General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I just graduated from school and I told my husband and best friend that I just wanted a "small and simple" party. Well the plan they came up with was for it to be at my house (great, because guess who will be preparing the house before the party and cleaning it after wards) and we will be cooking and there will be a large movie screen in the backyard with a projector, my husband has invited everybody he knows, and "other surprises". I got a little upset with him because I'm not sure what part of that fits the bill "small and simple." It really just sounds like a lot of work for me to do.
So we got into a little argument about that last night, which ended up with him telling me that I make him feel like he never does anything right. Which is really not what I think of him at all. I just think he didn't listen to anything that I said I wanted in this party.
Then somehow last night, my husband told me that he hopes I won't get mad if he wants to go "spend a weekend with the guys." I asked him where this came from, and he tells me that he never gets to spend time alone with any of his friends. I was surprised because I didn't even know that he wasn't happy with the way things were going. All of our friends are married or almost married, and we always do things with them as couples, we see at least one pair of them almost every weekend, and he plays hockey on Tuesday nights in the same league with some of the guys. I'm just confused because he always asks me if I want to watch his games and go with him. He always asks me if I want to do stuff with this couple or that couple. If he didn't want me there, why would he ask me? Then he makes me feel like it's my fault that he doesn't get alone time with them.
We have spent almost every day of the last two weeks together in the evening and also a 4 day weekend that we spent the entire time together. I thought things were going great. We weren't arguing, I thought the time we spent was quality time, then I get this "you never let me go out" stuff from him and it just undermines all the good that I had seen the past few weeks. It makes me just want to give him all the time that he wants and go do things by myself. But then he calls today and asks "what do you want to do tonight?" as if he can't wait to see me.
Sounds like he got his feelings hurt because of your response to his party. His heart was in the right place, but like most of us guys, he wasn't really "thinking" about it. You came it wrong in your response to his party planning and he probably felt attacked. He was wrong in not listening to your wishes and not fully planning everything well.
It sounds like his request to go out with his guy friends are there because he has his nose out of joint and he got his feelings hurt.
Little fights like this are a norm to marriage and something you will always go through. Just make sure you both sit down and talk about it now that the moment has passed and you both can discuss it on calmer terms.
Then somehow last night, my husband told me that he hopes I won't get mad if he wants to go "spend a weekend with the guys." I asked him where this came from, and he tells me that he never gets to spend time alone with any of his friends. I was surprised because I didn't even know that he wasn't happy with the way things were going. All of our friends are married or almost married, and we always do things with them as couples, we see at least one pair of them almost every weekend, and he plays hockey on Tuesday nights in the same league with some of the guys. I'm just confused because he always asks me if I want to watch his games and go with him. He always asks me if I want to do stuff with this couple or that couple. If he didn't want me there, why would he ask me? Then he makes me feel like it's my fault that he doesn't get alone time with them.
We weren't arguing, I thought the time we spent was quality time, then I get this "you never let me go out" stuff from him and it just undermines all the good that I had seen the past few weeks. It makes me just want to give him all the time that he wants and go do things by myself. But then he calls today and asks "what do you want to do tonight?" as if he can't wait to see me.
I don't understand him.
Maybe you aren't giving us the full picture, but based off of what you told us, he simply stated that he wished he had more time with the guys. As far as I can tell, that is all he said.
Then it looks like you jump to conclusions that he is thinking "you never let me go out." Did he actually say that? Did he actually express that he doesn't enjoy the time he spends with you? I feel like you are making all of this stuff up in your head (again, based on what you gave us).
I think i know exactly what your husband is feeling. I went through it myself and my wife made an absurd deal out of it. I thouroughly enjoy my time with my wife, but there is no substitute for "guy" time. Every guy needs it. If you don't understand it, admit it, but also admit that it is important for him. I'm guessing he got caught up in all of the time you two spent together, time flies, and all of the sudden he realizes he hasn't done much with the guys lately. It means nothing about your relationship. You are over thinking it. It just means that now he is stepping up and admitting he needs some free time.
Too much time together is a bad thing. You both should have your own time apart. I think that is very healthy for a relationship.
oh, and as far as the party thing goes, he certainly did not listen to your requests. Im guessing his heart was in the right place thinking he was doing something awesome for you, but didn't pause to listen to you describe what exactly you would like. Sounds like a communication issue, just try to work on it
Yeah, maybe I am not giving you the full picture. He has 1 friend that i really didn't like, and it really didn't have anything to do with his friend per se, it had more to do with the fact that my husband would become an a$$hole to me whenever he was around this friend.
Other than that, I've never had a problem with him going out with his friends, but he's also never said "oh hey, I'm going out with so-and-so today." So for me to be accused of not letting him go out with his friends, yeah, I'm taking it kind of personally. And yes I directly translate "I want more time with the guys" as "I'd like less time with you." Which is fine with me, because I can come up with things to do myself. It just upset me that I guess he pretends that he likes spending all this time with me, then when he gets upset with me, he goes off on me telling me that he doesn't ever get to see his friends. Who we see every weekend. And not to mention that several times I have been tired and told him to go without me, to which he replies "no, I don't want to go if you're not going." So it seems I really can't win.... there, a more complete picture for you.
And yes I directly translate "I want more time with the guys" as "I'd like less time with you." Which is fine with me, because I can come up with things to do myself.
It doesn't SOUND like it's okay with you. Reading between the lines and the "tone" of your post you sound hurt and a bit mad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lookingforblueskies
It just upset me that I guess he pretends that he likes spending all this time with me, then when he gets upset with me, he goes off on me telling me that he doesn't ever get to see his friends.
He probably knows it bothers you and is probably doing it to get back at you for upsetting him. Is it juvenile? Yep. But, it's fairly normal and standard. My wife and I have been married over a decade and we do the same kind of stuff from time to time. The thing is to know when you are doing it, and talk about it together without getting all snippy with each other.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lookingforblueskies
So it seems I really can't win.... there, a more complete picture for you.
Sounds to me you both just need to sit down and talk things out together. My wife and I have these kind of "arguments" every 3 or 4 months or so. It's a fight that starts over something fairly small and just escalates. I say something, she says something and then we both start going below the belt. Those fights usually last a few days till we both realize how childish we are both being, and end up apologizing to each other for being stupid...
That direct translation is part of the problem. My boyfriend is a truck driver (was? We might be getting a new job for both of us, so he won't be gone anymore, but I digress), and is/was gone 2-3 weeks at a stretch. He recently lost his job, and has been home with me the last 2 weeks. I love the man more than anyone or anything except our kids, but trust me, there are moments when I'm glad when he says, "I need to go get some smokes" or "I need some Red Bull" or whatever. I love to spend tons and tons of time with him, but I still need a break from him, as he does from me.
It's nothing against you, it's nothing against your relationship. It's just a simple fact that everyone needs a little alone time, or a little time with their friends.
I think what's happened here is that he got his feelings hurt, so he lashed out, and now your feelings are hurt, so you're lashing out, and communication has just completely broken down. Yes, the party he planned wasn't what you wanted. And I can understand the frustration with that. But at the same time, maybe you could have shown a little appreciation for all that he did. "Wow, honey. I only wanted a simple little party, and you just went all out. This isn't quite what I wanted, but I appreciate the thought, the sentiment and all the work you put into this. Thank you, babe." Remember the old saying about how it's the thought that counts. Think about the thought that had to be behind this: that's a lot of trouble he went to. He wouldn't do that if he didn't love you.
Atruckersgirl, I understand where you are coming from. I did tell him thank you for all the hard work and thought he put into it. I also told him it wasn't exactly what I had planned. He is graduating with his MBA in 3 weeks as well. Now seeing how big this thing is that he planned, I'm wondering what I'm supposed to do for his to show that I'm equally as proud of him. We don't have a lot of money, although hopefully that will change as I am looking for a job right now, but he's spent a lot of money on this graduation party, even though I've asked him not to.
I feel like I'm always the one looking at the budget and he just does stuff. He bought me a really expensive graduation present and planned this big party. Now we are broke and I still have to do something for his graduation - but without any money.
Last night I went and watched a movie without him, and before we went to bed, I told him in the most non-confrontational and most genuine way that I could, that I think he should go out with his friends this weekend to go watch the soccer games at the bars downtown. He had mentioned that they were coming in about a week ago, but pretty much blew off their plans because he knows I don't really watch soccer and I don't really like bars. So I was trying to get him to go anyway without me.
And it turns out that his friend is having a "going away" party the same day that my family is having a re-union about 2 hours away. So I suggested that he go to his friend's party and I'll go see my family.
But just like always, he got into this "but I want to go with you, I love spending time with you" mode. I told him I just don't get it, because he just told me yesterday that that was what he wanted. And he continued the I want to spend time with you, blah, blah, blah stuff.
It seems every time we spend a lot of time together, he starts telling me I need to get a hobby, or spend time with friends, or do things alone, and every time I try to, he starts telling me that he loves being around me and we start spending all of our time together again. Just so he can later on tell me basically to go get a life. I get so confused and hurt.
Haha, it's like I'm finally getting some insight into my wife! This feels exactly like my relationship.
I hope I can explain this well....
He does like spending time with you. The things he wants to do with you, he truly does want to do with you.
There are however, times that he wants to do things without you, just with the guys. You telling him he should go do something or go somewhere without you is not the same as if he said he wanted to do these things without you. Those things he does want to do with you.
I know the fine line that he feels like he is walking. He wants to do certain things without you, but doesn't know how to tell you he doesn't want you to do those things without you. That's where his feeling of "you never let me do anything" comes from. He should be stepping up and making a choice to do certain things alone...that is his fault.
I don't think you are doing anything wrong. He is responsible for his own happiness and doing the things he wants to do. The time he does spend with you he does enjoy, up until a point, then I'm guessing he starts feeling "held back" and would like to go hang out with the guys but doesn't know how to do that. That is when he wishes you "would get a hobby," putting the blame on you for never having any free time.
What I would suggest? Do you have things you like to do without him? Things you probably used to do more of before you were together? Try to find your own outlets to do things without him. This may give him "guilt free" time to do other things. Don't tell him he should go do something with his friends without you. Like I said, that isn't what he wants, although you feel like you are suggesting what you think he wants, its not. It's on his watch. Short of having him read this, I don't know what you can do to give him the feeling of autonomy that he is lacking. That is why I suggest you making some time to be apart.
And again, you really shouldnt feel confused or hurt about this. It isn't like he secretly resents hanging out with you. I guarantee he loves the time he spends with you and when he wishes you had a life, it is simply because he doesn't know how to make "his own" time.
Thank you Mr. Romantic for responding in such a fashion that I didn't feel like you are attacking me.
Some of what you said made sense. I think you guys just need to make up your mind. But I will take your advice to just go do things separate from him and see what he decides to do with his new free time.
Grad party, and spending time apart 
