff you have - set 2 days a week aside.

5) oh competition... either against each other or a race with a price at the end - childish, but if there is a new pair of shoes at the end if i loose 7lb i will do it!!

5) money pot. for every lb I lose, i put x in and you -put in double that.... more shoe money lol

hmmm seems like I am suggesting you do all the work for me to lose weight

Losing weight comes easy for some, for others is does not! it cant be made a chore.

eating can be like smoking, an addiction - we need to change our habbits and we need help to do that - I can tell you love her enough to help and in the end it will help you too.

Lx

PS please do not tell her she looks fat x (oh and "if you keep on eating we are going to have to buy you a new wardrobe of clothes" does not work... I wanted the new clothes then )
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Old 07-08-2010, 09:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

Ok listen:
You gotta sit down with your wife and tell her straight that she is gaining weight and you don't want her to suffer later on (u know, obesity, diabetes, back or bone problems).
After this, remind her that you love her more than anything and that's why you're telling her this, because nobody else will care for her health and image like you do.
And finally plan TOGETHER either exercising at home a couple of hours per day, or joining the gym and cooking healthier meals (less sugar and fats).
It's all about how you say it.

I'm telling you because that's how my bf got me into the gym, cuz he wants me healthy but he sets me a good example too by exercising at home, jogging and stuff. ) hope it helps.
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Old 07-08-2010, 10:59 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

The hints, "prodding her a bit," suggestions to exercise together, trying to make it all about her health, whatever you can think up to do - even in a gentle manner - are not going to work. It's probably best not to assume your wife is stupid. She will know what you are *hinting* at and won't appreciate the hints. It's best to sit down and tell her "I'd like you to lose weight" and THEN tell her it is also a health issue and that you want her around forever. Ask her, don't suggest, if the two of you can begin an exercise routine and healthier eating together. If you can afford it, let her know you support however she wants to go about losing the weight - doctor weight loss center, Curves for Women, health spa, diet & fitness retreat, etc. Don't have something to say about everything (or anything) she eats. She wouldn't care for you being the diet police or her monitor, and you will reverse any progress she was able to make.
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Old 07-08-2010, 01:38 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

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Originally Posted by Hunt Brown View Post
I mean really.... you make love to the person, not the body.
Dude said he doesn't find his wife attractive. No difference between if he doesn't find her attractive because she is obese - and at 10+ pounds over 5 years, yes, she is likely obese; or if she doesn't find him attractive because he leaves dishes in the sink and plays Xbox. The person is the issue.

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Originally Posted by Hunt Brown View Post
if she going to lose weight, she's got to get behind whatever has lead her to weight gain. you can help her there by listening, but interacting with her, by asking how you can help.
This is good. Absolutely agree. You can't want it for her. I still don't know why people get a pass when it comes to 'prodding' about weight, whereas in my analogy above, most folks would agree that you should just clean the damn dishes and put the joystick down.

What I also know is if she starts to see results, that she is happy with, and you in turn are happy with, then that is about all of the motivation required to do something good for yourself. Success breeds success.


Who does the food shopping? Care to share a typical inventory of your refrigerator?
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Old 07-08-2010, 02:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

Don't be making assumptions for WHY she gained weight. That's called a Disrespectful Judgment and unfair.

That said, what kind of marriage can you have if you cannot be honest with her?

Just tell her the truth.
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Old 07-08-2010, 05:49 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

Coming from an overweight wife, I will tell you that your wife probably knows that you don't like the way she looks naked because believe me neither does she. I am a mother with a 3 year old daughter and a 12 year old step daughter and after having my daughter my weight has just yo yoed. Recently I found out my husband had an affair and my weight has been even worse going up and down. Whatever you do don't play the health card because she already knows all of that. chances are she has given up on losing and needs some encouragement. I suggest encouraging her and offering to do it with her. Be her workout buddy, I know I would love to do that with my husband or even wish I had time away from the kids to be able to work out. I wish you all the best and I hope things work out for you both.
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Old 07-08-2010, 06:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Talking Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

u know yer W better than anyone here.

u know what will work n what wont. my guess is up front n honest and most of all involved. involved was first thing i thought the first time i read yer complaint.

so get off yer high horse n get involved, and shake up that belief of hers thinkin u wont leave/cheat, w/out exactly saying so, i think was what deejo was hinting at.

besides that/this, what do u weigh these days sean me'boy?
u didnt tell us.
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Old 07-09-2010, 10:14 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

I gained 20 lbs since I met my husband 2 years ago, part of the problem was that he introduced me to heartier and bigger portions of fattier foods.

But I noticed on my own that I gained the weight and I wanted to lose it, but it was very hard to find the motivation. You get set into habits and my habits involved eating and sitting around.

I hate exercise or anything that feels like exercise, but I've been able to lose 10-15 lbs of it by making small changes in my routine. I still eat the same stuff, I just eat smaller portions of it. So if you are doing the cooking, just try to limit the amount on her plate, put away any extras so she won't eat them for seconds and try to fill her up on healthier, low-calorie foods like fruits and vegetables. Don't fry things, try grilling or baking things you would normally fry. Also, my husband and I have been going for 30 minute walks or bike rides, which for me, doesn't really feel like exercising. And if you help with the groceries, don't buy junk food... just getting it out of the house so it's not an option can make a huge difference.

Also, if you do approach her about it, try not to approach her in a way that will make her think she isn't sexy... come at it from a health perspective, like you are concerned about how this is affecting her, not your sex life.

Just try to take a pro-active stance on it. Lead by example. Maybe she will jump on board.
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Old 07-09-2010, 11:38 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: How do I tell my wife that she is getting too fat to be sexually desirable?

*Not on topic*

Health and fitness is a big deal to me. One of the biggest pieces of framing that discussion with anyone is eating habits.

For the most part, for many Americans, particularly young Americans, eating is an entirely passive process. There is no thought about 'what' goes into our mouths. We allow that do be dictated primarily by marketing and the media. Crappy food is cheaper than healthy food. Americans are far more sedentary as we move into the 21st century. From a health cost perspective, the figures are in the billions.

1 in 3 U.S. children are now considered overweight or obese.
2 out of 3 adults in the U.S. are overweight or obese.

Dieting is never, ever, going to cut it. What you need to think in terms of, is changing the way you eat - for life.

Simple stuff?
Cut out soda. If you drink 12 oz of soda a day, and swap it out for water, or carbonated water - you shed 15 pounds in a year.
Eat an apple instead of a donut or bag of chips. Exponentially less calories, but will actually make you feel more full.

Just stop and think about what you are putting in your mouth. Add on top of that an extremely mild exercise routine - of say walking for 20 minutes a day and the results would be staggering.
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